Him (1)

If being there for someone without the person doing the same feels this nice, imagine if it's mutual.

There are painful moments, of course. Those moments were filled with pain from watching him turn to some other people at his best while turning to me at his worst. They were filled with disappointment from knowing I couldn't always be counted on. They were his birthday: me giving him cake and he gave it away to his friends. They were those after parties when he looked real happy, but not sharing it with me. Yet I just can't ignore the happy moments... The absolute reason I stay. He's never asked me to stay, nor would he, I'm sure. But I like the way he smile and laugh and make jokes that totally fail. I like the way everybody likes him and laugh along with him. I like him when he's fun and crazy and wild, and when he's serious and determined. I like how he turns to me for help, knowing I'd help. I like the thank-you messages he sends every time. I like the way he's being proud and the way he cuts my line whenever we're talking. I like the way he calls my name, even though this might sound cliche. I like it when he looks for me in front of our friends. I like how he sticks to me after two and a half year even though this is just for help. And undeniably, a part of me, though small, can't help dreaming of a similarly small space in his thesis maybe someday later. A space for my name in the thank-you opening. That space, although small, means something big for me.

So, if being there for someone without the person doing the same feels nice, imagine if it's mutual.

Him

I just care so much; that if someone could care this much, and it surprises me how I do not expect a thing. I actually like the way you turn to me every time you need a thing because it makes me feel needed. I like how I feel important when you look for me. You are nobody, so why do I feel this way? It has been two and a half year, and we have never been together. We have never been so close nor have we been sharing our deepest secrets. There were others, and there will always be, who come in our way and make our hearts beat faster all the time. They come to my dreams and they make me smile, but never... never have they get my undivided attention like you do. I thought that this might have been a crush. This might have been another cliche, childlike love story. I thought you could sweep me off my feet and break my heart. Yet, what I do for you, what I feel for you, is a whole different kind of love. I know that whatever you do, I'll be there for you. I got your back and I'll be there. I will never jealous, never expect, never hope, never wait... I'll just be there. I just know: when I recall college in the next 10 years, this feeling will be the one I remember.

originally written in 181212

If I Keep You

If I keep you like this
Holding on to you
Giving you hope
Would you be mad
If at the end you find you're not for me?

If I keep you like this
Would I be like him
Playing with one's heart
For four years in a row?

'Cause I find myself not much better than him
By keeping you though I know
I'm not into you
Well I can say I finally understand him
But is that an excuse?

I might hurt you, I know
and I feel guilty
But there's just no justification
For whatever that I do to you
There's just no justification
For whatever reason I still play with you

I know you might not be after me
I know you might think of me only as a friend
But I also know
How you text me everyday
And you offer to drive me home
And just because of those possibilities
I feel bad if I keep you like this

It makes me wonder
Was he, too, indecisive?
Was he just enjoying all the attention?
Was he just entertained by the efforts I showed?
Was he like who I am now?

So, I'm sorry for keeping you like this
I don't know how to give it an end
But you're an option
And I know that I am wrong
But know not of how to right my wrong

(Nov. 16, 2012)

You, Again (1)

For someone who has never been there
You think how much would I give?
A night?
A date?
No, you know it's more than that
Days and nights
And weeks and years
While and after

You know, you know
You always know, don't you?
How much of this heart
Has been yours for years
How much tears have these eyes shed
For you, thanks to you, and because of you
You've always known

I don't want to like him
Just because he looks like you
I don't want to be with him
Just because you're not around
So, please... Please, I beg you
To stay or leave for good
Because you know I can't decide
For us and for good

I don't want God to let you feel
What I'm feeling right now
'Cause I'm missing you and I can't tell
If I want you back or not
I don't want God to let you know
What I'm feeling right now
'Cause I know it's a shame to feel this way
Knowing you wouldn't feel the same

And I can't tell nobody
'Cause I know it's a shame to feel this way

Sadly it grows more and more

(Nov. 11, 2012)

