My Hogwarts House

Not exactly a Potterhead, but who doesn't like Harry Potter? I've always been proud of my bold and daring quality and of the fact that I've always been sorted into Gryffindor whenever I took the Sorting Hat Quiz at the web. . .but when I took the official one at Pottermore, it turned out I'm a Slytherin!

Now, I know - Slytherin is considered the evil house! With Voldemort and Malfoy being the graduates of Slytherin, not to mention Crabbe and Goyle and Pansy, it's hard to imagine someone wants to be a Slytherin. However, once sorted into it, I take pride in being a Slytherin. We are, after all, cunning, ambitious, resourceful, determined, and shrewd. And you cannot just forget Snape's sincerity and Malfoy's innocence (that's right - I think he's the one who's actually confused about what he wants in the whole series; we all have been there). Plus, despite being evil, Voldemort is actually brilliant. We have to admit that. He won't be the Dark Lord just by existing!

Anyway, here's to all proud Slytherin! 

Speaking (or writing!?) with a lighter tone

Hi! A quick update and an apologetic post.

I'm sorry for myself that I have spent so much time on gloomy stuff happening in a world larger than mine. I mean, I cannot do anything about it; not anytime soon, most definitely, so I've been wasting my time concerning the events out of my control. No, I'm not sorry for thinking and concerning about it; but I'm sorry because I spent too much time on it. But don't worry, I only do that whenever I read something annoying on the papers (which, tbh, is getting more frequent).

In real life, however, I am occupied with this new Kendall & Kylie game where my character aspires to go viral. That game is ridiculously entertaining, I know. I like the fashion and the customization, especially. Unfortunately, it keeps crashing. That's why I downloaded Stardom, an older version of similar game. So far, it has been nearly as satisfying as playing K&K.

I am also occupied with books, as usual. I've been rereading Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, rediscovering its magic. I'm also reading A Song of Ice and Fire (yep, still stuck at Book One even after I finished all the aired seasons). I intend to read Intelegensi Embun Pagi, a new book from a loved Indonesian writer: Dewi Lestari. I think tomorrow I'll buy it.

As for movies, I discover a gem in TV show: a telenovela called La Malquerida. Sure, everybody loves drama. Keeping Up With The Kardashians has provided enough drama, but nothing beats the original dramatic stage of telenovelas! Seriously, even Americans are now producing Telenovela the series, starring Eva Longoria. Uh, the perks of working in subtitling department. <3 I'm also considering to watch Scream Queens after its quite entertaining pilot episode. There are just too many TV series in this world to be tuned in to. 

My love life has been pretty dry since someone bailed (ghosted? is that the term they use today? am I right?) and for our tragic ending, he ended up being in a relationship with some girl. I will not depress myself by pondering over what the fuck is possibly wrong with me to have always been the one almost-not single. Seriously, everything else seems doable except finding a guy who will stick with me. It's either I like the wrong guys or I just can't keep them around.

Anyway, since I have nothing better to do, I'm figuring out myself and luckily ran into an old acquaintance who is now giving me the second job of my dream: a translator for fiction novels. Plus PLUS, she offers me the job of my dream: a fiction writer! She's an editor. I want to be an editor, too, but with an offer like that. . .how can I refuse? It's a path. In the midst of forests of confusion, who will refuse a path to escape? More than just an escape; a path to glory? No, I mustn't get ahead of myself. 

All in all, I'm too busy being in love with my life that I don't have time to love someone who is not there. Or there's simply no one to love, and so I channel my love into my life. Whatever. 

Random thought: I hope I can have a sense of humor like Deadpool. A bit dark and rude, but satisfying. 

Rereading Myself

Instead of rereading myself, I should've named the title "Rereading What I Wrote On My Previous Post." I wrote that piece while being mad, or, quoting myself, enraged about what is happening in Indonesia. Of course, it turned out to be an unprofessional, nonintellectual long rant that even I doubt the causes and effects mentioned were actually causal. Shouldn't have so easily related Indonesia's fear and hatred toward LGBTQ with Indonesia's forceful censorship on TV. My bad. I was naive and immature (I still can't guarantee I'm over that, but we all grow up everyday, and enough sleep always helps).

