I just talked to my mother about my longing heart. Everything in my life lately is about the longing to go, not toward someplace, but from here. About the longing to find God not in a place where God's name has been stained with prejudice and extremity and fanaticism. About the longing to escape from the suffocating reality of a "dry, yeastless factuality".

Sometimes I wonder if she regrets having let me study at the faculty of humanities. I wonder if she regrets having let me read all the books I've read. But my world has become so small; it's trapping me inside. It has become so limited. I am chained to my own life.

Hence, I live many lives. I acquaint myself with great books because

A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading. (William Styron)

 I am so at a point of no return.

Learning from "Life a Pi"

I'm still reading Yann Martel's Life of Pi since months ago, not because I find it boring, but because I can't find the right time to snuggle up and absorb every word of it (and because reading it on my phone brings me headache). Now that I have the book, I'm rereading it from the beginning.

I think at least I have gone through the first chapters of Life of Pi three times and it still fascinates me. Earlier today, an acquaintance told me that this book is a weird book, and I just laughed but I didn't quite understand why. As an over-analyzing person, I reflected on what makes the book appealing to me. Then it occurred to me that the first chapters are about religion and its spirituality. My acquaintance, as far as I know, is not a spiritual person. At least, not that I know of. That's probably why she finds it weird. 

However, if you've read my previous posts, you know how I am attracted to religious stuff more than I'm willing to admit to anyone outside my college circle of friends (of course, because it's them with whom I talk about this subject the most). 

Anyway, I re-encountered my favorite quote today

I find the quote strongly affects me. It does not only say that the essence - or the "soul" - of every religion (at least the three that are mentioned here) is basically the same, but also that we need to see through the differences in rites and practices. If everyone sees this like Martel, wouldn't life be more peaceful?

Saying that Martel was trying to suggest religious toleration using this quote might diminish the true meaning he had in mind while writing the story (because I think it's deeper than toleration; it's about seeing religion apart from its layer of practice and rites, but then again, Oscar Wilde told us that art mirrors its spectator, which in this case, is me).

Anyway, I really like the depiction of Pi. Similar to what I went through with Bodhi in Supernova: Akar (2002), I can really relate myself to Pi's journey of finding God. This book liberated me from my incapability and limitation to experience and to choose because it illustrated that liberty enough as Pi bathed in the clarity of the three religions. 

I am at a loss for words, so I can only say that the world needs more inspiring books like this.

I have been unfair...

...about my job. There are things I like about it, such as the freedom to choose your outfit. You won't have to wear discomforting uniform if you work there. And there are the students. And there are the jokes. And there is the power. And there is the time when you finally see what's it like to become a teacher. Those clarity moments.

All over the place!

My thoughts are scattered all over the place! I'll try to sum them up in one paragraph each. Let's see how it works.

How I am valued

Just yesterday, one of my closest friends and I had a serious talk about this guy with whom I used to spent lots of time together. He told me that if this guy's not right for me, I don't have to worry because - indeed it was the term he used - I am a "valuable woman". Oh, he meant good... even though then he said I'm not ugly and I look cute and I look like a good girl... so I asked him whether my value had been just about looks. He told me it hadn't been so, that I also have a good inner side; but the priority is crystal clear, isn't it? Boys, I thought. Well, I still feel thankful for him because he humored me and he really meant good. He's a sincere friend. There's no doubt about it.

Again, my (not so) pathetic, pathetic working life

I have to admit that I have been unfair and too hard on my new environment. I talked to some of my friends and they, too, don't like their first job (even one has submitted her resignation letter!). Hence, I thought jobs must be simply suck, probably especially first jobs. And meeting up with old friends makes me realize that my world is wide. It is not limited to a certain environment. So now it's up to me: will I let my sickening and maddening working environment ruin MY ENTIRE LIFE? I love my life better than that. Then, I guess it's time to see life with a more positive outlook. YOUR LIFE IS BIGGER AND FAR MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR JOB, REALLY.

