Nonsense

What if I fall in love with you?
I would want to tell the world that it feels like I am wrapped in stars
I float and I float and stardusts glitter my hands and my feet
You would take me far from the harsh words I speak every so often
Then we would fly in a balloon of music because music is sweet
And this imaginary bliss is sweet

And if you fall in love with me
You would sing me songs they play on the radio on Saturday nights
You text me and call me and talk about the things we'd do on dates
I would listen to you; bring me up to speed with everything I missed
Then we would drive to a place where pipe dreams are lived
And towards where prayers and illusions head

But any announcement and I would jinx it
And one day I would wake up to a withered rose
of what used to be a cherished friendship and a possible romance

Apakah Saya Seorang Muslim?

Baru saja saya mengisi sebuah survei yang diperuntukkan khusus untuk orang-orang beragama Islam. Survei itu dari seorang mahasiswa jurusan Psikologi. Saya kira semestinya akan berhubungan dengan pandangan-pandangan kami sebagai seorang Muslim, tetapi saya tidak terbayang akan berhubungan dengan apa. Saya kira mungkin akan dilihat kadar kegilaan saya sebagai manusia.

Setelah saya buka laman surveinya dan saya baca pertanyaan-pertanyaannya, ternyata berhubungan dengan konflik Israel dan Palestina. Sejujurnya, saya tidak tahu banyak tentang konflik tersebut. Mungkin karena sudah sangat lama berlangsung, semenjak saya bahkan belum peduli terhadap hal-hal di luar panggung sandiwara kecil saya. Bagi saya, konflik itu merupakan konflik yang ada. Begitu saja. 

Ah, tapi bukan itu yang ingin saya bahas. Yang ingin saya bahas adalah sebuah pertanyaan yang kemudian mengusik batin sehingga tergetar hati saya, dan membuat saya terpekur:

Apakah Anda menganggap diri Anda seorang Muslim?

Kira-kira begitulah pertanyaannya. Sebuah pertanyaan sederhana, yang jawabannya tidak sederhana bagi saya. Jika yang bertanya adalah anggota keluarga - baik itu keluarga inti maupun keluarga besar - tentu jawabannya adalah ya. Jika yang bertanya adalah teman-teman SMA saya yang kebanyakan anggota klub rohis, tentu jawabannya adalah ya. Malah, mungkin jika pertanyaan ini ditanyakan oleh sebagian besar orang, saya akan menjawab ya, saya menganggap diri saya seorang Muslim. Dengan jilbab di kepala, bukankah aneh jika saya menjawab tidak atau tidak tahu? Jilbab saya sudah meng-Islam-kan saya lebih dari KTP. Tidak perlu lihat KTP, dari jauh pun orang akan tahu saya Islam. Di sisi lain, jika yang bertanya adalah teman-teman kuliah saya yang terlalu banyak berfilosofi tentang eksistensi... yah, mungkin kami tidak akan membicarakan soal ini. Bagi kami, urusan manusia dengan Tuhannya bersifat pribadi. Tidak untuk dibahas; tidak untuk dipamerkan; tidak untuk dikomentari. Seorang Muslim fanatik, atau Kristen taat, atau Atheis sejati bukan urusan bagi kami karena kami hidup berdampingan secara damai dan sekuler.

Tapi jika saya membaca sendiri pertanyaan di atas dan saya coba menjawabnya sendiri, saya tidak bisa menjawabnya. Saya tidak mengerti di mana posisi saya sebagai umat Muslim. Saya kadang-kadang sholat, kadang-kadang tidak. Saya lebih sering tidak mengaji daripada mengaji. Saya tidak terlalu membatasi diri terhadap hal-hal yang dilabeli haram oleh agama. Lantas, apakah saya seorang Muslim? Ada juga saatnya saya tidak memiliki sandaran lain kecuali sosok Allah SWT. Ada saatnya saya menangis setelah sholat, istigfar berulang kali dengan segala doa yang tidak terucapkan. Tidak lupa, saya selalu menulis basmalah setiap awal menulis. Lantas, apakah saya seorang Muslim?

Apa syaratnya agar saya menganggap diri saya seorang Muslim?

Pertanyaan itu tadinya tidak pernah terpikirkan oleh saya, tetapi begitu muncul, saya jadi mempertanyakan lagi semua ke-Islam-an saya. Seberapa saya layak menyandang Islam di KTP dan seberapa saya layak memakai jilbab ini. Seberapa saya layak memandang kedua orang tua saya dan mengakui diri sebagai anak berbakti, atau seberapa saya layak merayakan lebaran.

Saya rasa saya belum bisa menemukan jawabannya, tetapi kapan pun jawaban itu akan datang, saya harap jawabannya akan ya kepada siapapun yang bertanya. 