This is 2016, and it feels like London in 1988. How do I know it when I am still 23? Well, Alan Moore in 1988 voiced exactly what it feels like to be in a situation like this: "The government has expressed a desire to eradicate homosexuality, even as an abstract concept, and one can only speculate as to which minority will be the next legislated against." And if this general statement is not enough, he added a personal statement that also speaks for me: "I'm thinking of taking my family and getting out of this country soon, sometime over the next couple of years. It's cold and it's mean spirited and I don't like it here anymore." Although the family to which I refer would not be my husband and children, and Indonesia is definitely not cold, the rest of the sentence works well to describe what's been accumulating in my head. Thank you, Alan Moore, and your preface for V for Vendetta (1989). 

Indonesia has it more or less the same now with U.K. then. Only it was Christianity, not Islam, that stood as the grounding rule. As I have mentioned in my previous post, Abrahamic religions rule homosexuality as sinful. This newly discovered fact about which you can read all in Wikipedia (of course, if you're looking for some strong facts backed by evidence and legal historical record, never put your faith in Wikipedia--I have nothing against the page, but it is editable. Meaning anyone can alter the content. Helpful, but not reliable) makes me rethink of how public figures and much-publicized institutions shape religions in the eyes of the society. London was famous for its Christianity as well as Indonesia (or I should say, Jakarta and the surrounding areas) is famous for our Islam.

I don't know how people perceive these religions then and now, but I do know that it will be small wonder if there are people who think Islam is too dominant in Indonesia. I mean, the public figures and institutions here truly have no chill. Referring to (again) my previous post, I have described how it is here and now--childish instant reaction to things they don't understand. 

Anyway, I will not make this about religion. Religions are religions, with their set of rules. They are neither to be challenged nor are they to be altered to suit our own needs and wants. The only thing that sadly turns religions into reasons for judging other people is that they are open to interpretation. It just so happens that sometimes, the people who interpret it become the face of the religion--while in the process, smudging its purity and kindness.

Regarding the LGBTQ issue, because the authorities has called it out as sinful, there has been a publication from Indonesia Broadcasting Commission about the prohibition from displaying transgender women and related behavior on TV. A mosque for transgender community in Jogjakarta is closed. Hate speech mushroomed. An ex-minister tweeted a misinterpreted/incompletely interpreted hadith allowing the killing of transgender people. It is dangerous, what these public figures could do with their hastily shallow understanding about their own faith and their own people.

I said I will not make this about religion. However, it is almost unavoidable to see that amidst this controversy about LGBTQ, a strong sense of Islamic solidarity is formed among the majority of Indonesians. It is natural, I must say. After all, Islam is against homosexuality (right, about that, I'm trying to say this, but. . .yeah, I can't help myself: Islam is against homosexuality, true, but Islam is never against embracing people. Go, read some history on Islam. Read the story of our Prophet Muhammad [PBUH] and tell me it isn't right. You will know what I'm suggesting here). 

I cannot say that this solidarity and this sudden re-realization of "Islamic values" are directly related to censorship in media (or even if it is related at all), but before you know it, everywhere things are blurred. Censorship at its best. It has been disturbing for quite some times since they decided to censor cigarettes and even the slightest cleavage on TV, but only recently I found out they also made up their mind to censor guns. In a frenzy action movie culture, censoring guns means mosaics here and there. Still, what blew everyone's mind was these two outrageous censorship: the one on cartoons and the one on kebaya, our own traditional dress. The skirt worn by Shizuka from Doraemon is considered too short (she is a 5-year-old). The bikini worn by Sandy from Spongebob Squarepants is considered inappropriate (she is a squirrel). The kebaya worn by the beauty pageant contestants is considered showing too much skin (. . . .it is our own traditional attire?).

Whether or not Islamic values are related to this unfortunate event, what happens happens. As insane as it is, this is the face of Indonesian media these days: frightened by women's body. Pardon the use of words; I am a woman and I am offended. Cigarettes are dangerous for our health, as it is scientifically proven. Guns are dangerous because it is a weapon, it harms people and breaks things. Is women's body dangerous? If you say so with whatever reason you might have (apart from religion, because it is complicated to elaborate women's position in Islam and it will need a whole another post), congratulations. You see the world through men's eyes. As Naomi Wolf said, "Beauty provokes harassment, the law says, but it looks through men's eyes when deciding what provokes it." (The Beauty Myth, 1990). If any, women's body are dangerous for themselves. Some men are so used to having excuses justifying women's objectification.

