One Republic - Apologize

Never thought I would post a song lyric that fits perfectly with my situation, but I find this really funny. It has everything I have to say, and it's just in case.

***

"Apologize"

I'm holdin' on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground.
And I'm hearin' what you say,
But I just can't make a sound.
You tell me that you need me,
Then you go and cut me down...
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry,
Didn't think I'd turn around
And say...

That it's too late to apologize.
It's too late...
I said it's too late to apologize.
It's too late, too late, oh, oh.

I'd take another chance,
Take a fall, take a shot for you, oh, oh.
I need you like a heart needs a beat,
But it's nothin' new, yeah!
I loved you with a fire red,
Now it's turnin' blue
And you say...
Sorry, like an angel
Heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize.
It's too late.
I said it's too late to apologize.
It's too late, whoa!

It's too late to apologize.
It's too late.
I said it's too late to apologize.
It's too late.

I said it's too late to apologize, yeah (too late)!
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah (too late)!

I'm holdin' on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground.

credits to www.azlyrics.com

Another Respond

I am happy and contented with my life now.

You don't understand, and I can't explain. I don't know how the thought of me defending and consoling myself could cross your mind. Sweetheart, let me make this clear: the words I wrote came true from my heart. You know I can't lie, you know I won't lie... not about my feelings, no.

Once I said I liked you, and I really did. This time I say let's enjoy our lives, but not together. You said you are disappointed. Now I also do. For the time being, I don't really want to have anything to do with you. I have enough happiness in my life.

Please don't doubt my words. My dear, don't be so full of yourself.

The world doesn't revolve around you.

My Respond

Hi.
Isn’t it amazing that after four years of chasing your tail and a year or so of no contact, I so suddenly received news about you? More than just news, I heard your shocking revelation second-handedly from her.

Our story is a book I prefer not to re-read, a song I no longer want to hear. It is a memory I have no intention to recall although sometimes I sneakily did so. It left a rather sore impression. But then perhaps it is because I went through it too hastily. Neither did I read all the words nor did I listen carefully to the lyrics.

And so your revelation forced me to retrace them all.

That’s why, in this brief letter, I want to answer the questions you didn’t ask me in person; to give you the explanation you didn’t demand personally.

Love is a difficult word to explain. I have never used the word unless I’m sure there’s no other words could explain the feeling I feel toward my object of affection. The word has been strictly used for family members and some bestest friends. But there were you.

Love is a difficult word to explain, and it took me a long way before I came to use it to explain what I felt toward you. It was not until years had gone by and I lost my sight of you. As they say, you never know what you’ve got before you lose it. Since using the word is tough enough, it’s a bit hard for me to understand your definition of love.

Love is marriage, you say. I see how you have this concept of ideal future. Ideal family, to be exact. You have requirements for your wife-to-be. But marriage is a huge step. For me, it’s something distant in the future. To put it simply, we have different schools of thought. That’s why I haven’t been able to understand your decisions, actions, and reasons.

True, you say you’re conservative while I’m liberal. But I’d rather put it this way: you’ve learned your lessons, I’ve learned mine. You live for the afterworld, I live for this world. With our differences, would you still ask for my hand? These differences might only be for this moment, God knows what we’ll turn out to be... but these surely cannot escape your judgment.

You have planned your future cautiously. Find the perfect companion, then. Why are you swayed? You cannot let my efforts go to waste, you say? 

Of course those years were hopeless, but I have no regrets. Not anybody could receive the kind of special treatment you had received, but I got nothing to lose. I treat my family and friends the way I treated you. It’s not like my feelings would be drained off after I poured it to you. Feeling grows, you know. It’s like grass. You cut it and it grows back. I will eventually find other people to whom I can pour all my heart. They can be boyfriends, family, best friends, strangers.

Lastly, I hereby liberate you from the commitment we once made. Don’t be forced to think of me because we were once committed to each other. You are indebted neither to me nor to God. Don’t be too confused. Talk to me in person if you have made your decision, but remember: you involve other people in your future. You can plan it out, but you cannot plan what other people want. Speak it out instead of holding it in and confusing your own self.