IELTS at IALF Jakarta #3

Writing

I like writing, and I enjoy familiarizing myself with many kinds of texts. Unfortunately, I have to admit that writing Academic text is not my strongest trait in the Writing universe. Therefore, the main reason I took this course was, actually, to learn more about the Writing section. This section was something completely new to me that even the concept of it was scary. English is not my native language, there are more rules in academic texts, and I did not know what would the test be like. Well, Andrew Smith once wrote "People fear what they don't understand", so now I'm here to share what I now know in order to (hopefully) help decrease that fear a bit!

Like other sections, you have one hour to finish it. There are exactly two passages you have to finish: the first one is 150 words long and usually based on a graph/map/process picture, while the second one is 250 words long, answering a question regarding your opinion. Anyway, I will not discuss the passages in this post because you can see the examples of the passages in common IELTS books. Instead, I'd love to share what I believe are important in the Writing section.

The first one, of course, you have to organize your ideas. During the one hour, spare approximately five minutes before starting with each passage. Try to list your main ideas. They do not have to be strictly followed, but it can help you see the key points you want to highlight in your writings. As a result, you can write your paragraphs more easily. The first passage usually consists of more or less three paragraphs whereas I like to make the second passage five paragraphs. For the second passage, you must always write the introduction and conclusion paragraphs (although sometimes, one introduction and one concluding sentences are enough). This does not apply to the first passage, where you can choose whether to write an overview (at the beginning of the passage) or the conclusion (at the end of the passage).

Second, you have to pay attention to your sentences. There are several things which can make your writing better, as told by my teachers and based on my experience. Those things include: (1) writing in both active and passive sentences, since it helps add variety to your passage as well as showcases your English understanding; (2) using which, where, who, whom, and when to help adding complex sentences, which brings up your score if used correctly; (3) making sure your subject-verb agreement is correct, which is a basic requirement even in simple sentences; and (4) making sure the tenses you use are correct, which includes understanding the time frame.

Third, also important is paraphrasing. You see, in the Writing sections, there are instructions/questions which basically give you the theme/topic of your writings. If you are confused about the introduction/overview, you can use those instructions/questions to help you with it. However, do not write it as it is; you have to paraphrase it. Do not copy the instruction/question word-by-word. Instead, change the sentence structure and use synonyms. This is important, not only in the IELTS Test Writing section, but also in any kind of academic texts.

Writing is not like mathematics, as in you do not get the exact correct number if you do the counting a certain way. Writing means formulating your own potion of words; there is a different mix for each one. Therefore, there is no guarantee that what you write in the test will get a perfect score. For instance, I have taken the IELTS test and I believed my Writing section was the best I had done so far (compared to the practices I did in class). I thought I did everything right, but it turned out the score was less than my expectation. I did not know where it went wrong, whether it was too simple, or probably there were some grammar mistakes... but at least I must have paid attention to the things I mentioned above because the result was still enough.

I have a lot to say about the Writing section because I think we, Indonesians, are not so accustomed to writing. As an ex-English teacher, I know that students these days are more fluent in speaking English than writing in English because they are more exposed to English conversation than English texts. This phenomenon does not only occur among teenagers, but also among my peers. Even my lecturer once complained that postgrad students had terrible writing skills. Therefore, I know how hard this section can be for us. Even I wrote this post with the help of Grammarly, which checks my grammar and pronunciation (highly recommended, Readers!).

Anyway, that's all I can say about what I think are important to note. I hope you enjoy reading this, despite the more serious tone compared to the two previous posts about the IELTS Test, as well as it is helpful for you! And, really, don't forget to pratice, practice, and pratice. As they say, practice makes perfect! (Trust me, it worked on my Listening section).

Till next time!

There are days like this...

...when I want to just give up.
On love.
Goals.
Life.

Days like this come right after days that feel right.
Days that feel bright.
Perfect.
Joyful.

They just come and burn
Things that I thought were mine.
That I thought were safe.
Sound.

They leave me with ashes.
They leave me unchecked.
They leave me broken and wounded and everything sad
and that is why.

On days like this
I want to just give up.
On possibilities.

Merindu Buku Tertutup

Hai. Selamat pagi. Kamu terlihat bagus dengan baju itu. Ini sebungkus rokok yang kamu pesan. Tidak, rambutmu terlihat baik-baik saja. Jangan khawatir. Tidak ada yang aneh dengan rambutmu. Tidak, kamu tidak boleh merokok, tapi karena ini mobilmu, jadi semua terserah padamu. Aku cemas perjalanan ini akan banyak diisi dengan diam. Aku benar-benar tidak tahu akan membicarakan apa denganmu.

Ternyata kekhawatiranku tidak beralasan. Aku lupa kamu adalah orang yang punya segudang hal untuk dibicarakan. Kamu, orang yang dilahirkan untuk berada di atas panggung; bahkan jika panggung itu hanya memiliki satu penonton. Aku. Kamu pikir kita cocok menjadi penyiar radio? Kadang aku bertanya-tanya apa kamu menyadari tatapan orang terhadap kita. Apa kamu memikirkan hal yang sama denganku. Apa kamu juga sadar teman-temanku akan diam-diam mensyukuri kita semobil, akan menyadari aku senang berdua denganmu. Apa yang ada dalam pikiranmu?

