Cracked Mirror

These days you won't be just accepting
You keep picking at my clothes and how I behave
You find my flaws and point them out
You comment, comment, comment

These days I won't keep quiet
I argue and be mad at you
I'm too sensitive, you say
But I don't care, no, I don't

We've been too long together
And time says, "Well, you'd better be off on your way,"
"Separated as it was before," it says
'Cause if we stay, then there's no way
No way we could fix a cracked mirror

Those days we were laughing together
Finding everything funny
Talking about everything weird
We think we're the best

Those days we were on the road together
Tackle down problems
Standing on one side all along
Live like there's no tomorrow

But, we've been too long together
And time says, "Well, you'd better be off on your way,"
"Separated as it was before," it says
'Cause if we stay, then there's no way
No way we could fix a cracked mirror

So, so long
Good bye
Good bye for good,
So when we cross road next time,
We're there for good.

Last Week

I'm having hard time. Not a VERY hard time, no... but still, a hard time.
Well, to begin with, there are these problems with the freshmen and one of my friends. He seems really obsessed with the taking-care-of-the-freshmen thingies, which to me and for worse, seems that he has forgotten his friends. This problem grew more complicated as the friends were divided into two: the pro and con. Sad, but true. I don't know why it disturbs me so much... maybe a part of me wanted him to stay with us and appreciate us a bit, and other part of me is maybe jealous of the freshmen. They are the center of the attention this year, not a surprise since this is their year.

And there's this man who keeps pestering me with his questions. I know he's trying to get my attention and all, but he's just doing it wrong. He keeps asking me what I was doing, what I will do... he keeps being nice and care for me. However, those are something I do not expect from someone I barely know. Correction: I know him enough to know he's not for me. Either he's too nice or he's too weird, whatever the reason might be, I just know I do not expect him to approach me. His questions are getting weirder and weirder, and the last questions he asked were about love. Code? Yes. Definitely.

Then I'm overwhelmed with these stuff I had to do: the academic tasks and responsibilities, the event I'm taking part in, the freshmen thingies... they all make me to stay up late (not that I've never stayed up late before, I just had never been this tired) and they literally exhaust me. It's thrilling to have things to do, to mingle and be active in college. Still... I didn't know I'd be this exhausted.

I'm still having fun, though. ;)
I had two guys introduced to me: one was from this summer event I took part in, and the other was a friend of my friend. Both of them doesn't like me like boys like girls, still it was interesting since I had never been introduced to anyone just to be introduced. LOL. Bad for me, I'm a very curious person. And easily provoked. Every time anyone teases me and one of the boys, my curiosity grew more and more. And I could end up developing a crush on one (or both) of them. It's okay since I'm free! (I do want to be committed to one guy, though. It's not like I'm a player).

Well, and the last is I miss God so much. The things mentioned overwhelm me. I couldn't go home every time I feel tired, so I often feel very lonely and hopeless. Those times are when I miss God so much I could cry myself to sleep.

Guess I should just talk to God, then :)

See you in my next post.

The Beauty of Me

At the beginning of last week, I felt very wronged. Why? It's because someone jokingly told me that she would feel humiliated if I had a boyfriend. I know, even though that was a joke, I already reached the stage where I would be easily affected by the statement. It wasn't her first time saying those kinds of things.

I spent more or less two days being so emotional about it... I was seriously considering to change myself into another person; a different me who would fit in and would actually attract a guy. I was seriously planning to pay her back for her words.

I consulted my friends about what was wrong from me and how could I change into a "better" me. Some of my friends showed me how I should dress and how I should behave. They told me the dos and don'ts of fashion. They criticized me for the way I look.

Well, I asked for it. I shouldn't complain.

However, I remembered some guy that told me I'm beautiful when I was dressing messily. If it was a joke, I wouldn't know... but one thing for sure, it was pleasant to hear such compliment.

Of course, my friends were confused having been told the compliment the guy gave me. "He said you're beautiful when you're dressed messily? How could it be?"

But my other friends told me that beauty is all about perspective.
Would a guy really attracted to me if I change myself and how I look?
Would I really be happy by changing myself?

Then I found this beautiful piece of writing by Paulo Coelho:

"We deny our own beauty because others can’t or won’t recognise it. Instead of accepting ourselves as we are, we try to imitate what we see around us. We try to be what other people think of as ‘pretty’ and, little by little, our soul fades, our will weakens, and all the potential we had to make the world a more beautiful place withers away. We forget that the world is what we imagine it to be.We stop being the moonlight and become, instead, the pool of water reflecting it. Tomorrow, the water will evaporate in the sun. And all because, one day, someone said: ‘You are ugly.’ Or: ‘She is pretty.’ With those three simple words, they stole away all our self-confidence.