Melati

A Letter

I know how unhappy we have been. I have my own trust issue. I know things, I hear things. I'm biased.

Last night you asked whether or not I want you to still be together. I don't know. It's sad, but I cannot really say I care anymore. I've been asked this question eight years ago; my answer is still the same. I honestly don't care about what both of you are going to do. I'll be with Dede, even if it means we should fight against the world just by the two of us.

I don't hate you, you know. Never have, never will. About the other party involved in this case... well, I can't say I don't hate him either, yet I have lost my respect and my trust once eight years ago. Then twice yesterday.

We are good pretenders. You said we aren't because you still pour your heart in the fight. And pouring your heart means you're not pretending to keep this survive. Oh, I would like to be as genuine as you are. But I'm not.

Please know that seeing you disrespected and judged in every possible way hurts me.

I hope in the future you will make decisions that make you happy. Don't worry about me because this kind of circumstances only make me stronger. I'm still young, so I'll survive. The only thing I have ever cared about is our happiness, anyway. Broken mirror better stays broken. If you try to fix it, you'll end up hurting yourself. 

Dua Sisi Kereta Khusus Perempuan

Gue perempuan, bukan pelanggan rutin kereta, dan sampai gue mulai magang akhir-akhir ini, sekali-sekalinya gue naik kereta bukan saat jam pulang atau berangkat kerja. Dulu gue melihat adanya kereta khusus perempuan adalah satu bentuk kemajuan dalam upaya perlindungan perempuan. Tapi kemudian, gue terpaksa mengubah pandangan gue.

Gue bisa melihat manfaat kereta khusus perempuan dengan sangat jelas.

1. Kereta khusus perempuan melindungi perempuan dari pelecehan seksual yang dapat dilakukan oleh penumpang laki-laki. Banyak kasus sudah terjadi mengenai pelecehan seksual di kereta, bahkan seorang teman pernah mengalaminya sendiri. Jadi, saya melihat adanya kereta khusus perempuan sangat berguna.
2. Dengan adanya kereta khusus perempuan, meski berdesak-desakkan di saat jam kerja adalah hal yang wajar, setidaknya kami bisa berdesak-desakkan dengan lebih nyaman karena tidak ada kontak fisik dengan laki-laki yang (kembali ke poin 1) dapat melakukan pelecehan seksual.

Pendek kata, kereta khusus perempuan memberikan kenyamanan lebih. Gue bahkan menuliskannya sebagai tugas kelas Writing VI gue. Tapi, seorang teman bilang bahwa di kereta khusus perempuan, penumpangnya sangat egois. Karena merasa diri perempuan yang layak diutamakan dan mendapat duduk, penumpang kereta khusus perempuan lebih sengit dalam berebut tempat duduk. Dengan kata lain, lebih besar kemungkinan merasa tidak nyaman di kereta khusus perempuan.

Awalnya, gue tidak mengerti kenapa teman gue bisa berpendapat seperti itu. Namun, kemarin adalah jawabannya.

Sekitar jam setengah lima sore, gue naik kereta menuju Bogor dari Stasiun Tanah Abang. Seperti biasanya kereta menuju Bogor di sore hari, kereta kali itu dibanjiri oleh manusia. Gue berdiri karena memang gue akan turun di Manggarai, dan karena tidak ada tempat duduk kosong.

Tidak lama setelah gue masuk, gue mendengar suara tangisan bayi. Seorang ibu sedang menggendong bayinya di tengah kerumunan orang di dalam gerbong. Gue tidak terlalu memusingkan itu karena, sejauh pengalaman gue di bis, akan ada orang yang memberikan tempat duduk.

Kemudian, kereta mulai berjalan.

Tangisan bayi masih belum berhenti, dan itu membuat gue kembali menoleh ke arah sang ibu. Dia masih berusaha mencari tempat yang paling nyaman untuk berdiri dan menenangkan bayinya. Pada waktu itu, si bayi sudah cukup lama menangis.