You might challenge me and argue, "You said 'apart from religion', which means it can be that these censorship guys censored TV according to rules set in religions! We see this from religions' eyes, you insolent writer!" Well, think again. Which religion forbids women from showing their skin? If your answer is Islam, think again. Is Indonesia an Islamic country? The majority of us are Muslims, I know, but is it an Islamic country? Is Indonesian law supposedly rooted from Islamic rules? You just gotta think and think again. Indonesia is home to diversity. Different languages, skin colors, religions, beliefs, norms, social values, lifestyles. There is never a rule that says majority is law. You know, you might think I'm kafir by now, and I disrespect Islam by wearing hijab while having an opinion like this. It's fine. I'm a Muslim neither because of nor for you (that, if I'm a Muslim at all; you and I both know only Allah can pass someone as a true Muslim). 

All in all, again, I made this too intertwined with religion (okay, Islam). But, really, you cannot talk about these two issues without relating it with Islam. The country that was once famous for its friendly pluralism is no longer. And sometimes, to me, it is as if the government forget that they are the leaders of diverse people--they play favorites with only some groups. Coincidentally, it is Islam. Still, recalling the history of LGBTQ in London, I doubt this parade will last for long. The same goes for women's objectification. 

What is happening!?

I cannot stay silent about the fear and condemnation of women's bodies in media around here. From Ke$ha's denied plea to be released of her contract, to Indonesia's extreme censorship on TV... there are too many unhappy things about women's place in the world.

Gender issues (right, because this is not exclusively about feminism; this is also about the recent popularity of LGBTQ) are surfacing in this world. Last year, America has ruled same-sex marriage as legal. For a so-called free country, I should say, it is not something that raises questions (or eyebrows). It doesn't change their foundation, which is--should it be underlined--"freedom for all." However, it doesn't take a freakishly intelligent person to tell that the move will change the whole world. Or at least Indonesia.

For all my life, and I'm in my early 20s, I have always known America as the Capital of the World. It is the center of film industry, of technology, of politics, of fashion... and as of late, of its attention on humanity issues. FYI, this humanity issues include attention on same-sex relationship. It was not the first country to legalize same-sex marriage, but it was America. Sooner or later, it will change something. The perspectives. The paradigm. The courage to change and speak up.

It just has to be that in Indonesia, it happened sooner rather than later, because earlier this year, there emerged, from a national university, a study group that supposedly discuss about LGBTQ and how to be a part of LGBTQ and deal with both themselves and the society within which they live.  Of course, the university was quick in disclaiming the group, saying that it had never asked for their permission in using the uni's name--and, in the process, severing any relationship between them. The university cannot be held responsible for the radical event.

What, radical, you say? Yes. So, you see, Indonesia is not the U.S. Its legal foundation is the faith to the one and only God. Plus, the majority of the population is Muslims. Same-sex relationship is haraam in Islam. I am a born Muslim. Believe me, I know. It's true. But I'm here neither to persuade you readers (if there's any) to go against LGBTQ, nor am I here to ask you to challenge my own religion. No.

I am here simply because I am enraged of what is happening.

The "coming out" of aforementioned sexuality study group (which, tbh, I am totally interested to join, since, in case you're not paying attention, it provides space to study sexuality; NOT, as what some people strongly believe, promoting LGBTQ--come on, people, be open-minded!) was thought to be an insignificant, seemingly fleeting problem. Especially, since the related uni has publicly disclaimed it.

Unfortunately, some people just cannot let go (and I cannot blame them, truly) because they are concerned with the well-being of their children in the future. To put it simply, this is considered as a rotten image of today's generation (if not another sign of how doomsday is near), and now is a rotten era.

Dicussions were held, both among peers and on TV. I watched it, once. I saw a journalist around my age, a woman, a hijabi, speaking out about freedom--and pretty much what people who have studied humanities would say. Needless to say, I agreed with her. Man, she wasn't even trying to convince anyone. She simply stated her opinion... and she received a counterattack in the form of a raised, emotional, provocative voice (at least that's how it sounded to my ears) by people who doubtfully know anything about humanities at all.

It is, however, saddening to bear the fact that the majority of this country are the ones with that difference. This position of power makes differences more than simply what they are. What began as different stands on LGBTQ ends up as a set of boundaries separating the characteristics of men and women. If I hadn't known better, they seem like a frightened little children who hate something alien to them; little children who fear and avoid what they don't understand. Or are they, really?

Anyway, the boundaries of men and women spell stereotype. And here is where it is connected to feminism, simply because its movements are the ones that soundly fight for gender equality. With the stereotypes coming back, women's objectification comes along. And with that, the second sex situation all over again. TV shows are imposed with drastic censorship, to the point where the slightest bit of skin showing is decorated with mozaics even in cartoon movies. Then also, what blew everyone's mind, the skin of our beauty queens on their beauty contest, while wearing our traditional kebaya. Then, Indonesian Broadcasting Commission publicly published prohibitions to TV stations from displaying males dressed, act, and speak in females manner. Then a mosque for "waria" (men crossdressing as women) was forced to close. It is as if GENDER STEREOTYPES are stressed in almost every aspect in media because we fear we will forget them, and we will turn into LGBTQ once we forget.

