A Story I Can Never Tell

It's a story I can never tell
About how much I feel for you
About the nights I remember
About the days we spent togeter
About you being my first

It's a story I can never share
About the happiness of a first date
About the smiles I got from you
About the stories I tell you
About the love we had head over heels

And the way you text me every dawn
And your unique favorite kind of clothes
Your way of showing how you miss me

Those are the stories I can never ever tell
For you and I are history

Those are the stories Ican never ever tell
'Cause we are the part of something lost

So there's no more of us
There's no more of sweet love stories
But deep, deep inside
It's there for me to keep

Because it's a story I can never tell

(Nov. 15, 2012)

Menjadi Aneh

Ini... kalo gue nulis ini, sejujurnya gue bakal terlihat seperti anak labil yang punya masalah dengan lingkungannya. Agak memalukan, sih... but perhaps I still am.

Sebenarnya gue nggak mau membuat ini terlihat serius, hanya saja di awal minggu ini gue lagi-lagi merasa muak dengan komentar-komentar tiada akhir yang dilakukan teman-teman gue. Apapun yang gue lakukan sepertinya salah di mata mereka, padahal, hei--apa mereka nggak tahu yang namanya 'perbedaan'? Maksud gue, tentu saja orang punya selera yang berbeda-beda. Karena itu ada banyak sekali variasi berbagai jenis barang 'kan. Buku, lagu, baju... menurut kalian, kenapa ada banyak sekali ragam dari barang-barang seperti itu? Lalu kenapa apapun yang gue suka dianggap aneh? Apa hanya ada satu ragam dari kesemua itu yang layak dan pantas untuk disukai?

Lagi-lagi ini permasalahan dengan kesukaan gue terhadap lagu-lagu Korea. Hei, orang lain boleh fanatik terhadap klub sepakbola mereka--bahkan sampai melakukan hal-hal ekstrim yang tidak dapat dibayangkan oleh orang normal. Kenapa fanatisme gue terhadap lagu-lagu Korea dilarang? Karena aneh? Karena Korea bukanlah 'Barat' dan segala modernitas-nya?

Gue sangat sadar bahwa gue berada di lingkungan dimana 'Barat' menjadi kiblat mereka dalam hal fashion dan musik. Mungkin bahkan dalam film. Namun, hal itu tidak berarti gue, yang berbeda, salah jalan.

As there is no one exact form of beauty, there is no exact right or wrong in liking something.

Hidup ini tidak sesimpel hitam dan putih. Terkadang, orang terlalu sibuk dengan membedakan yang hitam dan putih sehingga bisa membuat stereotip-stereotip mengenai kedua sisi itu.

Gue jadi belajar bahwa 'aneh' dan tidaknya seseorang merupakan hasil dari konstruksi sosial. Hasil dari stereotip yang dibuat masyarakat. Untuk menjadi fashionable adalah untuk mengikuti tren masyarakat. Untuk menjadi cantik adalah untuk menjadi cantik menurut pandangan masyarakat.

Today's people just can't accept differences in beauty. 

Society sets the rule of what beauty is.

Another You

I have met this person
Whose hair and style are just like you

I have met this person
Whose heart I think might be just like you

I have never really talked to him
Though we've said "Hi" a couple times
and we had dinner together once
Thrilling, but awkward it was

I heard stories about him
How he could be just like you
How he is as crazy as you
and how he has this dark, hidden side
All just like you


You don't know, do you?
How much I want to reach him
Just to know,
Will it be the same?
Or will he be another chance for me?


You don't know, do you?
How I'm dying to be with him,
Just to know,
Will we have the same ending?
Or will he be another you?

I know we have closed the book
And there's no more of us
'Cause our love has dried out
And there's only one way to go

But here I find another you
Hoping that by being with him
Things can go differently
Hoping that by being with him
I can rewrite that wonderful story

Here I find another you
The one I hope won't hurt like you
The one I hope won't get away

Never have I imagined
He'll stay till the end
Never have I dreamed of
Him being the one putting ring on my finger

Because here I find another you,
Merely hoping he'll be enough
Just to rewrite the whole story,
About a love given wholeheartedly

(originally written in Bogor, 26 Oct. 2012) 

My Life Lately

Hi, I'm in the middle of a class right now.
It's rare for me to have a chance writing a blog, so I take my chance in writing class when I have the access to internet and I have nothing to do. Well... not that my teacher is the kind of teacher who does nothing in class, no, it's just I have finished the assigned work. Keke...

Um, there are not so much I can say about my life currently. It's just my life has been rather fun than my life used to be several months ago. You know what? I even smile when I write this.

The reason for me to smile is that I feel there are so many things to be grateful about. Life's been good to me lately... with my crushes (I have more than one crush, keke) and all, and I've tried new things on my look, and I've tried to accept the differences that might occur between me and others. Seriously, trying new things can really help me to feel better. Maybe I had been weary all these times.

I'm writing poems nowadays. Not the sophisticated ones like those Ralph Waldo Emerson or Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote, no, but mine still a poem comes out of heart. Um, maybe it's not right to call it a poem. Maybe 'a heart's cry' would be more suitable.

Well, anyway, more than a half poems I produced these days are inspired by K-pop songs' melody. I like their melody, and surprisingly, though I know not of the exact relation between the two objects, it enables me to write out my heart! Indeed, I thank them.