Bagian tempat ibu itu berdiri mulai riuh. Beberapa orang yang berdiri menyindir penumpang yang duduk tentang bagaimana mereka tidak mau memberikan tempat duduk untuk ibu itu. Beberapa yang lain menuding satpam tidak bekerja dengan baik dan mencarikan tempat untuk ibu itu. Gue bisa merasakan suasana menjadi agak sedikit tegang, apalagi ditambah suara tangisan bayi yang tidak kunjung berhenti.

Hal itu terjadi untuk waktu yang cukup lama, hingga akhirnya seorang ibu yang berdiri di dekat gue menyuruh seorang penumpang di depannya untuk berdiri dan memberi tempat untuk ibu itu. Dia kemudian memanggil si ibu dan menunjukkan tempat duduknya.

Suasana mereda, tapi emosi gue sesaat jadi naik. Gue tidak habis pikir, bagaimana bisa kejadian seperti itu terjadi? Di bis, kejadian seperti itu tidak mungkin terjadi. Penumpang di bis punya sedikit moral dalam diri mereka.

Melihat kejadian seperti itu, gue jadi mempertanyakan moral penumpang kereta kemarin itu.

Hati nurani, sedikit pun, apa tidak punya?
Tidak adakah yang membayangkan berada dalam posisi si ibu? Atau si bayi?
Apa begitu merasa perlu diutamakan?

Gue jadi mengerti kenapa teman gue begitu menentang kereta khusus perempuan. Sudah tidak ada makna dari keberadaan kereta khusus perempuan jika semua penumpangnya merasa perlu diutamakan. Tidak ada lagi manfaatnya kalau tidak ada toleransi di antara mereka.

...dan orang bilang perempuan adalah makhluk yang penuh kasih sayang.

HUL. Coba lihat dulu kereta khusus perempuan saat jam kerja.

Cerita Musim Panas #3: Baddest Female... Bad Meaning Bad

Oh, God, I'm so consumed by the wrath she caused.

It all began after this GIZIBE and I played guessing game about with whom our heart belong. Perhaps, at that time, I already subconsciously knew we had the same crush.

* * *

I'm the one who said it first. I told her that I like HIM. This GIZIBE, who were usually very mischievous and cheerful, suddenly replied rather coldly. She was being totally obvious that she, too, like HIM. Yet, she kept denying.

I decided not to continue playing the guessing game because it's getting boring the longer the players keep their secret. Even though it was obvious to whom her heart belonged, I could not be 100% sure if she did not say it. For some time, this GIZIBE told me about how happy she was with the guy she liked.

Then, on the 9th of JUly, she decided to spill it out.

"Yes," she said. "Yes, we do like the same person. It's HIM."

I was blanked. It was like there was "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" in my head. Repeated, repeated, repeated. Oh, it was expected, of course. I wasn't surprised. I knew it was something to feel sad for. I just didn't know how to respond.

I immediately told Gevin, who- of course- were with me because of the work we have together, and Marco, who were online on Facebook as always. I knew I could cry anytime then, but the tears could not flow naturally. Especially not when I didn't even know what to feel. As a matter of fact, instead of sadness or grief, the first feeling that striked me was relief.

I was grateful that GIZIBE told me the truth.

I hate her in an instant- naturally- but I was a good pretender. At least, I could do better in avoiding the awkward situation than her. Or not. Recalling the memory from yesterday, I was being awfully sarcastic... with the smiles and the laughs. I even simply stated my disappointment.

The first thought that came to me was "This is crazy." Why did it always happen to me? My first time was with my close friend. This time with this GIZIBE I'm getting to know. However, this time I refuse to think I'm not good enough. Instead, I believe the one meant for me is just not here yet.

I was confused of what to think and do when she suddenly wrote "Sorry for being close with HIM," on our chat page. This... GIZIBE, I'm not sure if she's a fool or she's simply being mean. I mean, what did she expect me to respond? Another "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH" popped in my head.

