Rereading Myself

Instead of rereading myself, I should've named the title "Rereading What I Wrote On My Previous Post." I wrote that piece while being mad, or, quoting myself, enraged about what is happening in Indonesia. Of course, it turned out to be an unprofessional, nonintellectual long rant that even I doubt the causes and effects mentioned were actually causal. Shouldn't have so easily related Indonesia's fear and hatred toward LGBTQ with Indonesia's forceful censorship on TV. My bad. I was naive and immature (I still can't guarantee I'm over that, but we all grow up everyday, and enough sleep always helps).

This is 2016, and it feels like London in 1988. How do I know it when I am still 23? Well, Alan Moore in 1988 voiced exactly what it feels like to be in a situation like this: "The government has expressed a desire to eradicate homosexuality, even as an abstract concept, and one can only speculate as to which minority will be the next legislated against." And if this general statement is not enough, he added a personal statement that also speaks for me: "I'm thinking of taking my family and getting out of this country soon, sometime over the next couple of years. It's cold and it's mean spirited and I don't like it here anymore." Although the family to which I refer would not be my husband and children, and Indonesia is definitely not cold, the rest of the sentence works well to describe what's been accumulating in my head. Thank you, Alan Moore, and your preface for V for Vendetta (1989). 

Indonesia has it more or less the same now with U.K. then. Only it was Christianity, not Islam, that stood as the grounding rule. As I have mentioned in my previous post, Abrahamic religions rule homosexuality as sinful. This newly discovered fact about which you can read all in Wikipedia (of course, if you're looking for some strong facts backed by evidence and legal historical record, never put your faith in Wikipedia--I have nothing against the page, but it is editable. Meaning anyone can alter the content. Helpful, but not reliable) makes me rethink of how public figures and much-publicized institutions shape religions in the eyes of the society. London was famous for its Christianity as well as Indonesia (or I should say, Jakarta and the surrounding areas) is famous for our Islam.

I don't know how people perceive these religions then and now, but I do know that it will be small wonder if there are people who think Islam is too dominant in Indonesia. I mean, the public figures and institutions here truly have no chill. Referring to (again) my previous post, I have described how it is here and now--childish instant reaction to things they don't understand. 

Anyway, I will not make this about religion. Religions are religions, with their set of rules. They are neither to be challenged nor are they to be altered to suit our own needs and wants. The only thing that sadly turns religions into reasons for judging other people is that they are open to interpretation. It just so happens that sometimes, the people who interpret it become the face of the religion--while in the process, smudging its purity and kindness.

Regarding the LGBTQ issue, because the authorities has called it out as sinful, there has been a publication from Indonesia Broadcasting Commission about the prohibition from displaying transgender women and related behavior on TV. A mosque for transgender community in Jogjakarta is closed. Hate speech mushroomed. An ex-minister tweeted a misinterpreted/incompletely interpreted hadith allowing the killing of transgender people. It is dangerous, what these public figures could do with their hastily shallow understanding about their own faith and their own people.

I said I will not make this about religion. However, it is almost unavoidable to see that amidst this controversy about LGBTQ, a strong sense of Islamic solidarity is formed among the majority of Indonesians. It is natural, I must say. After all, Islam is against homosexuality (right, about that, I'm trying to say this, but. . .yeah, I can't help myself: Islam is against homosexuality, true, but Islam is never against embracing people. Go, read some history on Islam. Read the story of our Prophet Muhammad [PBUH] and tell me it isn't right. You will know what I'm suggesting here). 

I cannot say that this solidarity and this sudden re-realization of "Islamic values" are directly related to censorship in media (or even if it is related at all), but before you know it, everywhere things are blurred. Censorship at its best. It has been disturbing for quite some times since they decided to censor cigarettes and even the slightest cleavage on TV, but only recently I found out they also made up their mind to censor guns. In a frenzy action movie culture, censoring guns means mosaics here and there. Still, what blew everyone's mind was these two outrageous censorship: the one on cartoons and the one on kebaya, our own traditional dress. The skirt worn by Shizuka from Doraemon is considered too short (she is a 5-year-old). The bikini worn by Sandy from Spongebob Squarepants is considered inappropriate (she is a squirrel). The kebaya worn by the beauty pageant contestants is considered showing too much skin (. . . .it is our own traditional attire?).

Whether or not Islamic values are related to this unfortunate event, what happens happens. As insane as it is, this is the face of Indonesian media these days: frightened by women's body. Pardon the use of words; I am a woman and I am offended. Cigarettes are dangerous for our health, as it is scientifically proven. Guns are dangerous because it is a weapon, it harms people and breaks things. Is women's body dangerous? If you say so with whatever reason you might have (apart from religion, because it is complicated to elaborate women's position in Islam and it will need a whole another post), congratulations. You see the world through men's eyes. As Naomi Wolf said, "Beauty provokes harassment, the law says, but it looks through men's eyes when deciding what provokes it." (The Beauty Myth, 1990). If any, women's body are dangerous for themselves. Some men are so used to having excuses justifying women's objectification.

