The Truth Recently

They say what matters is not the way people feel about you; instead, it's how they make you feel about yourself. And I am so unhappy right now that I know this whole situation might be really wrong for me.

I have been complaining since almost the very start... had thought it would pass but eventually it became more and more serious. I'm disgusted with myself and I feel so low and in a way I feel trapped. School is clearly not the right institution for me. When I was a student, I had hated it. When I am a teacher, I still hate it very much the same. I think and think and wander if I'm just exaggerating. I had thought it was perhaps because I wasn't ready for work. Had believed it was perhaps because I was still caught up in the utopia of college's lifestyle and way of thinking. Maybe it was.

But it hasn't stopped.

I hate the bureaucracy. I hate the formalities. I hate the rules. I hate the limitations. I hate that the students' way of thinking needs to be shaped. I hate the complains. I hate the nagging. I hate the never ending expectations. I hate the standards I have to fulfill. I hate that teachers are responsible for the students' scores. I hate that parents intervene with the way education is carried out. On top of it all, I hate myself because I feel this way. It makes me sick.

I hate it when I hate the world around me. It makes me feel pathetic and despicable. I hate school and I am incapable of being a teacher, and I hate it when I feel incapable. It makes me feel unworthy. And because this cycle of hatred has finally reached this level, it makes me realize school is just not for me. 

My problem doesn't lie with the students. Come on, they're students. They're young and only half-exposed to the world. Some are pains in the ass, some others are all sugar, while some others just so-and-so. It's normal. The core problem is that I am not a teacher at heart. Looking at those young people, I don't have the desire to teach them ABC or telling right from wrong; instead, I desire to befriend them or simply neglect the problematic ones. I desire to talk to them about their lives. About their dreams. I desire to be their friend. And that's neither correct nor can happen.

Being a teacher, I am told, means there's a certain gap you have to establish so that students respect you. There are formalities you need to assign to the class so that students know their place. You can behave the way you want outside classrooms, but there is a set of rules inside. I can't separate the two.

I have long known and felt that there are better things beyond formalities. That respect has nothing to do with the way you address or are addressed. That gap doesn't mean people know their place - sometimes it just means they don't want to have anything to do with you, and other times it just means that they drive further away from you.

The same person who told me all the perks of being formal doesn't even gain the students' respect. How ironic. But then again, school has always been a formal institution. My first mistake was waltzing back in.

Speaking of formalities, I also have a problem with the hierarchy here. Fuck hierarchy, really. And fuck conflicts of interests. I want to elaborate more, but that can wait. I need to organize my thoughts better so it won't come out as simply an outburst.

Review: Come on, Cinderella.

When I heard that there is a live action remake of Disney's Cinderella, I had hoped for a plot twist like they did with Maleficent. But, alas, what I got was a two-hours of beautiful dresses and a tale of a girl who was too kind for her own good.

Perhaps this was because I'm a skeptic and I don't believe pure kindness can get you anywhere at all. There's a fine line between kind and stupid, and Ella was more to the stupid side. She couldn't stand up for herself, she couldn't say no, she couldn't protect the house she kept saying she loved for her mother and father... so what did she actually do for good? She waited for the right prince to come and sweep her off her feet. Only then was she able to chin up and waltz out of the house. 

There was an additional scene where Ella and the Prince met in the forest for the first time. I don't know if it was meant to show that the Prince fell for Ella's natural beauty/charming wit in contrast with the original version where they met for the first time at the ballroom with Cinderella wrapped in her all princessy dress, still...

Well said, Elsa! You see, with Frozen and Maleficent, I thought Disney had made a change of direction and is heading to a more women-empowering approach for their movies. However, because of this too high of an expectation, I am disappointed with how Cinderella turned out to be. The additional scene changed next to nothing, especially because her 'wit' was not so much of a wit. "Just because it's what's done, it doesn't mean it should be done" -  really? Sounded like simply quoting from another source. (Okay, maybe I'm too harsh. I know it was supposed to refer to the tradition of princes marrying princesses because in the end, Kit the Prince disobeyed the tradition and married Ella the commoner). 

Speaking of wit (and advice), the "Have courage and be kind" advice from Ella's mother seemed to be ignored by Ella in most of her life because simply, none of her action after her father died represented courage and kindness. She couldn't say no, so it wasn't kindness. She was okay being moved to the attic, so it wasn't courage. She remained quiet while being treated less than what she deserved so it wasn't a form of kindness - it was stupidity and cowardice. The only time she was able to say no to her stepmother was when the Prince came to her house and officially asked for her to see him.

I had expected too much... Part of me had expected to see a breathtaking and mind-shaking retelling like the one Intan Paramaditha did in Perempuan Buta Tanpa Ibu Jari. Another part of me had expected more elaboration on the step-family's characters, but even that they didn't do. However, I couldn't blame Disney because Cinderella is one of the most famous classic story, and despite the truth that she is no princess, the truest princess with all the magic and transformation.

Probably even Disney doesn't have the heart to ruin Cinderella's magically happy ending for their audience.

Courtesy of images: Google