What is happening!?

I cannot stay silent about the fear and condemnation of women's bodies in media around here. From Ke$ha's denied plea to be released of her contract, to Indonesia's extreme censorship on TV... there are too many unhappy things about women's place in the world.

Gender issues (right, because this is not exclusively about feminism; this is also about the recent popularity of LGBTQ) are surfacing in this world. Last year, America has ruled same-sex marriage as legal. For a so-called free country, I should say, it is not something that raises questions (or eyebrows). It doesn't change their foundation, which is--should it be underlined--"freedom for all." However, it doesn't take a freakishly intelligent person to tell that the move will change the whole world. Or at least Indonesia.

For all my life, and I'm in my early 20s, I have always known America as the Capital of the World. It is the center of film industry, of technology, of politics, of fashion... and as of late, of its attention on humanity issues. FYI, this humanity issues include attention on same-sex relationship. It was not the first country to legalize same-sex marriage, but it was America. Sooner or later, it will change something. The perspectives. The paradigm. The courage to change and speak up.

It just has to be that in Indonesia, it happened sooner rather than later, because earlier this year, there emerged, from a national university, a study group that supposedly discuss about LGBTQ and how to be a part of LGBTQ and deal with both themselves and the society within which they live.  Of course, the university was quick in disclaiming the group, saying that it had never asked for their permission in using the uni's name--and, in the process, severing any relationship between them. The university cannot be held responsible for the radical event.

What, radical, you say? Yes. So, you see, Indonesia is not the U.S. Its legal foundation is the faith to the one and only God. Plus, the majority of the population is Muslims. Same-sex relationship is haraam in Islam. I am a born Muslim. Believe me, I know. It's true. But I'm here neither to persuade you readers (if there's any) to go against LGBTQ, nor am I here to ask you to challenge my own religion. No.

I am here simply because I am enraged of what is happening.

The "coming out" of aforementioned sexuality study group (which, tbh, I am totally interested to join, since, in case you're not paying attention, it provides space to study sexuality; NOT, as what some people strongly believe, promoting LGBTQ--come on, people, be open-minded!) was thought to be an insignificant, seemingly fleeting problem. Especially, since the related uni has publicly disclaimed it.

Unfortunately, some people just cannot let go (and I cannot blame them, truly) because they are concerned with the well-being of their children in the future. To put it simply, this is considered as a rotten image of today's generation (if not another sign of how doomsday is near), and now is a rotten era.

Dicussions were held, both among peers and on TV. I watched it, once. I saw a journalist around my age, a woman, a hijabi, speaking out about freedom--and pretty much what people who have studied humanities would say. Needless to say, I agreed with her. Man, she wasn't even trying to convince anyone. She simply stated her opinion... and she received a counterattack in the form of a raised, emotional, provocative voice (at least that's how it sounded to my ears) by people who doubtfully know anything about humanities at all.

It is, however, saddening to bear the fact that the majority of this country are the ones with that difference. This position of power makes differences more than simply what they are. What began as different stands on LGBTQ ends up as a set of boundaries separating the characteristics of men and women. If I hadn't known better, they seem like a frightened little children who hate something alien to them; little children who fear and avoid what they don't understand. Or are they, really?

Anyway, the boundaries of men and women spell stereotype. And here is where it is connected to feminism, simply because its movements are the ones that soundly fight for gender equality. With the stereotypes coming back, women's objectification comes along. And with that, the second sex situation all over again. TV shows are imposed with drastic censorship, to the point where the slightest bit of skin showing is decorated with mozaics even in cartoon movies. Then also, what blew everyone's mind, the skin of our beauty queens on their beauty contest, while wearing our traditional kebaya. Then, Indonesian Broadcasting Commission publicly published prohibitions to TV stations from displaying males dressed, act, and speak in females manner. Then a mosque for "waria" (men crossdressing as women) was forced to close. It is as if GENDER STEREOTYPES are stressed in almost every aspect in media because we fear we will forget them, and we will turn into LGBTQ once we forget.