You might challenge me and argue, "You said 'apart from religion', which means it can be that these censorship guys censored TV according to rules set in religions! We see this from religions' eyes, you insolent writer!" Well, think again. Which religion forbids women from showing their skin? If your answer is Islam, think again. Is Indonesia an Islamic country? The majority of us are Muslims, I know, but is it an Islamic country? Is Indonesian law supposedly rooted from Islamic rules? You just gotta think and think again. Indonesia is home to diversity. Different languages, skin colors, religions, beliefs, norms, social values, lifestyles. There is never a rule that says majority is law. You know, you might think I'm kafir by now, and I disrespect Islam by wearing hijab while having an opinion like this. It's fine. I'm a Muslim neither because of nor for you (that, if I'm a Muslim at all; you and I both know only Allah can pass someone as a true Muslim). 

All in all, again, I made this too intertwined with religion (okay, Islam). But, really, you cannot talk about these two issues without relating it with Islam. The country that was once famous for its friendly pluralism is no longer. And sometimes, to me, it is as if the government forget that they are the leaders of diverse people--they play favorites with only some groups. Coincidentally, it is Islam. Still, recalling the history of LGBTQ in London, I doubt this parade will last for long. The same goes for women's objectification. 

What is happening!?

I cannot stay silent about the fear and condemnation of women's bodies in media around here. From Ke$ha's denied plea to be released of her contract, to Indonesia's extreme censorship on TV... there are too many unhappy things about women's place in the world.

Gender issues (right, because this is not exclusively about feminism; this is also about the recent popularity of LGBTQ) are surfacing in this world. Last year, America has ruled same-sex marriage as legal. For a so-called free country, I should say, it is not something that raises questions (or eyebrows). It doesn't change their foundation, which is--should it be underlined--"freedom for all." However, it doesn't take a freakishly intelligent person to tell that the move will change the whole world. Or at least Indonesia.

For all my life, and I'm in my early 20s, I have always known America as the Capital of the World. It is the center of film industry, of technology, of politics, of fashion... and as of late, of its attention on humanity issues. FYI, this humanity issues include attention on same-sex relationship. It was not the first country to legalize same-sex marriage, but it was America. Sooner or later, it will change something. The perspectives. The paradigm. The courage to change and speak up.

It just has to be that in Indonesia, it happened sooner rather than later, because earlier this year, there emerged, from a national university, a study group that supposedly discuss about LGBTQ and how to be a part of LGBTQ and deal with both themselves and the society within which they live.  Of course, the university was quick in disclaiming the group, saying that it had never asked for their permission in using the uni's name--and, in the process, severing any relationship between them. The university cannot be held responsible for the radical event.

What, radical, you say? Yes. So, you see, Indonesia is not the U.S. Its legal foundation is the faith to the one and only God. Plus, the majority of the population is Muslims. Same-sex relationship is haraam in Islam. I am a born Muslim. Believe me, I know. It's true. But I'm here neither to persuade you readers (if there's any) to go against LGBTQ, nor am I here to ask you to challenge my own religion. No.

I am here simply because I am enraged of what is happening.

The "coming out" of aforementioned sexuality study group (which, tbh, I am totally interested to join, since, in case you're not paying attention, it provides space to study sexuality; NOT, as what some people strongly believe, promoting LGBTQ--come on, people, be open-minded!) was thought to be an insignificant, seemingly fleeting problem. Especially, since the related uni has publicly disclaimed it.

Unfortunately, some people just cannot let go (and I cannot blame them, truly) because they are concerned with the well-being of their children in the future. To put it simply, this is considered as a rotten image of today's generation (if not another sign of how doomsday is near), and now is a rotten era.

Dicussions were held, both among peers and on TV. I watched it, once. I saw a journalist around my age, a woman, a hijabi, speaking out about freedom--and pretty much what people who have studied humanities would say. Needless to say, I agreed with her. Man, she wasn't even trying to convince anyone. She simply stated her opinion... and she received a counterattack in the form of a raised, emotional, provocative voice (at least that's how it sounded to my ears) by people who doubtfully know anything about humanities at all.

It is, however, saddening to bear the fact that the majority of this country are the ones with that difference. This position of power makes differences more than simply what they are. What began as different stands on LGBTQ ends up as a set of boundaries separating the characteristics of men and women. If I hadn't known better, they seem like a frightened little children who hate something alien to them; little children who fear and avoid what they don't understand. Or are they, really?

Anyway, the boundaries of men and women spell stereotype. And here is where it is connected to feminism, simply because its movements are the ones that soundly fight for gender equality. With the stereotypes coming back, women's objectification comes along. And with that, the second sex situation all over again. TV shows are imposed with drastic censorship, to the point where the slightest bit of skin showing is decorated with mozaics even in cartoon movies. Then also, what blew everyone's mind, the skin of our beauty queens on their beauty contest, while wearing our traditional kebaya. Then, Indonesian Broadcasting Commission publicly published prohibitions to TV stations from displaying males dressed, act, and speak in females manner. Then a mosque for "waria" (men crossdressing as women) was forced to close. It is as if GENDER STEREOTYPES are stressed in almost every aspect in media because we fear we will forget them, and we will turn into LGBTQ once we forget.