Kamu lapar? Kita harus mencari tempat sarapan dulu. Silakan saja berhenti di Rest Area itu. Aku tidak lapar, tapi aku haus. Baiklah, aku akan menunggu di toko kelontong. Sudah? Sudah siap mencari makan? Kamu mau roti Starbucks? Tidak? Bagaimana dengan roti di toko kelontong? Kamu tidak mau roti? Mungkin mau beli gorengan? Oh, kamu mau mie ayam. Silakan saja beli. Aku tidak lapar. Minuman ini untukku? Lihat betapa berubahnya kamu sejak empat atau lima tahun lalu kita saling mengenal. Apa kamu sadar betapa manisnya yang kamu lakukan ini?

Mari kita berangkat lagi. Aku tidak tahu kenapa aku membicarakan dia. Tadinya ini pembicaraan yang menyenangkan, tapi kamu membuatnya menjadi seperti sidang bagiku. Kamu benar, aku memang menjadikan dia tolak ukur. Kamu benar, aku merasa rendah diri darinya. Kamu benar, meski berat bagiku untuk mengakui itu. Apalagi terhadapmu. Haruskah kamu mengatakan itu? Haruskah kamu memaparkan aku pada perasaan-perasaan buruk yang ingin aku kubur? Aku tahu ini caramu untuk membangkitkan semangatku. Tapi itu pukulan yang keras bagiku karena kamu tidak tahu bagaimana perasaan itu bermula.

Oh, hai. Halo. Senang rasanya bertemu orang lain, tapi jangan berjalan lebih dulu. Aku ingin tetap bersamamu. Tapi aku juga tidak mau terlihat terlalu lengket denganmu. Kurasa itu sebabnya aku terus mendebatmu.

Aku mau pulang. Sungguh, tidak harus denganmu, tapi barang-barangku ada di mobilmu. Kalau kamu masih mau bersama yang lain, aku sungguh tidak apa-apa. Lihat? Seseorang bahkan menawariku pulang bersamanya. Aku tidak apa-apa. Baiklah, kamu juga mau pulang. Aku perlu pulang sekarang. Aku harus pergi lagi. Kamu kapan mau pulang? Apa lebih baik aku pulang sendiri? Tidak? Baiklah, kalau begitu, ayo pulang sekarang. Aku mendapati debat denganmu ini lucu. Tapi aku sungguh harus pulang. Baik, ayo pulang sekarang. 

Untuk apa, tanyamu? Aku membawa tas besar ini karena kukira tidak mungkin kamu mau langsung pulang. Aku sudah siap pulang naik kereta. Tapi terima kasih sudah mengantarku pulang. Kurasa kamu memang berbeda. Perasaanku terhadapmu memang berbeda daripada yang kurasakan untuk mereka. Tapi... bagaimana? Kamu adalah buku yang sudah kututup bertahun-tahun lalu. Aku rindu. Sangat rindu. Aku merindukan semuanya darimu. Tapi membuka kembali buku yang sudah tertutup mengundang sakit. Apa kamu sepadan dengan sakitnya? 

IELTS at IALF Jakarta #2

Listening

I have always been aware that Listening is my weakness. Even in the paper-based TOEFL test where the questions are explicit, my Listening score was always the lowest compared to the two other sections. Unfortunately for me, the IELTS Listening section is more implicit. Oh, they are not all implicit; at the first and second parts, the questions are pretty explicit (as in you can actually hear the question stated). The problem lies in the third and last part, where paraphrases and changes in the sentence structure are everywhere.

When I was taking the course, I observed that most people start making mistakes in the last two parts. Of course, this is something that doesn't need to be observed--some of you must think "You don't say." Oddly enough, that was not the case for me. I made more or less the same amount of mistakes during the first two and the last two parts. Somehow I always missed that one bit where they stated the answer. It could be that I was too sleepy to concentrate, but if so, it was not something I can fix (except by getting enough sleep before the test). However, I'm not here to write about this.

If you are normal, unlike me, and are in the perfect condition to take the test, there are actually some things you can do to help your Listening section. The credit goes to my teachers, for sure, because I was not aware of this before they told me: the first thing you have to do is to make sure you understand what is asked by the task. What it asks for. When I was an English Studies student, it didn't matter how I write the answer as long as it is correct. On the contrary, in the IELTS test, it is important to follow the instruction precisely. This is basic know-how in life and at work, but this is so basic that sometimes we are careless about it. Or could it be that we just like to rebel because "rules are meant to be broken"?

Anyway, the second thing you have to do is to spot possible paraphrases and misguiding information. The one thing I like about the IELTS test is how the Listening section sounds natural, far more than the listening recordings I have listened to during my student days. As challenging as it is, I think it gives us an example of how real conversation takes place; how sometimes people do not straightforwardly say what we need to hear, or what information we need to get. Hence, the paraphrases and misguiding information. 