Look, I know this piece of writing is not organized and not very comprehensive. You might not even understand what I'm writing. So here's the point of me ranting on and on and wasting your precious minutes: I am enraged (yep, highlighting my feeling) that some people are so tangled in this gender issue without even knowing what gender issue really is. They got a glimpse of the world beyond them, they were not ready... and they pass judgment while looking at that world through their tinted eyeglasses. Again, I'm not asking you to challenge my own religion (this is because Islam is the only religion I mentioned which actually forbids same-sex relationship, while actually it is also forbidden in other Abrahamic religions); I'm just asking you, readers, to learn a bit about humanity without filtering it with any values you may have hold before. You can change your mind after learning it, you can stay with your own perspectives. . . but you can at least learn before you freaked out and condemning I'm, and people like me, kafir.

I am not a part of LGBTQ because I, a woman, like men. It does not mean I am normal and they aren't. It simply means we are different. I am not suggesting to promote or to empower the groups supporting LGBTQ. It does not mean I would ban and/or condescend them. I just let them be. I would not alter the world to suit my values. And regarding the extreme censorship. . . well, I must say it is stupid. I watched the same movies when I was younger, the same movies they now censor but then didn't, and I didn't have any weird thoughts. Truly, censoring it only makes people wonder what's behind those disturbing small boxes that give people the wrong idea of what's really going on. For this, I have something to say: "the pot calling the kettle black." Censoring everything means those people are assuming other people see what they see, which means they are probably the most perverted ones in the whole country.

Learning from "Life a Pi"

I'm still reading Yann Martel's Life of Pi since months ago, not because I find it boring, but because I can't find the right time to snuggle up and absorb every word of it (and because reading it on my phone brings me headache). Now that I have the book, I'm rereading it from the beginning.

I think at least I have gone through the first chapters of Life of Pi three times and it still fascinates me. Earlier today, an acquaintance told me that this book is a weird book, and I just laughed but I didn't quite understand why. As an over-analyzing person, I reflected on what makes the book appealing to me. Then it occurred to me that the first chapters are about religion and its spirituality. My acquaintance, as far as I know, is not a spiritual person. At least, not that I know of. That's probably why she finds it weird. 

However, if you've read my previous posts, you know how I am attracted to religious stuff more than I'm willing to admit to anyone outside my college circle of friends (of course, because it's them with whom I talk about this subject the most). 

Anyway, I re-encountered my favorite quote today

I find the quote strongly affects me. It does not only say that the essence - or the "soul" - of every religion (at least the three that are mentioned here) is basically the same, but also that we need to see through the differences in rites and practices. If everyone sees this like Martel, wouldn't life be more peaceful?

Saying that Martel was trying to suggest religious toleration using this quote might diminish the true meaning he had in mind while writing the story (because I think it's deeper than toleration; it's about seeing religion apart from its layer of practice and rites, but then again, Oscar Wilde told us that art mirrors its spectator, which in this case, is me).

Anyway, I really like the depiction of Pi. Similar to what I went through with Bodhi in Supernova: Akar (2002), I can really relate myself to Pi's journey of finding God. This book liberated me from my incapability and limitation to experience and to choose because it illustrated that liberty enough as Pi bathed in the clarity of the three religions. 

I am at a loss for words, so I can only say that the world needs more inspiring books like this.

Some thoughts on "IMPULSE FOR THE HOMOGENOUS"

Last week I googled collective sadism for my writing project and found this:

The Hatred of Nations

Basically it is about how the "impulse for the homogenous", or the tendency toward homogeneity, drives nations to hatred toward other nations (but do read the article and correct me if I got it wrong). 

I read the article and it was not about the hatred of nations that I understood; instead, it was about how the impulse for the homogenous is probably the core of almost all major problems we face today (and older days).