Look, I know this piece of writing is not organized and not very comprehensive. You might not even understand what I'm writing. So here's the point of me ranting on and on and wasting your precious minutes: I am enraged (yep, highlighting my feeling) that some people are so tangled in this gender issue without even knowing what gender issue really is. They got a glimpse of the world beyond them, they were not ready... and they pass judgment while looking at that world through their tinted eyeglasses. Again, I'm not asking you to challenge my own religion (this is because Islam is the only religion I mentioned which actually forbids same-sex relationship, while actually it is also forbidden in other Abrahamic religions); I'm just asking you, readers, to learn a bit about humanity without filtering it with any values you may have hold before. You can change your mind after learning it, you can stay with your own perspectives. . . but you can at least learn before you freaked out and condemning I'm, and people like me, kafir.

I am not a part of LGBTQ because I, a woman, like men. It does not mean I am normal and they aren't. It simply means we are different. I am not suggesting to promote or to empower the groups supporting LGBTQ. It does not mean I would ban and/or condescend them. I just let them be. I would not alter the world to suit my values. And regarding the extreme censorship. . . well, I must say it is stupid. I watched the same movies when I was younger, the same movies they now censor but then didn't, and I didn't have any weird thoughts. Truly, censoring it only makes people wonder what's behind those disturbing small boxes that give people the wrong idea of what's really going on. For this, I have something to say: "the pot calling the kettle black." Censoring everything means those people are assuming other people see what they see, which means they are probably the most perverted ones in the whole country.

Quarter-life Crisis

Reaching the peak of our 20s (plus the fact that we are all so sinfully ambitious), my friends and I are probably facing our biggest quater-life crisis right now: the choices. 

For me, it always starts with the longing to escape from my job. You see, I'm working my second job. Unlike my first job as a teacher, I love it here. I love translating movies, I love the friends (although you really can't love everyone), I love the routine. It is all perfect except for the shifting (from which I finally managed to escape due to a case with a night company driver) and the management (which is unfitting its famous name), and sometimes the ones who got away (you know, the would-be friends but drifted apart with spite once we encountered the, ahem, night company driver-case). Sometimes it occurs to me that I might be an escapist who simply doesn't like authority, with little trust to people and quick to judge. But it is not for me to say so; it's your job to judge me as I other people. Be honest, we live in a judgmental world.

Anyway, my friends (with each to their own reasons) and I then went to the same intersection that leads to the desire to pursue higher education. Why education? I don't know. My reasons include the confusion of what I really am doing with my life. I feel incapable, lost, stuck, unfulfilled, dissatisfied, and generally unhappy. I noticed, of course, that this is not only my problem. Some people try to provide reasons. I agree to some of them: the conviction that I can do better--I can be at a better place, I am destined to be great, not just another employee in another company--more often than not, backfires. It becomes a burden.

20s is the age of deadlines. Perhaps this deadline's extended to our 30s, but sooner or later it will end. Name it. Marriage, family, education, career... most people want theirs to settle before 30, 35.  In our quarter-life, that leaves us with only 5-10 years. Meanwhile, there are lots of things we want to pursue and those things are no longer the small stuff like the highest grade in class or the books we want to buy. We want a partner in love, not just husband or wife. We want the romance as well as the punctuality. We want a family before we're too old to do anything. We want to learn, to study, to travel, and to know the world. We were told that we can. We want to keep concerning ourselves with issues in life, be it social or humanities or scientific. We want to become a part of the world; we want to contribute. We want to climb our stairs career-wise. We have big dreams, but it all takes time.

I want to study culture and gender and feminism and theology and Islam and media and film and advertising and journalism and creative writing and literature, but I can't study them all. I have to have one focus to pursue. Would I rather pursue practical skills that can be put to work, or pursue what I am passionate about? In a rare case, someone can be so lucky so as to find a string connecting the two. If I pursue the practical skills, will I be happy once I get them to work? If I pursue my passion, will it provide for my life? Would I rather be idealistic or realistic? Can't I be both?

When I finally decided I want to pursue higher education first (because I haven't found the perfect workplace and I haven't had anyone with me to marry), I was faced with yet another set of options. Such was described in previous paragraphs. I made up my mind, or I thought I did, to study Creative Industries. The path is clear. I'm working in media industries as a translator (which can actually lead to two directions: media and/or translation) and I am interested in the relationship between media and culture. Creative Industries major has answers for them. However, it asks me: what will I focus on? I can't just study for the sake of studying. I don't have the answer yet.

I put misery to my life by overthinking it, as usual, and it confuses me too much. I'm not used to not having answers. I am a good student. I'm sure I can follow the classes diligently and successfully, but I'm not used to having to find my own question and answer. What will I do in life? What will I contribute to Indonesia, to the school, to my community? What will I give in return of the money the scholarship will invest on me? Giving answers would be easy; following up and be sincere wouldn't. I can't just say I want this to give me back my self-esteem and satisfy my thirst for knowledge (which will be an honest thing to say).

Anyway, in the midst of confusion, an offer came that almost immediately pull me and my life that way. There's this girl, who is a friend of a friend of mine, who used to test me for novel translation. I contacted her after I decided to quit my current job. Surprisingly, she offers me another novel translation project and even proposes that I become her proofreader next month. Being a proofreader/editor/translator has always been more interesting to me than I want to admit. It seems a simple task, but I truly enjoy it. It is practical, too, so I won't have to worry about not having a job. It is a concrete and sought after job. Without a second thought, I accepted her proposal. It could be a fulfilling freelance job while I complete my requirements for the scholarship. Killing two birds with one stone.