Lastly, we have to pay attention to details. Again with the details! Details are extremely important in the IELTS test. That one -s/-es behind a plural noun can decide whether or not your answer is correct. You have to be so focused to avoid missing anything. 

As I mentioned earlier, Listening section in any kind of test was always challenging for me. In the IELTS test, especially, I have to be able to think instead of 'wait' for the correct answer to be stated. It is three brain processes at once: actually listening to the recording, reading the questions, and spotting (desperately) the possible changes in the sentence structure/paraphrases. Still, I liked that the recordings resemble real talk. After all, we cannot expect to find people speaking in short, clear, and simple sentences abroad, amirite? 

Taken from http://www.memegen.com/meme/pst8oo

All in all, I believe you should remember to get enough sleep and be sharp on the day of the test. Those alone can be a big help for you. Aside from them, I also think that it is crucial for you to set the limit of the mistakes you can make. I know that we cannot know for sure whether or not our answers are correct, but at the very least, we can be sure of some answers. Once you make a certain amount of mistake (for me, it's five, although I hope I won't make that many mistakes on the real test), tell yourself that you must not make any more mistake. You can no longer afford to make mistakes. This kind of determination is what usually saves me. Somehow it makes me more focused.

My teacher shared some of the websites we can visit to improve our listening skills: TED, English Listening Lesson Library Online (ELLLO), English Central, and BBC Learning English. I haven't tried visiting BBC Learning English, but the other three are helpful. My favorite one so far is English Central because, on the video I opened, there were on-screen texts with difficult words on which we can click and whose definition we can read.

You may ask, can we just listen to English songs? The answer is no. People do not talk in musical notes all the time. Songs cannot help you in real conversation. However, I am sure songs help enriching our vocabulary (if we take the time to look up the meaning of the words). Anyway, instead of listening to songs, I believe watching movies and TV series without subtitles will help us more. Whereas the aforementioned websites help us with our academic lexical resource, movies and TV series help us with the daily vocabulary.

That is all I can write about the Listening section. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as it is helpful for you.

Till next time!

IELTS at IALF Jakarta #1

Many of my peers these days plan to pursue higher education abroad. The popular target countries include the U.K. and Australia. To be able to get in the universities in those countries, we--as the citizens of non-English speaking country--have to take a language requirement test. There are several kinds of tests, one of which is IELTS.

I decided to resign from my office job to take a two-week IELTS course at IALF Jakarta. My friends, who have taken the IELTS test as well as fellow graduates from English Studies program, told me that I do not need to take the course. It will be basically the same with what we have learned during our study. Also, because I work as a translator/interpreter, I would find it a piece of cake. I am, however, a natural worrywart, and I worried about my writing skills since I had not written any academic essays/paragraphs for so long after college. Thus, I made up my mind and signed up for it.

Originally, I thought I took the course simply for the extra writing practice. It surprisingly turned out to be so much more than that. I actually felt happy and satisfied by the time the course was finished. Of course, it would be a waste if I just store away my notes and leave it just like that without making much use of it. Thus, for my sake and the sake of anyone who probably read this, I would like to share some of the tips I got from my teachers at IALF. Before we start, I hope you enjoy reading this as well as I enjoyed writing it!

Reading
I have read lots of novels and popular articles, but they are totally different from academic texts! Of course, the vocabulary sets are different; moreover, the texts in IELTS test are the ones with questions. Having to answer the questions to test our comprehension of the text is something I find especially difficult because most of the times I just read carelessly through my chosen reading list. I never had to worry about the main idea of a paragraph, not to mention the paraphrases. Unfortunately, I have to be aware of those things in facing the reading test.

For this, one of my teachers actually gave me some helpful tips: (1) you have to use your scanning skill and read the text quickly. It really helps you to grasp the general idea of the text. At least, you can familiarize yourself with some of the words you might find on the questions. (2) You have to highlight the details, but what are the details? The details of a text include names, dates, places, and numbers. Highlighting them serves as something like the search tool on your e-Book. Your brain remembers that you have highlighted it, and looking for those details shall be a lot easier than ever. Lastly, (3) you have to look at the questions. These tips are not written in order, so you can do whichever first. My lecturer once told me to read the questions first to understand what you have to look for. However, reading the questions after you have done the previous two steps is also okay. The important thing is to do it in the most comfortable and efficient for you.

There are not many tips for reading, but these tips are more or less sufficient for reading and understanding academic texts (not limited to an IELTS test!). It goes without saying that reading practice is a must, and if there is one thing I realize after taking the course, it is that we have to have a wide range of vocabulary. As my teacher said, improving our vocabulary is not something we can do within a fortnight. Therefore, if you really want to improve yourself, I suggest you start by reading lots and lots of things--from reading articles and novels. You can also sign up for a newsletter from websites like Grammarly.com or Buzzfeed's Quibbles and Bits. I signed myself up for them and they are truly helpful.

Anyway, that is the end of my short and (definitely not) thorough recapitulation of what I've learned about the reading test. I will write about the other three parts in my next posts, for I fear they will be too long for one post.

Till next time!