Name it. Racism, gender inequality, religions intolerance... these are only some of the problems I am sure we are all familiar with. Racism is strongly related to America, be it back in the days or today in its post-racial issues, but it also happened in Indonesia with the alienated Chinese people. Gender inequality, on the other hand, is an issue that is still hotly debated. People have long started to realize the importance of gender equality - proven with the ever-growing feminism - but then there's its counterstrike: meninism. I don't know if the phenomenon is a match for years of feminism growth, but it could be the beginning. Then there's religions intolerance, my favorite subject, which is the most visible major problem in Indonesia. It is tragic really, considering Indonesia was once regarded as a diverse and tolerant country. 

After reading the first article (The Hatred of Nations), I rethought my understanding about these problems and realize that it is likely that they were caused by the same impulse for the homogenous. For racism, it is clear that white people strongly disliked the different skin color. Actually, it wasn't dislike they started with. It started with the thought that the color difference meant different place on Earth, creating some sort of caste system, because there was the arrogance of white supremacy. In Indonesia, on the other hand, the racism against Chinese people wasn't originated from the color difference. It had something to do with political issues and communism, but in the end everything associated with Chinese characteristics (which means including their looks) decided the treatment they received.

Gender inequality was clearly caused by the tendency toward homogeneity because there are judgments toward women: that women are incapable, weak, the second sex. These judgments were made by the other sex, which is obviously male, and since then created an image of what women are. But before we discuss this issue deeper, let's not confuse gender and sex. Putting it simply, sex is male and female (the biological difference; between the one with penis and the one with vagina), and gender is man and woman (the stereotype of male and female's characteristics, that is the masculinity and the femininity). There are people who overgeneralized and associate gender with sex, saying a female must be feminine and a male must be masculine when it actually doesn't always have to be that way. Anyway, the decision that women are the second sex were made by men who thought that their sex was better. Come to think of it, did they really think that being physically stronger and thinking more logically make them the better sex? I don't think of myself as a feminist, but surely I oppose this idea. Back to the topic, I'm just saying that the very own thought that men can judge and put women in their 'place' was probably caused by the very impulse for the homogenous itself. It's basically drawing a bold line between men and women.

And finally we get to the last one: religions intolerance. This, I will based on my conversation with my friend earlier. This is an issue that has long been heard in the world, but only recently did I take notice of it. I think it started in 2012 or so for me. As far as I see, there is no firm ground for religions toleration in Indonesia. Religion has been a sensitive issue for years because it is related to our beliefs. For me, I don't see why people make it a problem because one's belief is related to one's inner self. There is no judge there, there is no standard there, there is no evaluation there. The proof that one has believed correctly is a matter in God's hand and no one but oneself would be there on the Judgment Day (or the Underworld, or the reincarnation circle, or whatever people believe in). Having faith in a religion is like taking an exam for a lifetime. The score comes out in our death. Religion is that simple for me.

Don't fuss and be a prick who preaches right and wrong because you just fucking don't know, but alas, not everyone shares my value. This is so related to that very impulse for the homogenous because some people think their religion is the correct one and thus, any difference is wrong. God, I don't know how many times I should highlight that truth is subjective. People just can't see, can they? This impulse is okay if they just keep it to themselves, yet they have to act on it. They have to exterminate those who are different. If something does not go along with their religious moral compass, they just have to fix it. They do not see that not everyone's moral compasses head the same way. Obviously, this creates a never-ending conflict in Indonesia, especially because some of the majority of Indonesian population are freak fanatics who think they're better than everyone else. Please, like they already have the guarantee of being sent to Heaven. 

Anyway, my point is that the impulse for the homogenous is a scary thing, but it is also a very humane characteristic. I mean, to create these major conflicts, it must be a viral thing. This impulse is not only felt by one or two people; it influences a group of people. No wonder it appears in my Google search for collective sadism. 

* * *

P.S. I just remembered that the Hitler case was also caused by a clear and strong impulse for the homogenous. Really, humans are scary. Even myself scares me.