As if it is not enough a joy to hear, she read my CV and saw that I have published a fiction teen literature. She told me she's an editor at a well-known publishing company and encouraged me to send her my novel drafts, if any. She said she would love to edit and revise it if it's deemed worthy of publishing.

Oh, God, mercy!

It's a dream I have gradually forgotten. Buried in my deepest, silent heart. And my heart is never not noisy. I never thought it would come again like a new wounded flesh. So real and so close and so painful--it reminds me that it is still alive and burning.

Therefore, it is natural that I am drawn to the force of this dream. But while my heart is fluttering at the thought of picking up where I left it off, my conscience tugs at me and says, "What about all the plans you have in mind?" What about all the practical skills I have planned to learn? What about the issues and purposes you have prepared to be the key weapons in the scholarship essays and interviews? What about all the plans you have in mind?

I was never one to just abandon my heart, and all these times, things went great if I follow my heart. Moreover, the older I get, the rarer my heart tells me something. I cannot just refuse to hear what it is telling me now. It is fluttering when it hears the news, for God's sake! This is definitely not something I can just walk past by.

What scares me is that it almost immediately made me think I don't need this media and practical skills. I don't need to pretend I'm interested in cultural policy so much that I want to work in that field (because truly, I am interested in studying and learning all about it, but the prospect of working in that field does not appeal to me, like, at all). I am not ambitious to pursue a career in media.

But how much can I profit from writing fictions? If I'm J.K. Rowling, it would probably be enough for life.

I can always translate things. It is so tempting to just take a class and get certification for translation. I can edit books and papers. And then I'll get back to writing stories. I can probably get some published. I can always be an interpreter if I grow tired of seeing papers and documents. I can just take another class of interpretation. Or I can pursue a major in translation, although I still don't think it should happen anytime soon. Or probably I can take a major in literature. You know, studying world literature to see how other countries represent their culture in the books and all the pieces of writings. I can find some ways to represent Indonesia to the eyes of the world. I don't want to be a lecturer... but probably it's for the best? Or I can just be a researcher in Indonesian literature?

You see, I set my heart to writing and publishing and I want to try my best to make something out of it. I know I will, eventually. But it takes time to really break it down and find the concrete answers and then explain it to my parents, because I know they expect the best from me. And they think I'm not destined to be just another somebody. At least, my father does. He sees me as a minister of everything wonderful and foreign and influential. He sees me as a boss of a start-up, promising company. He sees me as a manager from a well-known corporate. He sees me as someone I think I can, but I'm not sure if I want to, become.

Oh, he'll accept my explanation, for sure, but it is scary to see the slight disappointment in his eyes if I seem to be unsure of my future, or if that future is something he does not understand. Still, in this quarter-life, I have to admit I don't know many things. I don't know if this is the right way or that is the correct path instead, or if my life will be prosperous in the future. I'm not good at planning. I don't know the answer to everything, and everything might not go according to plan. And sometimes I don't even know what I want.

It's a lie when they say teenage period is the period of confusion. 

"Words are powerful," he said. "Enough. But if the right person say them..."

The saying is embedded in her thoughts. She doesn't remember who said it; in what occasion. She doesn't know why she can remember it was a 'he'. She is now a grown sorceress--a powerful one. From the farthest Northern icy landscape to the deepest Southern wilderness know who she is. Smiles greet her whenever she encounters strangers. Thank goodness, smile is a universal courtesy. She smiles back, not having to mention any name. It's not that she doesn't want to; it's that she doesn't know the names. 

"Good day, My Lady. Do you remember my son, Tareq?" asked some guy in bar.

"Good day, My Lady. How was the pineapple buttercake I gave you?" asked some woman in some street.

Truth is, she didn't even know how she got to the places. She lost her memory.

Menanggapi LGBT

Boleh, ya, saya sekali-sekali sok-sok cerdas bicara tentang isu yang sedang marak di dunia ini. Tentu saja, ini sebenarnya masalah dunia pertama. Dunia yang isunya berupa isu kemanusiaan. Dunia yang tidak lagi dipermasalahkan lapar dan kemiskinan dan perang dengan negara tetangga... atau bahkan dengan sesama saudara. Ah, tetapi tidak apa. Toh isu ini sekarang sudah menjadi masalah pula bagi masyarakat Indonesia. Khususnya, dengan semakin vokalnya kaum-kaum terpelajar menyuarakan soal toleransi terhadap kaum LGBT. Apalagi, ada SGRC UI.

Saya pertama kali mendengar tentang SGRC UI dari teman saya di grup. "Di UI lagi rame bahas support buat LGBT, tuh," katanya. Lalu, teman-teman lain turut berpartisipasi dalam percakapan itu dengan memberikan gambar-gambar pamflet dan bukan pamflet yang kurang-lebih menggambarkan apa itu SGRC. Intinya, itu adalah kelompok yang mempelajari seksualitas dan membuka konsultasi/dukungan bagi yang membutuhkan. Beberapa orang di pamflet itu digambarkan sebagai bagian dari kelompok LGBT. Ada yang gay, panseksual... pokoknya segala kelompok LGBT. Oh, iya, bagi yang tidak tahu, LGBT bukan serta-merta gay saja. Banyak kelompok seksualitas lainnya.