Did she expect me to give in? To put my hands up and surrender to the fact they're closer than I do to HIM?

I did not write back until she called me out.

"Mel, haloooo."

I responded back with a hello and tried to act casual. Since I'm a good pretender, I can avoid the awkwardness.

Then, jokingly-with-a-bit-truth-behind-it, I said, "It's not fun anymore since now I know how he has feelings for you," to which she responded "Hahaha, yeah, what to do about it...", WHICH kinds of ridiculously unbelievable.

It occurred to me for the second time that day, is she a fool or is she being mean?
Never before had someone did me wrong. I mean, surely some people behave annoyingly or proudly, and that upsets me. But for someone to literally does an evil deed to me? It has never happened.

She's a bad female for sure. Bad meaning bad.

Cerita Musim Panas #3: Patah Hati

"Halo!"

Sungguh gue tidak menyangka liburan ini akan menyapa Patah Hati :) Setelah Cerita Musim Panas #2 yang begitu menyenangkan, ternyata sihir musim panas retak kemarin.

Awal minggu ini, berita buruk itu datang. Jadi, ada satu perempuan ini, sebut saja Lily, yang mengaku juga suka pada Dia. Perasaan Lily sudah tertebak--trust me, girls can tell--jadi gue nggak terlalu heran saat dia bilang dia suka Dia. :) Kecewa? Pasti. Shock? Enggak. Pernyataan Lily yang tiba-tiba itu hanya mengkonfirmasi tebakan-tebakan gue.

Karena caranya dalam membiarkan gue tahu, gue membencinya. Gue pengin bilang "Lo kayaknya ngajak ribut banget, ya :)" tapi terpaksa hanya menjadi bisikan setan di dalam hati. Yah, bagaimana lagi. Id boleh jadi meraung minta diperhatikan, tapi ego tahu superego harus didengarkan kali ini.

Seriously.

I can just mention the three disrespectful moves she made last Tuesday, but I know it will only boil my calmed heart.

I could not cry; I lost the place and timing, jadi id gue harus dipuaskan dengan cara lain. Hasilnya, Selasa kemarin gue membabi makan McFlurry Caramel Crunch yang bahkan di saat biasa bisa menjadi moodbooster. IDGAF how I looked. I could appeared awfully pitiful yesterday, but I just didn't care.

Belum cukup? Hari ini, gue jalan sama Ruth, Marco, Rizky, dan Riri. :") Gue bener-bener butuh cerita sama Ruth dan sama siapa aja yang mau mendengarkan. Talking always has a way to make me feel better and stronger. Kemudian, gue membiarkan emosi gue keluar.

Ngomong, marah-marah, ketawa-ketawa palsu... gue yakin mereka berempat juga udah tau ketawa-ketawanya gue bukan karena beneran seneng. Entah ya, tadi gue merasa murka aja. Fufu~ tadi puasa pertama sih, tapi agaknya puasa gue tidak diterima Allah :( You decide, God.

Kami ke FX, nonton Despicable Me 2 (yang agak overrated menurut gue) dan makan di Ichiban Sushi. Pengen Chirashi Sushi-nya tapi setelah sekian lama nggak kesana, mata agak melotot juga melihat harganya. Belanja-belenji oleh-oleh buat orang di rumah --> udah kayak objek wisata. Gosip. Curhat. Mendapat persetujuan dari mereka bahwa yang Lily lakukan memang brengsek.

Ada kepuasan tersendiri dari ngomongin masalah ini ke orang lain. Ada kepuasan tersendiri juga secara sadar berusaha bersikap sesarkastis mungkin. Ada kekuatan dari mengubah rasa sedih ke amarah.

I don't know. I'll drag her down to the place she put me. If I'm going down, she's going down. Karena niscaya masalah ini mungkin sebenarnya sudah tidak lagi berhubungan dengan Dia sebagai gebetan, tapi dengan gue, gengsi gue, dan Lily.

Yah, eniwei, friends are always the best moodbooster :)