Faith in Humanity: Restored!

1) I have realized for quite some time that I didn't trust human in general. I didn't trust their kindness; I trusted their hidden agenda. I didn't trust people acting purely out of good will and generally I didn't think kindhearted people exist. I trusted that people are originally suspicious, selfish creatures. 

 2) It is kinda hard to live as a Muslim in the midst of all prejudices against us. The social experiment below was conducted to combat Islamophobia in the West, but I think it is applicable to the situation here in Indonesia where Muslims are prejudiced as being superficial, violent, aggressive, judgmental and negatively dominant (which, sadly, are sometimes proven true by some idiotic actions conducted by idiotic agents).

Social Experiment to Combat Islamophobia

Click the link! This experiment encouraged me to believe that kindness do exist. Humans still care about other humans. Humans are still willing to go some distance and break some wall and hug a stranger to show they trust him. Humans are still willing to offer their trust to those who prejudiced them - and that's my homework.

Ken, Irina dan Agama

Terkadang Ken merasa Irina ateis, dan pikiran itu membuatnya takut. Mereka tumbuh bersama dan meski telah banyak perbedaan yang menjauhkan mereka dari satu sama lain, Ken tetap takut membayangkan Irina tidak bertuhan.

Tidak, tidak tidak bertuhan, menurut Irina. Tetap bertuhan, tapi entah kenapa tidak beragama. Dan Ken takut. Dia pernah bertanya apakah Irina percaya dengan surga dan neraka. Irina tidak tahu. Irina ingin percaya, tapi Irina lebih percaya dengan hubungan spiritualnya dengan Tuhan. Teleponnya dengan Tuhan.

Ken pernah bertanya apakah Irina yakin Tuhan yang mereka sembah adalah satu-satunya Tuhan semesta, dan agama mereka adalah agama yang paling benar. Irina berkata kebenaran itu subjektif. Penganut agama manapun akan merasa agamanya yang paling benar.

Lihat? Hal-hal seperti itulah yang membuat Ken takut.

Takut Irina sudah terlalu jauh dari agama. Karena Ken sendiri tidak tahu batasan kafir. Ilmu agamanya masih kurang. Tapi Irina selalu percaya, selalu mengimani adanya Sang Pencipta. Hanya saja, keimanan itu tidak dibatasinya pada satu lingkup agama - tidak dibatasinya pada ritual-ritual ibadah.

Islamku (2)

Saya sedih. Sungguh. Bicara tentang Islam di Indonesia, sulit sekali untuk tidak berduka. Sulit sekali untuk tidak bingung.

Bukan kapabilitas saya untuk bicara tentang yang benar dan salah dalam Islam karena sekalipun saya menganutnya dari lahir, saya belum mempelajarinya dengan benar. Referring to my previous post about this, anyone can tell that Islam for me is a given. Karena itu, siapapun yang kebetulan telah lebih baik berkenalan dengan Islam kemudian kebetulan membaca tulisan saya ini bisa jadi akan mengerenyitkan dahi dan mencibir: "Kalau begitu, tidak usah bicara tentang Islam. Tulisan ini tidak akan valid. Tahu apa dia tentang yang dosa dan yang tidak?" Tidak apa, mungkin akan ada yang salah dalam tulisan saya.

Karena itu, saya akan bicara sebagai manusia saja. Sebagai manusia yang kebetulan lahir beragama Islam, dan yang kebetulan tempat lahir serta tumbuhnya di Indonesia. Di sekitaran Jakarta. Tentu saja, sebagai manusia yang penuh subjektivitas, tulisan dan pemikiran saya akan harus dimaklumi. Toh memiliki pemikiran yang berbeda merupakan sifat yang manusiawi, 'kan? Silakan, silakan katakan saya hanya berusahan menjustifikasi. Saya akan kembali pada argumen saya mengenai manusia.