We're so living in a stereotypical world and Allegiant (2013) sums it up

"But now I am wondering if I need it anymore, if we ever really need these words, 'Dauntless', 'Erudite', 'Divergent', 'Allegiant', or if we can just be friends or lovers or siblings, defined instead by the choices we make and the love and loyalty that binds us." (Roth: 2013, p. 134).

Now replace the name of the factions and groups with religions or races or ethnicity. You see? The Divergent series are a simplified reality.

Some thoughts on "IMPULSE FOR THE HOMOGENOUS"

Last week I googled collective sadism for my writing project and found this:

The Hatred of Nations

Basically it is about how the "impulse for the homogenous", or the tendency toward homogeneity, drives nations to hatred toward other nations (but do read the article and correct me if I got it wrong). 

I read the article and it was not about the hatred of nations that I understood; instead, it was about how the impulse for the homogenous is probably the core of almost all major problems we face today (and older days).

Name it. Racism, gender inequality, religions intolerance... these are only some of the problems I am sure we are all familiar with. Racism is strongly related to America, be it back in the days or today in its post-racial issues, but it also happened in Indonesia with the alienated Chinese people. Gender inequality, on the other hand, is an issue that is still hotly debated. People have long started to realize the importance of gender equality - proven with the ever-growing feminism - but then there's its counterstrike: meninism. I don't know if the phenomenon is a match for years of feminism growth, but it could be the beginning. Then there's religions intolerance, my favorite subject, which is the most visible major problem in Indonesia. It is tragic really, considering Indonesia was once regarded as a diverse and tolerant country. 

After reading the first article (The Hatred of Nations), I rethought my understanding about these problems and realize that it is likely that they were caused by the same impulse for the homogenous. For racism, it is clear that white people strongly disliked the different skin color. Actually, it wasn't dislike they started with. It started with the thought that the color difference meant different place on Earth, creating some sort of caste system, because there was the arrogance of white supremacy. In Indonesia, on the other hand, the racism against Chinese people wasn't originated from the color difference. It had something to do with political issues and communism, but in the end everything associated with Chinese characteristics (which means including their looks) decided the treatment they received.

Gender inequality was clearly caused by the tendency toward homogeneity because there are judgments toward women: that women are incapable, weak, the second sex. These judgments were made by the other sex, which is obviously male, and since then created an image of what women are. But before we discuss this issue deeper, let's not confuse gender and sex. Putting it simply, sex is male and female (the biological difference; between the one with penis and the one with vagina), and gender is man and woman (the stereotype of male and female's characteristics, that is the masculinity and the femininity). There are people who overgeneralized and associate gender with sex, saying a female must be feminine and a male must be masculine when it actually doesn't always have to be that way. Anyway, the decision that women are the second sex were made by men who thought that their sex was better. Come to think of it, did they really think that being physically stronger and thinking more logically make them the better sex? I don't think of myself as a feminist, but surely I oppose this idea. Back to the topic, I'm just saying that the very own thought that men can judge and put women in their 'place' was probably caused by the very impulse for the homogenous itself. It's basically drawing a bold line between men and women.

And finally we get to the last one: religions intolerance. This, I will based on my conversation with my friend earlier. This is an issue that has long been heard in the world, but only recently did I take notice of it. I think it started in 2012 or so for me. As far as I see, there is no firm ground for religions toleration in Indonesia. Religion has been a sensitive issue for years because it is related to our beliefs. For me, I don't see why people make it a problem because one's belief is related to one's inner self. There is no judge there, there is no standard there, there is no evaluation there. The proof that one has believed correctly is a matter in God's hand and no one but oneself would be there on the Judgment Day (or the Underworld, or the reincarnation circle, or whatever people believe in). Having faith in a religion is like taking an exam for a lifetime. The score comes out in our death. Religion is that simple for me.