Update:
A reader pointed out to me that the IELTS test often used articles from The Economist or The New Scientist. He shared the following links because they provided the PDF version of New Scientist magazine:

The Economist - 2 July 2016
http://banquyensoftware.com/english/the-economist-2-july-2016.html

The New Scientist - July 2, 2016
http://banquyensoftware.com/english/the-new-scientist-july-2-2016.html

Otherwise, you can just open The Economist and/or The New Scientist websites.

Rereading Myself

Instead of rereading myself, I should've named the title "Rereading What I Wrote On My Previous Post." I wrote that piece while being mad, or, quoting myself, enraged about what is happening in Indonesia. Of course, it turned out to be an unprofessional, nonintellectual long rant that even I doubt the causes and effects mentioned were actually causal. Shouldn't have so easily related Indonesia's fear and hatred toward LGBTQ with Indonesia's forceful censorship on TV. My bad. I was naive and immature (I still can't guarantee I'm over that, but we all grow up everyday, and enough sleep always helps).

This is 2016, and it feels like London in 1988. How do I know it when I am still 23? Well, Alan Moore in 1988 voiced exactly what it feels like to be in a situation like this: "The government has expressed a desire to eradicate homosexuality, even as an abstract concept, and one can only speculate as to which minority will be the next legislated against." And if this general statement is not enough, he added a personal statement that also speaks for me: "I'm thinking of taking my family and getting out of this country soon, sometime over the next couple of years. It's cold and it's mean spirited and I don't like it here anymore." Although the family to which I refer would not be my husband and children, and Indonesia is definitely not cold, the rest of the sentence works well to describe what's been accumulating in my head. Thank you, Alan Moore, and your preface for V for Vendetta (1989). 

Indonesia has it more or less the same now with U.K. then. Only it was Christianity, not Islam, that stood as the grounding rule. As I have mentioned in my previous post, Abrahamic religions rule homosexuality as sinful. This newly discovered fact about which you can read all in Wikipedia (of course, if you're looking for some strong facts backed by evidence and legal historical record, never put your faith in Wikipedia--I have nothing against the page, but it is editable. Meaning anyone can alter the content. Helpful, but not reliable) makes me rethink of how public figures and much-publicized institutions shape religions in the eyes of the society. London was famous for its Christianity as well as Indonesia (or I should say, Jakarta and the surrounding areas) is famous for our Islam.

I don't know how people perceive these religions then and now, but I do know that it will be small wonder if there are people who think Islam is too dominant in Indonesia. I mean, the public figures and institutions here truly have no chill. Referring to (again) my previous post, I have described how it is here and now--childish instant reaction to things they don't understand. 

Anyway, I will not make this about religion. Religions are religions, with their set of rules. They are neither to be challenged nor are they to be altered to suit our own needs and wants. The only thing that sadly turns religions into reasons for judging other people is that they are open to interpretation. It just so happens that sometimes, the people who interpret it become the face of the religion--while in the process, smudging its purity and kindness.

Regarding the LGBTQ issue, because the authorities has called it out as sinful, there has been a publication from Indonesia Broadcasting Commission about the prohibition from displaying transgender women and related behavior on TV. A mosque for transgender community in Jogjakarta is closed. Hate speech mushroomed. An ex-minister tweeted a misinterpreted/incompletely interpreted hadith allowing the killing of transgender people. It is dangerous, what these public figures could do with their hastily shallow understanding about their own faith and their own people.

I said I will not make this about religion. However, it is almost unavoidable to see that amidst this controversy about LGBTQ, a strong sense of Islamic solidarity is formed among the majority of Indonesians. It is natural, I must say. After all, Islam is against homosexuality (right, about that, I'm trying to say this, but. . .yeah, I can't help myself: Islam is against homosexuality, true, but Islam is never against embracing people. Go, read some history on Islam. Read the story of our Prophet Muhammad [PBUH] and tell me it isn't right. You will know what I'm suggesting here). 

I cannot say that this solidarity and this sudden re-realization of "Islamic values" are directly related to censorship in media (or even if it is related at all), but before you know it, everywhere things are blurred. Censorship at its best. It has been disturbing for quite some times since they decided to censor cigarettes and even the slightest cleavage on TV, but only recently I found out they also made up their mind to censor guns. In a frenzy action movie culture, censoring guns means mosaics here and there. Still, what blew everyone's mind was these two outrageous censorship: the one on cartoons and the one on kebaya, our own traditional dress. The skirt worn by Shizuka from Doraemon is considered too short (she is a 5-year-old). The bikini worn by Sandy from Spongebob Squarepants is considered inappropriate (she is a squirrel). The kebaya worn by the beauty pageant contestants is considered showing too much skin (. . . .it is our own traditional attire?).