SGRC UI kontroversial karena dua hal:

1. Mengangkat isu yang sensitif bagi masyarakat Indonesia.
2. Mencatut nama UI.

Untuk masalah kedua, UI segera mengeluarkan press release yang menyatakan bahwa SGRC tidak meminta izin aktivitas pada UI, dan karenanya tidak berhak mencatut nama UI. Dengan adanya press release itu, orang tahu bahwa SGRC bukan bagian dari UI.

Bagi saya dan teman teman, yang sudah belajar ilmu kemanusiaan dan cenderung terbuka/toleran terhadap LGBT, masalah sudah selesai. Kami tahu Indonesia belum siap, atau mungkin tidak akan siap, menerima LGBT sebagai hal lumrah. Tentu saja, penerimaan dan kesiapan toleransi terhadap LGBT bukan berarti lebih bagus atau lebih baik. Hanya memang karakter Indonesia yang erat dengan agama (apalagi sila pertamanya menganut Ketuhanan yang Maha Esa), tidak memungkinkannya menerima LGBT. Kami sebagai warga Indonesia yang beragama, tentu punya larangan tersendiri mengenai cinta sesama jenis (dan cinta sesama jenis adalah bentuk LGBT yang paling marak terdengar).

Namun, penerimaan dan kesiapan toleransi terhadap LGBT juga bukan berarti lebih buruk. Saya belajar tentang rasisme dan feminisme. Keduanya dimulai dari kecenderungan menuju homogenitas (saya pernah membahas ini dalam post tahun lalu). Kulit putih tidak menyukai kulit hitam karena mereka berbeda; dianggap lebih barbar, dianggap bukan manusia yang setara. Begitu pula dengan perempuan. Laki-laki beranggapan perempuan bukan manusia yang punya hak suara sebesar mereka. Karena alasan itulah, kulit hitam dan perempuan sempat dilarang memiliki hak yang sama dengan kaum satunya.

Bagi saya, kaum LGBT sekarang juga menerima perlakuan yang sama dengan perempuan dan kulit hitam. Mereka minoritas, maka diperlakukan berbeda. Kadang, saya melihat ini tidak ada bedanya dengan masalah kaum-kaum minoritas sebelumnya. Oleh karena itu, saya mengerti pentingnya toleransi dalam hal ini.

Toleransi saya, sejauh ini, berupa pengabaian. Jika saya tahu ada orang yang gay, atau ada orang transgender, saya tidak terlalu ambil pusing. Itu hidup mereka, bukan hidup saya. Siapa saya untuk menghakimi mereka? Bukan saya yang nanti akan menghisab amal mereka. Saya bukan Tuhan. Pemikiran saya ini akhirnya menunjukkan pola pikir saya yang beragama lebih ke sifat spiritualnya--hubungannya dengan Tuhan. Dalam sebagian dunia saya, orang-orang seumuran saya (20-an tahun) yang saya kenal, saya rasa kurang-lebih sama. Agama menjadi urusan pribadi yang tidak bisa dihakimi, tidak juga bisa menghakimi. Masing-masing saja.

Namun, ada juga sebagian dunia saya yang lain, dunia dengan orang tua saya dan sebagian orang-orang lain, yang tidak bisa saya abaikan. Pada bagian ini, aspek ritual agama-lah yang ditonjolkan. Katanya, jika saya biarkan LGBT, yang menurut agama merupakan penyimpangan sesat, artinya saya sama saja dengan kaum LGBT. Sama berdosanya, sama sesatnya, sama menyimpangnya. Semasa saya belajar ilmu kemanusiaan, saya sering berdebat soal ini pada ayah saya. Jadilah saya anak durhaka. Anak menyimpang. Dulu saya merasa ayah saya bodoh karena tidak mengerti. Melihat dunia terlalu hitam-putih. Apalagi jika bicara soal kebenaran.

Seiring pertambahan usia, saya mulai melihat dari kacamata ayah saya. Bahwa agama bukan sesuatu yang bisa dilepas begitu saja dari kehidupan. Saat kemarin teman saya cerita bahwa dia bertuhan, bukan beragama... saya membatin, saya pernah seperti itu. KTP saya bilang saya Islam, tapi sesungguhnya saya bertuhan. Bukan beragama. Hubungan saya dengan Tuhan adalah hubungan spiritual, bukan ritual. Tapi saya kemudian berkaca: jika saya Muslimah, saya tidak bisa hanya bertuhan. Saya harus beragama, dan beragama berarti mengadopsi juga aturan-aturannya.

Kembali ke soal LGBT. Jika begini jadinya, habislah saya dalam dilema saat menanggapi LGBT. Saya yang satu bisa menanggapinya dari sisi kemanusiaan (di mana saya melihat ketiadaan toleransi terhadap kaum LGBT adalah bentuk masalah kecenderungan homogenitas umat manusia), saya yang satu bisa pula menanggapinya dari sisi agama (paling tidak, sebaiknya mengingatkan bahwa itu dianggap menyimpang).