And we become ugly and embittered.

Manuscript found in Accra

(taken from Paulo Coelho's Facebook page" 

It really, really moved me. After all this time, I finally believe in my own beauty. That's all I got to say.

Thank you, Mr. Paulo Coelho for helping me to find my self-confidence again. 

Hi there! (again)

Sudah lama saya tidak menulis apa-apa di blog ini, padahal sebenarnya banyak yang mau saya tulis. Yah, apa daya, akses ke internet terbatas dan sialnya hal ini tidak bisa dilakukan via telepon genggam saya.

Sejauh ini hidup telah baik-baik saja pada saya, dengan segala tawa yang bisa dibawanya pada saya dan juga banyaknya kegiatan yang bisa saya lakukan. Hidup sedang menjadi tidak membosankan :)

Saya baru berulangtahun beberapa hari yang lalu, nyaris seminggu yang lalu, dan sekarang saya sedang bergumul dengan novel-novel yang menjadi kado istimewa dari orang-orang istimewa saya. Tidak lupa, novel yang saya beli sendiri.

Bicara tentang novel, saya sebenarnya sudah lama tidak membaca novel. Selama ini, dengan Hallyu wave yang menyerang seantero dunia dengan sensasinya, saya ikut berenang-renang di dalamnya: terpukau dan terhibur oleh semua yang bisa ditawarkan ombak itu. Jadilah, hobi saya membaca novel sesaat terabaikan.

Namun, setelah saya menerima novel di tangan saya, keajaiban itu kembali.

Saya kembali dibuai imajinasi dan kata-kata penulis, membiarkan diri saya terbawa perwujudan cerita-cerita novel itu dalam benak saya. :) Sensasinya menyenangkan... dan istimewa. Kemudian, saya menyadari satu hal. Menonton, menyanyi, mendengar... semuanya menyenangkan. Semua menghibur dan bisa mengisi waktu. Yet, reading is at a whole different level. It lets you shape your own world, your own entertainment.

So, readers, read! :D

Have a great day!

Thank You :)

The smile
That you give to me and everybody else as well
The kisses
That you write in your messages to me and everybody else as well
The way that you listen to my stories
The way that you remember every part of it
The way that you treat me so nicely and everybody else as well
The way that I know I'm no part of your inner circle
The way that I know you treat me as one of your friends and no more

But even those are enough for me to thank you
For making my day when you tell me I'm beautiful
For taking care of me the night I was with you,
talking until almost midnight and I didn't want the night to end
Well of course those are enough for me to thank you
For being sweet in any way you could
To me and everybody else as well

Now that I know you might not remember
and that those are just a spark in your life
But I still need to thank you for being with me in those moments

So thank you, and thank you, and a thousand more thank you :)

[originally written on July 15, 2012]

A. P. H.

White as an empty sheet of paper
Green as a young leaf of lettuce
Was what we were defined


Blue as a swallowing ocean
Blue as the high sky
Blue as they refer to sadness
Was what followed


But I still remember
I keep remembering even though it hurts as hell
But I still remember
I keep remembering even though hatred comes

Blaming you was always an escape
From the shame and regret for being so naive
My heart was a beautiful flower made of glass
and I was so careless in treating it
So, it was not your fault that it is broken now
It was not your fault that I believed in everything

Now, it is another shame to keep remembering
It's another shame that my real emotion is hatred toward you
It's another shame to be chained to the times with you

But will you wait and see,
I'll be free and look back to us with a smile
...and I'll give us an appropriate goodbye.

[originally written in July 15, 2012]

Silence

Today is supposed to be the day when the families in our neighborhood work together to clean the entire neighborhood. It has been years since the neighbors gathered and worked together. Long, long time ago, when I had not even reached 10, we used to socialize that way. However, today is a bit different than I used to remember.

The husbands, the sons, the fathers were working together; literally working, cutting down trees, and socializing through work. On the other hand, the wives--the housewives--were just sitting and chatting with out loud laughter... which irritated me. It bugged me to hear them laughing instead of doing what they were supposed to do, that is to clean a small triangle park. It was even too small to be called a park. It disturbed me when my mother is the only one who actually swept the park. I joined her, of course, but it was really tiring to hear other housewives only laughing.

Usually I would be whining all the time, not to mention cursing, but this time I kept silent.

I don't know what made me choose to be silent, but it was not bad. I know that after this I might complaint to my mother, but at that time I felt like I had won against the silly housewives and my silly anger. It is a test for me also, to be silent and to swallow my anger instead of bursting it out.

I hope next time I would be able to vanish my anger fully.