Look, I know this piece of writing is not organized and not very comprehensive. You might not even understand what I'm writing. So here's the point of me ranting on and on and wasting your precious minutes: I am enraged (yep, highlighting my feeling) that some people are so tangled in this gender issue without even knowing what gender issue really is. They got a glimpse of the world beyond them, they were not ready... and they pass judgment while looking at that world through their tinted eyeglasses. Again, I'm not asking you to challenge my own religion (this is because Islam is the only religion I mentioned which actually forbids same-sex relationship, while actually it is also forbidden in other Abrahamic religions); I'm just asking you, readers, to learn a bit about humanity without filtering it with any values you may have hold before. You can change your mind after learning it, you can stay with your own perspectives. . . but you can at least learn before you freaked out and condemning I'm, and people like me, kafir.

I am not a part of LGBTQ because I, a woman, like men. It does not mean I am normal and they aren't. It simply means we are different. I am not suggesting to promote or to empower the groups supporting LGBTQ. It does not mean I would ban and/or condescend them. I just let them be. I would not alter the world to suit my values. And regarding the extreme censorship. . . well, I must say it is stupid. I watched the same movies when I was younger, the same movies they now censor but then didn't, and I didn't have any weird thoughts. Truly, censoring it only makes people wonder what's behind those disturbing small boxes that give people the wrong idea of what's really going on. For this, I have something to say: "the pot calling the kettle black." Censoring everything means those people are assuming other people see what they see, which means they are probably the most perverted ones in the whole country.

Quarter-life Crisis

Reaching the peak of our 20s (plus the fact that we are all so sinfully ambitious), my friends and I are probably facing our biggest quater-life crisis right now: the choices. 

For me, it always starts with the longing to escape from my job. You see, I'm working my second job. Unlike my first job as a teacher, I love it here. I love translating movies, I love the friends (although you really can't love everyone), I love the routine. It is all perfect except for the shifting (from which I finally managed to escape due to a case with a night company driver) and the management (which is unfitting its famous name), and sometimes the ones who got away (you know, the would-be friends but drifted apart with spite once we encountered the, ahem, night company driver-case). Sometimes it occurs to me that I might be an escapist who simply doesn't like authority, with little trust to people and quick to judge. But it is not for me to say so; it's your job to judge me as I other people. Be honest, we live in a judgmental world.

Anyway, my friends (with each to their own reasons) and I then went to the same intersection that leads to the desire to pursue higher education. Why education? I don't know. My reasons include the confusion of what I really am doing with my life. I feel incapable, lost, stuck, unfulfilled, dissatisfied, and generally unhappy. I noticed, of course, that this is not only my problem. Some people try to provide reasons. I agree to some of them: the conviction that I can do better--I can be at a better place, I am destined to be great, not just another employee in another company--more often than not, backfires. It becomes a burden.

20s is the age of deadlines. Perhaps this deadline's extended to our 30s, but sooner or later it will end. Name it. Marriage, family, education, career... most people want theirs to settle before 30, 35.  In our quarter-life, that leaves us with only 5-10 years. Meanwhile, there are lots of things we want to pursue and those things are no longer the small stuff like the highest grade in class or the books we want to buy. We want a partner in love, not just husband or wife. We want the romance as well as the punctuality. We want a family before we're too old to do anything. We want to learn, to study, to travel, and to know the world. We were told that we can. We want to keep concerning ourselves with issues in life, be it social or humanities or scientific. We want to become a part of the world; we want to contribute. We want to climb our stairs career-wise. We have big dreams, but it all takes time.

I want to study culture and gender and feminism and theology and Islam and media and film and advertising and journalism and creative writing and literature, but I can't study them all. I have to have one focus to pursue. Would I rather pursue practical skills that can be put to work, or pursue what I am passionate about? In a rare case, someone can be so lucky so as to find a string connecting the two. If I pursue the practical skills, will I be happy once I get them to work? If I pursue my passion, will it provide for my life? Would I rather be idealistic or realistic? Can't I be both?