Belum ada solusi mengenai bagaimana menjembatani isu LGBT dengan eratnya agama di Indonesia. Mungkin akan ada, tapi saya tidak mau terlalu optimis. Saya yakin, bukan hanya saya yang menemukan masalah ini menimbulkan dilema. Kami warga Indonesia sedang belajar menemukan jalan--kami sedang bertanya-tanya tentang kemanusiaan dan tentang agama. Semoga tidak perlu ada pertentangan ekstrem jika kedua sisi itu tidak lagi bisa berkompromi.

Menjadi Perempuan (1): Sopir

Saya mau curhat sedikit.

Saya ini perempuan single (oke, jomblo) berusia awal 20-an tahun, berasal dari keluarga Islam (terlepas dari itu, berjilbab), dan bekerja di sebuah kantor media yang memberlakukan pergantian shift (yang artinya, saya kadang harus bekerja dari pukul 6 sore hingga pukul 2 pagi). Keadaan saya yang seperti ini membuat perasaan saya sering tidak menentu, baik soal omongan orang maupun hal-hal yang terjadi.

Permasalahan diawali dengan shift malam (tentu saja, mungkin sebagian dari kalian akan bisa langsung menebak itu masalahnya). Ayah saya tidak pernah setuju pekerjaan saya ada shift malam. Dulu, beliau pernah setuju karena ada sopir yang mengantar ke rumah. Lalu, dengan segera beliau mengubah pikirannya. Katanya, saya perempuan. Tidak baik pulang malam. Beliau tidak menjelaskan apa kekhawatirannya, tapi kurang-lebih saya bisa paham. Bukan karena apa-apa melainkan karena "tidak baik perempuan pulang larut malam" adalah omongan biasa di antara orang Indonesia. Banyak hal bisa terjadi. Saya bisa mendadak diserang orang lalu diperkosa. Pemerkosaan bukan hal asing di belahan dunia mana pun. Termasuk Indonesia. Saat larut malam, jalanan tidak ramai. Tidak ada yang bisa menolong. Saya paham.

Tapi saya sudah kepalang tanda tangan kontrak, dengan didukung oleh persetujuan beliau. Awalnya, saya pun tidak melihat adanya bahaya. Banyak perempuan yang juga pulang malam bersama saya. Ke daerah rumah sejauh saya. Para sopir baik-baik saja, malah bersahabat. Saya lihat, teman searah saya sering mengobrol dengan mereka, maka saya juga ikut begitu. Dalam pikiran saya, toh saya yang butuh jasa mereka. Saya tidak boleh memperlakukan mereka dengan bossy. Lagi pula, saya diantar pulang larut malam. Kalau sikap saya ada yang salah, pastilah bisa mendorong terjadinya hal-hal yang berbahaya (pemerkosaan, pelecehan seksual, penculikan--dunia ini adalah tempat berbahaya). Karena obrolan ringan di antara kami, saya mulai merasa aman. Sopir-sopir itu seusia dengan kami. 20-30-an tahun. Candaan mereka hampir sama dengan kami.

Saya tidak akan berlagak jadi perempuan polos yang tidak awas terhadap kondisi sekitar. Saya tahu saat mulai ada omongan-omongan di antara para sopir. Saya sadar sejak mereka mulai memperlakukan saya sebagai perempuan cantik yang jadi idaman laki-laki. Saya sadar sejak mereka menyukai saya. Saya jelaskan seperti ini, bukan karena saya merasa saya perempuan idaman laki-laki, melainkan karena saya tahu gelagat mereka menunjukkan anggapan mereka yang seperti itu. Saya tidak memaksudkan ini (dan tidak merasa ini) flattering. Jauh. Justru saya merasa terganggu. Jangankan saya; perempuan-perempuan yang benar-benar cantik saja mungkin akan terganggu.

Pada awalnya, saya tidak merasa ada masalah saat ucapan-ucapan itu hanya berupa ucapan kolektif. Saya pikir mereka begitu pada setiap penumpang baru, atau mereka hanya iseng. Tapi kemudian, salah satu dari mereka mulai menunjukkan gelagat yang berbeda. Sebutlah Sopir A. Saya perhatikan, memang Sopir A agak berbeda dari yang lain. Lebih vokal. Lebih seradak-seruduk. Lebih berani. Saya tahu dia bekerja sambil kuliah.

Sejak sebulan yang lalu, Sopir A mulai sering mengantar saya pulang. Jika bukan gilirannya, dia akan ikut menemani si sopir yang bertugas. Sikapnya semakin kentara. Bicaranya manis kepada saya, tidak kepada teman saya. Dia juga sering menyebut-nyebut soal saya ke sopir lain. "Tolong jaga Melati," konon katanya, karena ada sopir yang akhirnya bilang "Oh, ini Melati yang itu?". Lalu, seorang teman berkata, "Nggak apa-apa, Mel. Bagus jadi ada yang jagain." Seolah 'dijaga' adalah hal bagus (itu, omong-omong, bertentangan dengan pikiran saya yang cenderung ingin bertanya balik, "Memangnya perempuan harus dijaga? Hidupnya bergantung pada dijaga?"). 

