Some thoughts on MARRIAGE

Marriage

Really. Marriage. If you are in your early-to-mid 20s and you live in Indonesia, marriage is a subject you cannot avoid. It is viral - even more than a gossip on the internet. Marriage used to be a topic only overly nosy aunts and uncles had the guts to ask, but now it is among even peers. Unwilling peers, in my case.

Oh, do not be mistaken. We do want to marry our asses off, but it is something easier said than done and people just cannot see that. It is probably because they don't see what we see and vice versa, or the meaning and goal of marriage is just different for us.

Of course when you talk about marriage, love comes to mind. At least, it is that way for me. Who doesn't want to marry for love? Seeing the love of your life walks to you and hold your hands in his and looks at you with the promise of forever are the beautiful things related with the image of marriage. I want that. I believe most people do. Some people are lucky enough to get the whole package, but others are not that lucky (although, then again, the definition of lucky is relative). I do not want to think that I am unlucky despite the fact that sometimes it is hard to not think that way, but let's just use one perspective of lucky here: girls who marry at their early 20s are lucky - it is better if they marry for love. 

So you see, the focus of marriage in Indonesia for girls at our early 20s has shifted. It is no longer the dream of the perfect one; it is the age deadline. Love is a bonus. When you reach, say, 23, people start approaching you and ask when you'll marry or who's your future husband. And when you say you don't know yet, they start preaching you and telling you that girls should not delay marriage... as if there's not enough deadline in life. 

At first, it was really hard to not get mad when people preach. I had thought it was unfair. Not everyone has the chance to meet the apple of their eyes so soon in life! But that's when it struck me: people keep focusing on the age deadline that they no longer see the beautiful things (and then again, the definition of beautiful is also relative). It led me, by the way, to another clarity: people want different things. 

Some people see marriage as a means to achieve happiness. Probably they want to be united with their true love. Other people see marriage as a safety belt. Marriage provides security, insurance, stability, the guarantee that you won't be alone on your deathbed. Religious people see marriage as a means to avoid sins and adultery - for girls: a handover from parents to husbands. 

Oh, those views are fine. What's not fine is how people force their view on marriage to other people. They mean well, of course, but it kinda hurt my feelings sometimes. To be honest, I used to dream of marrying the perfect guy at 23, but when I reached 21 it all changed. Marriage becomes something so faraway and unimaginable in the near future. I'm 22 and still it's not in my imagined near future. First, because of the nonexistent boyfriend. Second, because there are things I wanna try first. I want to be settled in life before sharing it with anyone for the rest of it.

I think it is safe to say that if I had a boyfriend right now, I probably wouldn't say the same. I probably would be planning the perfect wedding in my mind. But I don't have one, so yeah. But do I regret it? Do I feel sorry for myself? It turns out to be a big no because I find myself chasing other goals. Trust me, I have plenty of it. You're probably thinking that I'm in denial and that's your choice, but really - life is not just about preparing ourselves to marry.

What I feel sorry about is how people think that my kind of girls are unlucky. That we are picky or worse: that we are not picked. I feel sorry about how people think there is a deadline for marriage and those who pass it are pitiable. But I feel sorry the most for people who think us girls live for marriage and that our worth is decided by our marriageability.