When I finally decided I want to pursue higher education first (because I haven't found the perfect workplace and I haven't had anyone with me to marry), I was faced with yet another set of options. Such was described in previous paragraphs. I made up my mind, or I thought I did, to study Creative Industries. The path is clear. I'm working in media industries as a translator (which can actually lead to two directions: media and/or translation) and I am interested in the relationship between media and culture. Creative Industries major has answers for them. However, it asks me: what will I focus on? I can't just study for the sake of studying. I don't have the answer yet.

I put misery to my life by overthinking it, as usual, and it confuses me too much. I'm not used to not having answers. I am a good student. I'm sure I can follow the classes diligently and successfully, but I'm not used to having to find my own question and answer. What will I do in life? What will I contribute to Indonesia, to the school, to my community? What will I give in return of the money the scholarship will invest on me? Giving answers would be easy; following up and be sincere wouldn't. I can't just say I want this to give me back my self-esteem and satisfy my thirst for knowledge (which will be an honest thing to say).

Anyway, in the midst of confusion, an offer came that almost immediately pull me and my life that way. There's this girl, who is a friend of a friend of mine, who used to test me for novel translation. I contacted her after I decided to quit my current job. Surprisingly, she offers me another novel translation project and even proposes that I become her proofreader next month. Being a proofreader/editor/translator has always been more interesting to me than I want to admit. It seems a simple task, but I truly enjoy it. It is practical, too, so I won't have to worry about not having a job. It is a concrete and sought after job. Without a second thought, I accepted her proposal. It could be a fulfilling freelance job while I complete my requirements for the scholarship. Killing two birds with one stone.

As if it is not enough a joy to hear, she read my CV and saw that I have published a fiction teen literature. She told me she's an editor at a well-known publishing company and encouraged me to send her my novel drafts, if any. She said she would love to edit and revise it if it's deemed worthy of publishing.

Oh, God, mercy!

It's a dream I have gradually forgotten. Buried in my deepest, silent heart. And my heart is never not noisy. I never thought it would come again like a new wounded flesh. So real and so close and so painful--it reminds me that it is still alive and burning.

Therefore, it is natural that I am drawn to the force of this dream. But while my heart is fluttering at the thought of picking up where I left it off, my conscience tugs at me and says, "What about all the plans you have in mind?" What about all the practical skills I have planned to learn? What about the issues and purposes you have prepared to be the key weapons in the scholarship essays and interviews? What about all the plans you have in mind?

I was never one to just abandon my heart, and all these times, things went great if I follow my heart. Moreover, the older I get, the rarer my heart tells me something. I cannot just refuse to hear what it is telling me now. It is fluttering when it hears the news, for God's sake! This is definitely not something I can just walk past by.

What scares me is that it almost immediately made me think I don't need this media and practical skills. I don't need to pretend I'm interested in cultural policy so much that I want to work in that field (because truly, I am interested in studying and learning all about it, but the prospect of working in that field does not appeal to me, like, at all). I am not ambitious to pursue a career in media.

But how much can I profit from writing fictions? If I'm J.K. Rowling, it would probably be enough for life.

I can always translate things. It is so tempting to just take a class and get certification for translation. I can edit books and papers. And then I'll get back to writing stories. I can probably get some published. I can always be an interpreter if I grow tired of seeing papers and documents. I can just take another class of interpretation. Or I can pursue a major in translation, although I still don't think it should happen anytime soon. Or probably I can take a major in literature. You know, studying world literature to see how other countries represent their culture in the books and all the pieces of writings. I can find some ways to represent Indonesia to the eyes of the world. I don't want to be a lecturer... but probably it's for the best? Or I can just be a researcher in Indonesian literature?

You see, I set my heart to writing and publishing and I want to try my best to make something out of it. I know I will, eventually. But it takes time to really break it down and find the concrete answers and then explain it to my parents, because I know they expect the best from me. And they think I'm not destined to be just another somebody. At least, my father does. He sees me as a minister of everything wonderful and foreign and influential. He sees me as a boss of a start-up, promising company. He sees me as a manager from a well-known corporate. He sees me as someone I think I can, but I'm not sure if I want to, become.

Oh, he'll accept my explanation, for sure, but it is scary to see the slight disappointment in his eyes if I seem to be unsure of my future, or if that future is something he does not understand. Still, in this quarter-life, I have to admit I don't know many things. I don't know if this is the right way or that is the correct path instead, or if my life will be prosperous in the future. I'm not good at planning. I don't know the answer to everything, and everything might not go according to plan. And sometimes I don't even know what I want.

It's a lie when they say teenage period is the period of confusion.