'Dijaga'.

Sesuatu yang dijaga, konotasinya adalah benda rapuh. Benda berharga, tapi rapuh. Dijaga, konotasinya adalah properti. Saya bukan properti dia, saya juga tidak rapuh. Tapi saya perempuan. Bagaimanapun saya merasa tidak rapuh, ada dinding bernama 'kekuatan fisik' yang tidak bisa saya panjat. Di sebelahnya, ada dinding bernama 'masyarakat' dan 'paradigma' yang juga tidak bisa saya panjat. Sudah dari segi fisik saya jelas tidak akan sekuat laki-laki, masyarakat dan paradigma akan menyalahkan saya jika terjadi apa-apa. Salah saya karena mau ambil shift malam. Salah saya karena menanggapi si sopir mengobrol. Lalu, jika saya abaikan dia dan membuatnya (amit-amit) marah serta nekat, salah saya karena tidak ramah. Meskipun begitu, saya tetap bukan properti dia. Dia tidak perlu menjaga saya. Mungkin saya justru harus dijaga dari dia. Ah, saya melantur. Intinya, saya tidak suka dia bilang pada orang untuk menjaga saya seolah saya adalah properti dia yang rapuh. Ada batas privasi dan kebebasan yang, bagi saya, terlanggar begitu dia mengatakan begitu.

Anyway.

Keadaan mulai memuncak saat dia sendirian mengantar saya ke rumah. Dia bercerita tentang hidupnya. Saya dengarkan dan tanggapi karena pada dasarnya saya suka mengobrol. Mungkin saya yang salah. Saya selalu yang terakhir diantar karena rumah saya jauh. Dari rumah sebelum saya hingga ke rumah saya, dia mengemudi dengan sangat pelan. Saya tahu sangat pelan dan tidak wajar, karena dia biasa mengebut dari Kelapa Gading ke penumpang sebelum saya. Saya diamkan. Mungkin saya yang salah. Saya tidak tahu bagaimana menghadapi situasi seperti itu. Itu yang pertama kalinya. Dia cerita, saya dengarkan. Saat saya mulai merasa sangat tidak nyaman, jarak ke rumah saya sudah dekat. Saya merasa tidak perlu memburu-buru. Saya takut dianggap berlebihan. Mungkin saya yang salah.

Saat itu, dia bilang mau mampir ke rumah saya hari Minggu lalu. Untuk meminta tanda tangan saya di surat lembur, karena dia lupa membawanya minggu lalu. Kalau saya tidak tanda tangan, dia tidak dapat lembur. Saya bilang saya tidak pernah ada di rumah saat hari Minggu. 

Dia pernah meminta nomor telepon saya untuk keperluan surat lembur itu. Saya berikan karena awalnya, hanya untuk janjian di kantor. Tidak apa-apa. Tapi, soal ke rumah di luar jam kerja adalah langkah yang terlalu jauh. Saya tidak suka. 

Puncaknya, minggu lalu. Hampir setiap hari selama seminggu, dia ikut mengantar saya pulang bersama dua orang temannya. Itu saja sudah membuat saya merasa tidak nyaman. Buat apa ada sopir sampai tiga orang? Dan malam itu, saya ketiduran di mobil. Tentu saya tidur hanya saat masih ada teman sebelum saya. Begitu dia pulang, saya terus terjaga.

Sopir B bertanya, "Mel, kok diem aja?" Saya jawab, "Ngantuk." Sopir A mulai bertanya kapan biasanya saya terbangun. Kapan saya tidur. Apakah saya langsung tidur sesampainya di rumah. (Saya lupa bilang, sopir A suka banyak bertanya tentang transportasi yang saya naiki sebelum berangkat, pukul berapa saya berangkat). Saya bilang "Saya tidak suka shift malam." Maksudnya, karena saya tidak suka diantar malam-malam oleh sopir. 

Siang harinya di rumah, saya terbangun mendapati SMS darinya yang bilang "Happy weekend ya Mel. Maaf aku nggak enak tadi kamu sampai ketiduran gitu. Semoga kamu cepat dapat kerjaan yang lebih baik." 

Bagi saya itu pelanggaran batas yang sudah kelewatan. 

Terlepas dari urusan profesi dan jabatan (mengingat dia adalah sopir sementara saya penerjemah, dia kerja lapangan sementara saya kerja di kantor), saya tidak suka dia mencampuradukkan pekerjaan dan urusan pribadi. Apalagi, pekerjaan kami mengharuskan kami ada di mobil saat larut malam (dengan saya satu-satunya perempuan, atau dengan kami hanya berdua). Saya balas SMS-nya, "Santai, Mas. Namanya kerja ada capeknya." Mungkin salah saya. Merasa mendapat angin, dia membalas dengan SMS yang bersifat menggodai. Jelas-jelas flirting, meski diucapkan dengan jenaka. 