December

In December, if we meet again
We'll be smiling
We'll calmly stand together
And the memories shall fly back to us
It could be overwhelming
But we'll be okay

You and I will meet
The ones we love
With all our hearts
With all our might
And there's no love could be
As beautiful as ours for them

Images from years behind
Might rain on us
Like falling leaves in autumn
Some might hurts,
Some nostalgic
But we'll be okay

I will be holding his hands,
And you hold hers,
And nothing could go wrong
Though we're not what
We used to be

And I will be smiling the way I used to
When I was with you
And you, too, will do the same
And it will hurt no more
Because I will have him by my side,
And you will have her by yours

In December, if we meet again
Let's have a good farewell
The that's not filled with
Anger, disappointment, tears
That, if we meet in December

A Story I Can Never Tell

It's a story I can never tell
About how much I feel for you
About the nights I remember
About the days we spent togeter
About you being my first

It's a story I can never share
About the happiness of a first date
About the smiles I got from you
About the stories I tell you
About the love we had head over heels

And the way you text me every dawn
And your unique favorite kind of clothes
Your way of showing how you miss me

Those are the stories I can never ever tell
For you and I are history

Those are the stories Ican never ever tell
'Cause we are the part of something lost

So there's no more of us
There's no more of sweet love stories
But deep, deep inside
It's there for me to keep

Because it's a story I can never tell

(Nov. 15, 2012)

Menjadi Aneh

Ini... kalo gue nulis ini, sejujurnya gue bakal terlihat seperti anak labil yang punya masalah dengan lingkungannya. Agak memalukan, sih... but perhaps I still am.

Sebenarnya gue nggak mau membuat ini terlihat serius, hanya saja di awal minggu ini gue lagi-lagi merasa muak dengan komentar-komentar tiada akhir yang dilakukan teman-teman gue. Apapun yang gue lakukan sepertinya salah di mata mereka, padahal, hei--apa mereka nggak tahu yang namanya 'perbedaan'? Maksud gue, tentu saja orang punya selera yang berbeda-beda. Karena itu ada banyak sekali variasi berbagai jenis barang 'kan. Buku, lagu, baju... menurut kalian, kenapa ada banyak sekali ragam dari barang-barang seperti itu? Lalu kenapa apapun yang gue suka dianggap aneh? Apa hanya ada satu ragam dari kesemua itu yang layak dan pantas untuk disukai?

Lagi-lagi ini permasalahan dengan kesukaan gue terhadap lagu-lagu Korea. Hei, orang lain boleh fanatik terhadap klub sepakbola mereka--bahkan sampai melakukan hal-hal ekstrim yang tidak dapat dibayangkan oleh orang normal. Kenapa fanatisme gue terhadap lagu-lagu Korea dilarang? Karena aneh? Karena Korea bukanlah 'Barat' dan segala modernitas-nya?

Gue sangat sadar bahwa gue berada di lingkungan dimana 'Barat' menjadi kiblat mereka dalam hal fashion dan musik. Mungkin bahkan dalam film. Namun, hal itu tidak berarti gue, yang berbeda, salah jalan.

As there is no one exact form of beauty, there is no exact right or wrong in liking something.

Hidup ini tidak sesimpel hitam dan putih. Terkadang, orang terlalu sibuk dengan membedakan yang hitam dan putih sehingga bisa membuat stereotip-stereotip mengenai kedua sisi itu.

Gue jadi belajar bahwa 'aneh' dan tidaknya seseorang merupakan hasil dari konstruksi sosial. Hasil dari stereotip yang dibuat masyarakat. Untuk menjadi fashionable adalah untuk mengikuti tren masyarakat. Untuk menjadi cantik adalah untuk menjadi cantik menurut pandangan masyarakat.

Today's people just can't accept differences in beauty. 

Society sets the rule of what beauty is.