Don't fuss and be a prick who preaches right and wrong because you just fucking don't know, but alas, not everyone shares my value. This is so related to that very impulse for the homogenous because some people think their religion is the correct one and thus, any difference is wrong. God, I don't know how many times I should highlight that truth is subjective. People just can't see, can they? This impulse is okay if they just keep it to themselves, yet they have to act on it. They have to exterminate those who are different. If something does not go along with their religious moral compass, they just have to fix it. They do not see that not everyone's moral compasses head the same way. Obviously, this creates a never-ending conflict in Indonesia, especially because some of the majority of Indonesian population are freak fanatics who think they're better than everyone else. Please, like they already have the guarantee of being sent to Heaven. 

Anyway, my point is that the impulse for the homogenous is a scary thing, but it is also a very humane characteristic. I mean, to create these major conflicts, it must be a viral thing. This impulse is not only felt by one or two people; it influences a group of people. No wonder it appears in my Google search for collective sadism. 

* * *

P.S. I just remembered that the Hitler case was also caused by a clear and strong impulse for the homogenous. Really, humans are scary. Even myself scares me.

Some thoughts on MARRIAGE

Marriage

Really. Marriage. If you are in your early-to-mid 20s and you live in Indonesia, marriage is a subject you cannot avoid. It is viral - even more than a gossip on the internet. Marriage used to be a topic only overly nosy aunts and uncles had the guts to ask, but now it is among even peers. Unwilling peers, in my case.

Oh, do not be mistaken. We do want to marry our asses off, but it is something easier said than done and people just cannot see that. It is probably because they don't see what we see and vice versa, or the meaning and goal of marriage is just different for us.

Of course when you talk about marriage, love comes to mind. At least, it is that way for me. Who doesn't want to marry for love? Seeing the love of your life walks to you and hold your hands in his and looks at you with the promise of forever are the beautiful things related with the image of marriage. I want that. I believe most people do. Some people are lucky enough to get the whole package, but others are not that lucky (although, then again, the definition of lucky is relative). I do not want to think that I am unlucky despite the fact that sometimes it is hard to not think that way, but let's just use one perspective of lucky here: girls who marry at their early 20s are lucky - it is better if they marry for love. 

So you see, the focus of marriage in Indonesia for girls at our early 20s has shifted. It is no longer the dream of the perfect one; it is the age deadline. Love is a bonus. When you reach, say, 23, people start approaching you and ask when you'll marry or who's your future husband. And when you say you don't know yet, they start preaching you and telling you that girls should not delay marriage... as if there's not enough deadline in life. 

At first, it was really hard to not get mad when people preach. I had thought it was unfair. Not everyone has the chance to meet the apple of their eyes so soon in life! But that's when it struck me: people keep focusing on the age deadline that they no longer see the beautiful things (and then again, the definition of beautiful is also relative). It led me, by the way, to another clarity: people want different things. 

Some people see marriage as a means to achieve happiness. Probably they want to be united with their true love. Other people see marriage as a safety belt. Marriage provides security, insurance, stability, the guarantee that you won't be alone on your deathbed. Religious people see marriage as a means to avoid sins and adultery - for girls: a handover from parents to husbands. 

Oh, those views are fine. What's not fine is how people force their view on marriage to other people. They mean well, of course, but it kinda hurt my feelings sometimes. To be honest, I used to dream of marrying the perfect guy at 23, but when I reached 21 it all changed. Marriage becomes something so faraway and unimaginable in the near future. I'm 22 and still it's not in my imagined near future. First, because of the nonexistent boyfriend. Second, because there are things I wanna try first. I want to be settled in life before sharing it with anyone for the rest of it.

I think it is safe to say that if I had a boyfriend right now, I probably wouldn't say the same. I probably would be planning the perfect wedding in my mind. But I don't have one, so yeah. But do I regret it? Do I feel sorry for myself? It turns out to be a big no because I find myself chasing other goals. Trust me, I have plenty of it. You're probably thinking that I'm in denial and that's your choice, but really - life is not just about preparing ourselves to marry.

What I feel sorry about is how people think that my kind of girls are unlucky. That we are picky or worse: that we are not picked. I feel sorry about how people think there is a deadline for marriage and those who pass it are pitiable. But I feel sorry the most for people who think us girls live for marriage and that our worth is decided by our marriageability.