Whether or not Islamic values are related to this unfortunate event, what happens happens. As insane as it is, this is the face of Indonesian media these days: frightened by women's body. Pardon the use of words; I am a woman and I am offended. Cigarettes are dangerous for our health, as it is scientifically proven. Guns are dangerous because it is a weapon, it harms people and breaks things. Is women's body dangerous? If you say so with whatever reason you might have (apart from religion, because it is complicated to elaborate women's position in Islam and it will need a whole another post), congratulations. You see the world through men's eyes. As Naomi Wolf said, "Beauty provokes harassment, the law says, but it looks through men's eyes when deciding what provokes it." (The Beauty Myth, 1990). If any, women's body are dangerous for themselves. Some men are so used to having excuses justifying women's objectification.

You might challenge me and argue, "You said 'apart from religion', which means it can be that these censorship guys censored TV according to rules set in religions! We see this from religions' eyes, you insolent writer!" Well, think again. Which religion forbids women from showing their skin? If your answer is Islam, think again. Is Indonesia an Islamic country? The majority of us are Muslims, I know, but is it an Islamic country? Is Indonesian law supposedly rooted from Islamic rules? You just gotta think and think again. Indonesia is home to diversity. Different languages, skin colors, religions, beliefs, norms, social values, lifestyles. There is never a rule that says majority is law. You know, you might think I'm kafir by now, and I disrespect Islam by wearing hijab while having an opinion like this. It's fine. I'm a Muslim neither because of nor for you (that, if I'm a Muslim at all; you and I both know only Allah can pass someone as a true Muslim). 

All in all, again, I made this too intertwined with religion (okay, Islam). But, really, you cannot talk about these two issues without relating it with Islam. The country that was once famous for its friendly pluralism is no longer. And sometimes, to me, it is as if the government forget that they are the leaders of diverse people--they play favorites with only some groups. Coincidentally, it is Islam. Still, recalling the history of LGBTQ in London, I doubt this parade will last for long. The same goes for women's objectification. 

What is happening!?

I cannot stay silent about the fear and condemnation of women's bodies in media around here. From Ke$ha's denied plea to be released of her contract, to Indonesia's extreme censorship on TV... there are too many unhappy things about women's place in the world.

Gender issues (right, because this is not exclusively about feminism; this is also about the recent popularity of LGBTQ) are surfacing in this world. Last year, America has ruled same-sex marriage as legal. For a so-called free country, I should say, it is not something that raises questions (or eyebrows). It doesn't change their foundation, which is--should it be underlined--"freedom for all." However, it doesn't take a freakishly intelligent person to tell that the move will change the whole world. Or at least Indonesia.

For all my life, and I'm in my early 20s, I have always known America as the Capital of the World. It is the center of film industry, of technology, of politics, of fashion... and as of late, of its attention on humanity issues. FYI, this humanity issues include attention on same-sex relationship. It was not the first country to legalize same-sex marriage, but it was America. Sooner or later, it will change something. The perspectives. The paradigm. The courage to change and speak up.

It just has to be that in Indonesia, it happened sooner rather than later, because earlier this year, there emerged, from a national university, a study group that supposedly discuss about LGBTQ and how to be a part of LGBTQ and deal with both themselves and the society within which they live.  Of course, the university was quick in disclaiming the group, saying that it had never asked for their permission in using the uni's name--and, in the process, severing any relationship between them. The university cannot be held responsible for the radical event.

What, radical, you say? Yes. So, you see, Indonesia is not the U.S. Its legal foundation is the faith to the one and only God. Plus, the majority of the population is Muslims. Same-sex relationship is haraam in Islam. I am a born Muslim. Believe me, I know. It's true. But I'm here neither to persuade you readers (if there's any) to go against LGBTQ, nor am I here to ask you to challenge my own religion. No.

I am here simply because I am enraged of what is happening.

The "coming out" of aforementioned sexuality study group (which, tbh, I am totally interested to join, since, in case you're not paying attention, it provides space to study sexuality; NOT, as what some people strongly believe, promoting LGBTQ--come on, people, be open-minded!) was thought to be an insignificant, seemingly fleeting problem. Especially, since the related uni has publicly disclaimed it.

Unfortunately, some people just cannot let go (and I cannot blame them, truly) because they are concerned with the well-being of their children in the future. To put it simply, this is considered as a rotten image of today's generation (if not another sign of how doomsday is near), and now is a rotten era.

Dicussions were held, both among peers and on TV. I watched it, once. I saw a journalist around my age, a woman, a hijabi, speaking out about freedom--and pretty much what people who have studied humanities would say. Needless to say, I agreed with her. Man, she wasn't even trying to convince anyone. She simply stated her opinion... and she received a counterattack in the form of a raised, emotional, provocative voice (at least that's how it sounded to my ears) by people who doubtfully know anything about humanities at all.

It is, however, saddening to bear the fact that the majority of this country are the ones with that difference. This position of power makes differences more than simply what they are. What began as different stands on LGBTQ ends up as a set of boundaries separating the characteristics of men and women. If I hadn't known better, they seem like a frightened little children who hate something alien to them; little children who fear and avoid what they don't understand. Or are they, really?

