A Phone Call part 5

Again, I stop myself from remembering everything.

It is awful to be like this. It's not like I lost my mind, no, it's just I've erased it for more than months. It would be silly to recall it again. I decide to write. It has been long since I don't write. If I don't write now, I would lose it all. After long having writer's block, I understand how precious ideas are.

*     *     *

It has been two days and I still can't reach Hendra. I know how irrelevant I have become to his life, but it still bothers my mind. Knowing someone is missing, I just can't let it be. Still, I don't give it much thought and life goes on.

I told Pita, one of the best friends I used to share with Hendra. A story about him has been long become internal jokes between us. I always feel like laughing on my old self, foolishly infatuated by his odd charm. Oh, no, he was never the one to be called Prince Charming. He was not nicely built, his words weren't sweet, he did not actually swept me off my feet. Instead, he kept pushing me away, his words meant to hurt me- I know because he actually  admitted it was the way it meant- and he made me a joke for the world. But it was because he was like that that I became interested in him. And it is because it was like that that I learn to laugh on myself.

I thought Pita would laugh along with me.

Turns out she thinks I still have a crush on him.

"It's a joke, Pita. It's a joke." Huh. I can't believe how she thinks I'm still on it.

"Yeah, right. You sound bothered to me," she denied.

"Of course I am! Would you forget it if someone's missing?"

"No, of course not. But don't you think this is exactly WHY you can't have a boyfriend?"

Now she's being ridiculous.

"What's the relation between this and a boyfriend?"

"Nothing," she says. "I just think maybe you laugh at this matter too long."

*     *     *

What Pita says surely bothers me a lot. A part of me might have realized sooner than my brain do- since it just realizes it now- that the hatred I feel toward him is no longer my strength. It consumes me. It traps me in the past. It turns what was once a joke to a hindrance. No, let me ensure you, I am no longer infatuated by Hendra. I have stopped being mad at him a long time ago. But I haven't stopped despising him. By doing this, I'm making myself remember him always.