Jadi, kenapa saya sebagai manusia berduka dan bingung saat bicara tentang Islam di Indonesia? Ah, ya, karena saya bernostalgia pada masa saya mengenal Pancasila. Kira-kira saat itu saya masih di sekolah dasar. Satu-satunya sila tentang Tuhan adalah "Berketuhanan yang maha esa." Kemudian, saya bernostalgia tentang masa saya mengenal undang-undang. Oh, ya, ada enam agama yang diakui. Salah satunya, ya, Islam itu. Lalu, karena saat itu saya bersekolah di sekolah Islam, pikiran saya turut bernostalgia tentang saat-saat indah saya belajar menghafal surat pendek. Surat Al-Kafirun. Untukmu agamamu, untukku agamaku. Setelahnya, kenangan saya sepertinya dipercepat, dipercepat, dipercepat hingga yang saya ingat hanya bahwa saya berpegang pada tiga titik kejadian itu.

Kehidupan setelah itu sepertinya baik-baik saja. Karena bersekolah di sekolah menengah negeri, saya berkenalan dengan teman-teman yang menganut agama lain dari saya. Selama itu, tidak pernah sekalipun saya dengar orang tua saya berkomentar pedas, "Jangan berteman dengan orang beragama X, Y, Z, yang bukan Islam." Paling banter saya dilarang menjalin hubungan cinta dengan mereka karena toh pernikahan beda agama diharamkan di Islam. Tidak apa. Sungguh berbeda dari kenangan saya akan guru di sekolah dasar yang sempat berkata, "Jangan mendengarkan lagu barat. Haram! Soalnya mereka orang-orang Nasrani." Orang tua saya tertawa mendengar saya bercerita tentangnya. Jangan dengarkan dia, kata mereka. Tidak ada hubungannya antara lagu barat dan agama. Lagu ya lagu, agama ya agama. Ngomong-ngomong belakangan saya tahu bahwa ada juga kok orang Islam yang berbahasa barat. Ya mau bagaimana lagi? Islam pun asalnya bukan dari Indonesia.

Nah, mungkin sekarang kalian berpikir kenapa saya berputar-putar. Mungkin ada juga di antara kalian yang berpikir: "Argumen tentang lagu barat itu goblok. Ya jangan disamain dong lagu dan masalah kita sekarang!" Oh iya, sebelum kalian bertanya-tanya masalah apa yang sedang saya bahas sampai berduka begini sekarang, lebih baik saya bilang bahwa saya sedang menyinggung permasalahan atribut natal yang kebetulan saat ini lagi jadi topik panas. Padahal, mah, masalah toleransi Islam ada saja sepanjang tahun. Ya, jadi kalian bisa saja berpikir "Meski kami melarang atribut natal, kami tidak akan melarang berteman dengan orang beragama Kristen kok! Agama yang lain juga tidak!"

Begitulah. Sekarang kalian tahu kenapa saya berduka. Kurang jelas? Yah, karena sekarang tidak lagi terlihat bahwa pelarangan atribut natal itu memiliki wacana lain di baliknya. Terkadang kita lupa bahwa Islam pun memiliki hari raya besar. Idul Fitri. Lebaran. Saat itu, hiasan ketupat bergantungan di mana-mana. Lagu-lagu Islami diputar di pusat pertokoan. Tidak masalah. Baju Lebaran bertebaran; diskon, katanya. Pegawai pertokoan berkeliling lengkap dengan baju koko dan baju panjang. Bisa jadi sekarang akan ada yang berpikir, "Oh, ya iya lah! Kan Lebaranan." Ya, memang. Jadi, apa bedanya dong dengan diputarnya lagu natal saat menjelang natal? Hiasan natal dan pohon natal menyambut di lobi pertokoan saat bulan Desember? Pegawai pertokoan dengan topi sinterklas?

"Ya beda, mereka tidak memiliki toleransi terhadap yang beragama lain itu namanya!"