My poems usually tell about my crushes, sometimes exaggerated and dramatized. I hope I'll be able to post more poems. I'll do it when I get the chance.

Okay...
I still have time to write, but I should show some respect to my very, very kindhearted teacher. So, bye for now!

Cracked Mirror

These days you won't be just accepting
You keep picking at my clothes and how I behave
You find my flaws and point them out
You comment, comment, comment

These days I won't keep quiet
I argue and be mad at you
I'm too sensitive, you say
But I don't care, no, I don't

We've been too long together
And time says, "Well, you'd better be off on your way,"
"Separated as it was before," it says
'Cause if we stay, then there's no way
No way we could fix a cracked mirror

Those days we were laughing together
Finding everything funny
Talking about everything weird
We think we're the best

Those days we were on the road together
Tackle down problems
Standing on one side all along
Live like there's no tomorrow

But, we've been too long together
And time says, "Well, you'd better be off on your way,"
"Separated as it was before," it says
'Cause if we stay, then there's no way
No way we could fix a cracked mirror

So, so long
Good bye
Good bye for good,
So when we cross road next time,
We're there for good.

Last Week

I'm having hard time. Not a VERY hard time, no... but still, a hard time.
Well, to begin with, there are these problems with the freshmen and one of my friends. He seems really obsessed with the taking-care-of-the-freshmen thingies, which to me and for worse, seems that he has forgotten his friends. This problem grew more complicated as the friends were divided into two: the pro and con. Sad, but true. I don't know why it disturbs me so much... maybe a part of me wanted him to stay with us and appreciate us a bit, and other part of me is maybe jealous of the freshmen. They are the center of the attention this year, not a surprise since this is their year.

And there's this man who keeps pestering me with his questions. I know he's trying to get my attention and all, but he's just doing it wrong. He keeps asking me what I was doing, what I will do... he keeps being nice and care for me. However, those are something I do not expect from someone I barely know. Correction: I know him enough to know he's not for me. Either he's too nice or he's too weird, whatever the reason might be, I just know I do not expect him to approach me. His questions are getting weirder and weirder, and the last questions he asked were about love. Code? Yes. Definitely.

Then I'm overwhelmed with these stuff I had to do: the academic tasks and responsibilities, the event I'm taking part in, the freshmen thingies... they all make me to stay up late (not that I've never stayed up late before, I just had never been this tired) and they literally exhaust me. It's thrilling to have things to do, to mingle and be active in college. Still... I didn't know I'd be this exhausted.

I'm still having fun, though. ;)
I had two guys introduced to me: one was from this summer event I took part in, and the other was a friend of my friend. Both of them doesn't like me like boys like girls, still it was interesting since I had never been introduced to anyone just to be introduced. LOL. Bad for me, I'm a very curious person. And easily provoked. Every time anyone teases me and one of the boys, my curiosity grew more and more. And I could end up developing a crush on one (or both) of them. It's okay since I'm free! (I do want to be committed to one guy, though. It's not like I'm a player).

Well, and the last is I miss God so much. The things mentioned overwhelm me. I couldn't go home every time I feel tired, so I often feel very lonely and hopeless. Those times are when I miss God so much I could cry myself to sleep.

Guess I should just talk to God, then :)

See you in my next post.

The Beauty of Me

At the beginning of last week, I felt very wronged. Why? It's because someone jokingly told me that she would feel humiliated if I had a boyfriend. I know, even though that was a joke, I already reached the stage where I would be easily affected by the statement. It wasn't her first time saying those kinds of things.

I spent more or less two days being so emotional about it... I was seriously considering to change myself into another person; a different me who would fit in and would actually attract a guy. I was seriously planning to pay her back for her words.

I consulted my friends about what was wrong from me and how could I change into a "better" me. Some of my friends showed me how I should dress and how I should behave. They told me the dos and don'ts of fashion. They criticized me for the way I look.

Well, I asked for it. I shouldn't complain.

However, I remembered some guy that told me I'm beautiful when I was dressing messily. If it was a joke, I wouldn't know... but one thing for sure, it was pleasant to hear such compliment.

Of course, my friends were confused having been told the compliment the guy gave me. "He said you're beautiful when you're dressed messily? How could it be?"

But my other friends told me that beauty is all about perspective.
Would a guy really attracted to me if I change myself and how I look?
Would I really be happy by changing myself?

Then I found this beautiful piece of writing by Paulo Coelho:

"We deny our own beauty because others can’t or won’t recognise it. Instead of accepting ourselves as we are, we try to imitate what we see around us. We try to be what other people think of as ‘pretty’ and, little by little, our soul fades, our will weakens, and all the potential we had to make the world a more beautiful place withers away. We forget that the world is what we imagine it to be.We stop being the moonlight and become, instead, the pool of water reflecting it. Tomorrow, the water will evaporate in the sun. And all because, one day, someone said: ‘You are ugly.’ Or: ‘She is pretty.’ With those three simple words, they stole away all our self-confidence.

And we become ugly and embittered.

Manuscript found in Accra

(taken from Paulo Coelho's Facebook page" 

It really, really moved me. After all this time, I finally believe in my own beauty. That's all I got to say.

Thank you, Mr. Paulo Coelho for helping me to find my self-confidence again.