Anyway, the boundaries of men and women spell stereotype. And here is where it is connected to feminism, simply because its movements are the ones that soundly fight for gender equality. With the stereotypes coming back, women's objectification comes along. And with that, the second sex situation all over again. TV shows are imposed with drastic censorship, to the point where the slightest bit of skin showing is decorated with mozaics even in cartoon movies. Then also, what blew everyone's mind, the skin of our beauty queens on their beauty contest, while wearing our traditional kebaya. Then, Indonesian Broadcasting Commission publicly published prohibitions to TV stations from displaying males dressed, act, and speak in females manner. Then a mosque for "waria" (men crossdressing as women) was forced to close. It is as if GENDER STEREOTYPES are stressed in almost every aspect in media because we fear we will forget them, and we will turn into LGBTQ once we forget.

Look, I know this piece of writing is not organized and not very comprehensive. You might not even understand what I'm writing. So here's the point of me ranting on and on and wasting your precious minutes: I am enraged (yep, highlighting my feeling) that some people are so tangled in this gender issue without even knowing what gender issue really is. They got a glimpse of the world beyond them, they were not ready... and they pass judgment while looking at that world through their tinted eyeglasses. Again, I'm not asking you to challenge my own religion (this is because Islam is the only religion I mentioned which actually forbids same-sex relationship, while actually it is also forbidden in other Abrahamic religions); I'm just asking you, readers, to learn a bit about humanity without filtering it with any values you may have hold before. You can change your mind after learning it, you can stay with your own perspectives. . . but you can at least learn before you freaked out and condemning I'm, and people like me, kafir.

I am not a part of LGBTQ because I, a woman, like men. It does not mean I am normal and they aren't. It simply means we are different. I am not suggesting to promote or to empower the groups supporting LGBTQ. It does not mean I would ban and/or condescend them. I just let them be. I would not alter the world to suit my values. And regarding the extreme censorship. . . well, I must say it is stupid. I watched the same movies when I was younger, the same movies they now censor but then didn't, and I didn't have any weird thoughts. Truly, censoring it only makes people wonder what's behind those disturbing small boxes that give people the wrong idea of what's really going on. For this, I have something to say: "the pot calling the kettle black." Censoring everything means those people are assuming other people see what they see, which means they are probably the most perverted ones in the whole country.

Quarter-life Crisis

Reaching the peak of our 20s (plus the fact that we are all so sinfully ambitious), my friends and I are probably facing our biggest quater-life crisis right now: the choices. 

For me, it always starts with the longing to escape from my job. You see, I'm working my second job. Unlike my first job as a teacher, I love it here. I love translating movies, I love the friends (although you really can't love everyone), I love the routine. It is all perfect except for the shifting (from which I finally managed to escape due to a case with a night company driver) and the management (which is unfitting its famous name), and sometimes the ones who got away (you know, the would-be friends but drifted apart with spite once we encountered the, ahem, night company driver-case). Sometimes it occurs to me that I might be an escapist who simply doesn't like authority, with little trust to people and quick to judge. But it is not for me to say so; it's your job to judge me as I other people. Be honest, we live in a judgmental world.

Anyway, my friends (with each to their own reasons) and I then went to the same intersection that leads to the desire to pursue higher education. Why education? I don't know. My reasons include the confusion of what I really am doing with my life. I feel incapable, lost, stuck, unfulfilled, dissatisfied, and generally unhappy. I noticed, of course, that this is not only my problem. Some people try to provide reasons. I agree to some of them: the conviction that I can do better--I can be at a better place, I am destined to be great, not just another employee in another company--more often than not, backfires. It becomes a burden.

20s is the age of deadlines. Perhaps this deadline's extended to our 30s, but sooner or later it will end. Name it. Marriage, family, education, career... most people want theirs to settle before 30, 35.  In our quarter-life, that leaves us with only 5-10 years. Meanwhile, there are lots of things we want to pursue and those things are no longer the small stuff like the highest grade in class or the books we want to buy. We want a partner in love, not just husband or wife. We want the romance as well as the punctuality. We want a family before we're too old to do anything. We want to learn, to study, to travel, and to know the world. We were told that we can. We want to keep concerning ourselves with issues in life, be it social or humanities or scientific. We want to become a part of the world; we want to contribute. We want to climb our stairs career-wise. We have big dreams, but it all takes time.

I want to study culture and gender and feminism and theology and Islam and media and film and advertising and journalism and creative writing and literature, but I can't study them all. I have to have one focus to pursue. Would I rather pursue practical skills that can be put to work, or pursue what I am passionate about? In a rare case, someone can be so lucky so as to find a string connecting the two. If I pursue the practical skills, will I be happy once I get them to work? If I pursue my passion, will it provide for my life? Would I rather be idealistic or realistic? Can't I be both?

When I finally decided I want to pursue higher education first (because I haven't found the perfect workplace and I haven't had anyone with me to marry), I was faced with yet another set of options. Such was described in previous paragraphs. I made up my mind, or I thought I did, to study Creative Industries. The path is clear. I'm working in media industries as a translator (which can actually lead to two directions: media and/or translation) and I am interested in the relationship between media and culture. Creative Industries major has answers for them. However, it asks me: what will I focus on? I can't just study for the sake of studying. I don't have the answer yet.