Saat begitu baru, deh, keluar pembicaraan tentang toleransi beragama. Padahal apalah bedanya dengan penganut Islam yang begitu hebohnya mau menandai Lebaran sudah dekat? Nah, kalau berani bicara begitu, akan dibilang anti-Islam. Double standard.

Bukan Islam yang salah, bukan Kristen yang salah. Bukan agamanya. Terkadang, dan saya harap hanya terkadang, penganutnya lupa. Merasa yang paling benar, merasa yang berhak didengar. Dan juga, terlalu fokus pada yang kasat mata. Akibatnya jadi tidak jauh berbeda dari argumen tentang lagu barat. Akhirnya, tidak ada bedanya dengan menyuruh kami-kami yang manusia ini jadi anti terhadap satu sama lain yang berbeda. Kemudian, saya merasa ada tendensi penganut-penganut tertentu lupa bahwa menjadi mayoritas bukan berarti suaranya mutlak. Tentu saja, toh disebut mayoritas karena ada minoritas, 'kan? Yah, namanya manusia perlu diingatkan. Saya yakin siapapun yang telah berkenalan dengan Islam lebih baik daripada saya akan tahu bahwa tidaklah dibenarkan mayoritas menggilas yang minoritas. Memaksa. Membenci. Karena bukankah Islam agama yang penuh kasih sayang?

Sekali lagi, di sini saya bicara sebagai manusia saja. Terlalu riskan kalau bicara atas nama Islam, bahkan hanya dengan membawa-bawa namanya. Karena itu, saya harap pembaca dapat menempatkan diri sebagai manusia juga. Mungkin bisa menjadi manusia yang lebih beragama daripada saya, tetapi tetap manusia. Satu. Subjektif. Mohon jangan dibaca dengan pemikiran kolektif, karena apa yang saya katakan belum tentu benar sifatnya secara kolektif; begitu juga dengan yang kalian pikir. Kembali lagi, kebenaran sifatnya pribadi, kan? "Salah, kebenaran mutlak adalah milik Islam!" Nah, ini kalau diteruskan akan jadi terlalu panjang. Jadi, saya akan berhenti. Sebelumnya, izinkan saya bilang bahwa bagi saya yakin kebenaran mutlak adalah milik Islam - bagi saya. Dapatkah - dan perlukah - saya memaksa teman-teman saya yang berbeda untuk setuju? Tidakkah akan sama jadinya dengan memaksakan bahwa tulisan saya ini benar adanya pada kalian yang menolak percaya?

Islamku

"Oh, Sanders, aku menjadi Buddhis karena terjebak dari lahir. Tidak pernah aku mempertanyakan beda ini dan itu. Kenapa, misalnya, di tempat pemujaanku Buddha Shakyamuni bersanding dengan Dewi Kwan Im dan Khong Hoe Tjoe? Kenapa bukan dengan-- Khong Guan? Ampun, Tristan. Aku ini tidak tahu apa-apa." (Dee, 2002: 150)

Saya tahu. Judul yang saya pilih "Islamku", kenapa kutipannya berbunyi tentang Buddhisme? Ah, tetapi betapa kutipan ini menyuarakan isi hatiku!

Supernova: Akar. Bukan buku baru, tetapi saya adalah pembaca barunya. Sungguh senang saya menemukan perjalanan karakter Bodhi menggemakan dilema yang meresahkan saya. Salah satunya, ya, permasalahan agama ini.

Terlahir sebagai Islam. Menjalankan ritual sehari-hari juga berdasarkan ritual Islam, meski saya tidak bisa bilang ritual-ritual itu dilaksanakan dengan sempurna. Namun, seberapa Islam-kah Islamku? Apakah Islam yang Islami atau sebagai pelengkap kolom agama di KTP? Apa saya Islam karena orang tua saya Islam?