Pada dasarnya, saya orang yang defensif terhadap laki-laki yang mendekati saya. Bukan karena saya cantik, karena orang tidak perlu jadi cantik untuk bisa pilih-pilih. Hanya saja, tidak pernah mudah bagi saya untuk membuka diri terhadap orang baru. Saya tidak percaya ada yang benar-benar menyukai saya tanpa maksud macam-macam. Mungkin di antara semuanya, sayalah yang paling tidak menyukai diri saya sendiri. Atau mungkin itu karena setiap saya merasa mulai bisa dekat dengan orang, mereka pergi. Mungkin itu karena ruang privasi saya yang terlalu besar. Didekati, malah menganggap orang melanggar privasi.

Saya yang seperti ini, dihadapkan pada situasi di mana ada orang yang mendekati dengan terang-terangan, dalam posisi ada banyak waktu berdua, dan waktu itu ada di antara pukul 2 - 4 pagi di mana jalanan sudah sepi dan langit gelap dan di dalam mobil. Bukankah sangat wajar jika saya menjadi sangat sensitif? Sebut saya paranoid. Tidak masalah. 

* * *

Hal lain yang menyebalkan (ya, ini memang menyebalkan) adalah begitu saya cerita pada teman saya di kantor (sesama perempuan!) mereka justru menanggapinya sebagai candaan. Saat Sopir A mengindikasikan ada perasaan pada saya, teman saya bilang: "Tuh, Mel. Gimana tuh, ditanya." Saat saya cerita padanya, betapa saya merasa risih, dia bilang "Abis lo jomblo sih, Mel." Seolah jomblo adalah pangkal masalah. Seolah jomblo adalah kesalahan. Seolah jomblo adalah kekurangan. Tapi sejak kapan sih, kehidupan didefinisikan dengan status hubungan asmara? Tidakkah jadi cetek sekali tolak ukurnya? Lalu, kalau jomblo, saya harus permisif dengan ini? Okelah, jika tidak seperti itu. Katakanlah kalau jomblo, saya jadi ada yang melindungi. Ada yang memagari. Lalu, eksistensi saya kembali jadi properti seseorang. Karena bukankah paradigmanya, perempuan memang pada akhirnya jadi properti laki-laki?

Kemudian saya mengadu pada seorang teman di kantor yang selalu berurusan dengan para sopir. Dia punya pacar yang juga sopir dulunya. Dia bilang sebelum ada apa-apa, jangan langsung bilang pada Kepala Bagian. Selama belum ada kontak fisik, belum ada apa-apa namanya. Argumen bodoh. Tentunya dia tidak familiar dengan peribahasa "Sedia payung sebelum hujan". Bagus kalau kontak fisiknya hanya sebatas dicolek (meski membayangkan itu terjadi saja sudah membuat saya mual). Bagaimana jika kontak fisiknya kembali ke yang tadi: perkosaan, penculikan, pelecehan seksual? Apa dia bisa bantu jika itu terjadi? Dia bilang, banyak yang sudah mengeluh. Tolong saya jangan mengeluh lagi. Bisa-bisa para sopir itu kena dimarahi, akhirnya kita juga yang kena imbasnya jika mereka menyetir ugal-ugalan untuk balas dendam. Lagi pula, ini masalah perasaan. Bukan masalah kantor.

* * *

Batin saya berkonflik. Di satu sisi, saya merasa perempuan bisa berdiri sendiri. Saya tahu sekarang feminisme banyak yang menentang catcalling laki-laki, saya tahu feminisme banyak bicara tentang kemandirian perempuan. Tapi saya tidak bisa menutup mata dari kenyataan bahwa dalam situasi seperti ini (pulang larut malam, sendirian di mobil), tidak banyak pilihan bagi perempuan.

Saya ingin bilang bahwa paradigma perempuan yang pulang larut malam itu bukan perempuan baik-baik, perempuan yang pulang larut malam itu mengundang bahaya pada dirinya sendiri, sebagai paradigma yang salah. Saya ingin bilang perempuan berhak merasa aman. Tapi saya harus mengakui itu semua teori. Itu semua bentuk utopia. Sayangnya, manusia tidak terbentuk dari teori. Laki-laki akan tetap memiliki lebih banyak keuntungan jika berada dalam situasi ini, karena fisik yang lebih kuat dan jaminan dari paradigma sosial bahwa jika sesuatu yang buruk terjadi, itu semua salah perempuan. 

Dari kacamata paradigma ini, jika ada sesuatu yang buruk terjadi, mungkin salah saya karena saya mau shift malam. Dari awal, saya yang salah.

Thoughts in this particular hour before midnight

I cannot put my thoughts into proper sentences, and I had to rewrite this over and over again in my head. It's just... considering my background as a born Muslim and a humanities studies undergrad, I'm sometimes torn apart between looking at matters through Muslim's eyes or humanities'.

For example, about LGBT... I know how important it is to be free to make your own choices. I know how the coming out of the LGBT community marks an important era of the rise of a minority group. As a woman who studied American history, I see this as a good-meaningful moment because I know how women were considered the second sex once; we were seen as the lower class. We were the minority. And the moment women were started to be treated almost equally, and we got to demand our rights... it changed everything for us. Now, women are more respected. I see the same thing with racism. When black people are finally considered as human beings, as the same with the whites, it was a great thing. As a human, I can't help but see this coming out of LGBT community as the same great thing.

However, as a born Muslim, I am afraid even thinking this way means glorifying sins. 

That's why I'm torn.