Seberapa tebal iman saya terhadap entitas yang disebut Allah, Nabi Muhammad SAW, Al-Qur'an, dan sisa daftar rukun iman?

Berimankah saya atau hanya sekadar menghafal rukun iman?

Terus seperti itu, hingga akhirnya berujung pada pertanyaan: seperti apa Islamku? Dulu pernah ada masanya saya menikmati Kisah 25 Nabi, meresapi setiap katanya, menganggapnya indah. Entah indahnya apa dan di mana, yang jelas hati saya tenang pada masa itu. Mungkin karena saya masih kecil, tidak banyak berpikir.

Lalu saya tumbuh. Sempat menganggap sholat merepotkan; mengganggu hiburan duniaku. Terlebih lagi, sholat menjadi kewajiban yang tidak ada bedanya dengan sekolah. Tidak ada yang suka hal yang wajib. Orang tua saya bawel menyuruh sholat. Saya juga sempat meninggalkan mengaji karena saya takut dengan ujian hafalan yang kalau gagal hukumannya adalah malu. Rasa malu terlalu berat untuk saya tanggung.

Tetapi kadang saya temukan juga Tuhan kalau hati saya sedang nyambung dengan sholatnya. Kemudian sholat menjadi hal yang sangat pribadi bagi saya. Koneksi telepon saya dengan Tuhan yang kalau ada orang lain tidak akan nyambung. Yang kalau tempatnya salah tidak akan terhubung. Yang kalau bukan karena keinginan sendiri tidaklah afdol. Salahkah? Hal yang sama terjadi dengan mengaji. Salahkah? Tentu salah, kalau berkiblat pada aturan ritual-ritual Islam. Sholat ya ada waktu-waktunya yang sudah ditentukan. Bukan suka-suka sendiri. Mengaji pun makin banyak makin baik. Lebih baik lagi rutin. Tidak apa-apa tidak mengerti artinya, yang penting mengaji saja dulu. Allah akan menghitung pahala kita.

Pahalakah yang saya kejar? Saya tidak tahu. Seperti halnya kehidupan, terkadang orang berpatok pada gaji. Pahala itu gaji ritual-ritual Islami. Tetapi seperti halnya saya menjalani hidup, saya lebih mengejar kepuasan spiritual. Kebahagiaan. Jadi saya lebih mengejar mengerjakan ritual-ritual itu untuk memuaskan batin saya, yang tidak selalu cocok waktunya dengan waktu-waktu yang sudah ditentukan. Salahkah saya? Saya tidak tahu. Mungkin demikian. Saya mungkin telah menuhankan batin saya sendiri.

Atau mungkin Tuhan menuntun saya dengan cara-Nya sendiri. Membisikkan pada saya letak diri-Nya agar dapat saya temui. Siapa yang tahu? Toh saya tidak merasa saya Islam KTP. Meski demikian jarangnya saya sholat dan mengaji, saya tidak merasa saya Islam KTP. Saya imani bahwa Islam dapat membawa saya ke masa-masa indah Kisah 25 Nabi. Ke masa-masa sarat kebaikan hati. Tetapi sekarang ini mungkin caranya untuk saya tidak dengan menggembar-gemborkan keislaman saya. Tidak juga dengan rutinitas ritual.

Karenanya, saya ingin sekali belajar. Berkenalan dengan Islam, dan bukan hanya tentang baik-buruk, pahala-dosa, hitam-putih Islam, melainkan juga tentang habluminallah-nya. Hubungan manusia dengan Allah. Lalu habluminannaas. Hubungan manusia dengan sesama manusia. Sesuatu yang tidak bisa saya dapatkan di Indonesia yang penuh dengan amarah Islam sebagai agama mayoritas.

Saya ingin belajar Islam layaknya seorang mualaf. Atau mungkin saya memang mualaf di hati?

Saya tidak tahu.

Daftar Pustaka:

Dee. 2002. Supernova: Akar. Yogyakarta: PT Bentang Pustaka.