I put misery to my life by overthinking it, as usual, and it confuses me too much. I'm not used to not having answers. I am a good student. I'm sure I can follow the classes diligently and successfully, but I'm not used to having to find my own question and answer. What will I do in life? What will I contribute to Indonesia, to the school, to my community? What will I give in return of the money the scholarship will invest on me? Giving answers would be easy; following up and be sincere wouldn't. I can't just say I want this to give me back my self-esteem and satisfy my thirst for knowledge (which will be an honest thing to say).

Anyway, in the midst of confusion, an offer came that almost immediately pull me and my life that way. There's this girl, who is a friend of a friend of mine, who used to test me for novel translation. I contacted her after I decided to quit my current job. Surprisingly, she offers me another novel translation project and even proposes that I become her proofreader next month. Being a proofreader/editor/translator has always been more interesting to me than I want to admit. It seems a simple task, but I truly enjoy it. It is practical, too, so I won't have to worry about not having a job. It is a concrete and sought after job. Without a second thought, I accepted her proposal. It could be a fulfilling freelance job while I complete my requirements for the scholarship. Killing two birds with one stone.

As if it is not enough a joy to hear, she read my CV and saw that I have published a fiction teen literature. She told me she's an editor at a well-known publishing company and encouraged me to send her my novel drafts, if any. She said she would love to edit and revise it if it's deemed worthy of publishing.

Oh, God, mercy!

It's a dream I have gradually forgotten. Buried in my deepest, silent heart. And my heart is never not noisy. I never thought it would come again like a new wounded flesh. So real and so close and so painful--it reminds me that it is still alive and burning.

Therefore, it is natural that I am drawn to the force of this dream. But while my heart is fluttering at the thought of picking up where I left it off, my conscience tugs at me and says, "What about all the plans you have in mind?" What about all the practical skills I have planned to learn? What about the issues and purposes you have prepared to be the key weapons in the scholarship essays and interviews? What about all the plans you have in mind?

I was never one to just abandon my heart, and all these times, things went great if I follow my heart. Moreover, the older I get, the rarer my heart tells me something. I cannot just refuse to hear what it is telling me now. It is fluttering when it hears the news, for God's sake! This is definitely not something I can just walk past by.

What scares me is that it almost immediately made me think I don't need this media and practical skills. I don't need to pretend I'm interested in cultural policy so much that I want to work in that field (because truly, I am interested in studying and learning all about it, but the prospect of working in that field does not appeal to me, like, at all). I am not ambitious to pursue a career in media.

But how much can I profit from writing fictions? If I'm J.K. Rowling, it would probably be enough for life.

I can always translate things. It is so tempting to just take a class and get certification for translation. I can edit books and papers. And then I'll get back to writing stories. I can probably get some published. I can always be an interpreter if I grow tired of seeing papers and documents. I can just take another class of interpretation. Or I can pursue a major in translation, although I still don't think it should happen anytime soon. Or probably I can take a major in literature. You know, studying world literature to see how other countries represent their culture in the books and all the pieces of writings. I can find some ways to represent Indonesia to the eyes of the world. I don't want to be a lecturer... but probably it's for the best? Or I can just be a researcher in Indonesian literature?

You see, I set my heart to writing and publishing and I want to try my best to make something out of it. I know I will, eventually. But it takes time to really break it down and find the concrete answers and then explain it to my parents, because I know they expect the best from me. And they think I'm not destined to be just another somebody. At least, my father does. He sees me as a minister of everything wonderful and foreign and influential. He sees me as a boss of a start-up, promising company. He sees me as a manager from a well-known corporate. He sees me as someone I think I can, but I'm not sure if I want to, become.

Oh, he'll accept my explanation, for sure, but it is scary to see the slight disappointment in his eyes if I seem to be unsure of my future, or if that future is something he does not understand. Still, in this quarter-life, I have to admit I don't know many things. I don't know if this is the right way or that is the correct path instead, or if my life will be prosperous in the future. I'm not good at planning. I don't know the answer to everything, and everything might not go according to plan. And sometimes I don't even know what I want.

It's a lie when they say teenage period is the period of confusion. 

Menanggapi LGBT

Boleh, ya, saya sekali-sekali sok-sok cerdas bicara tentang isu yang sedang marak di dunia ini. Tentu saja, ini sebenarnya masalah dunia pertama. Dunia yang isunya berupa isu kemanusiaan. Dunia yang tidak lagi dipermasalahkan lapar dan kemiskinan dan perang dengan negara tetangga... atau bahkan dengan sesama saudara. Ah, tetapi tidak apa. Toh isu ini sekarang sudah menjadi masalah pula bagi masyarakat Indonesia. Khususnya, dengan semakin vokalnya kaum-kaum terpelajar menyuarakan soal toleransi terhadap kaum LGBT. Apalagi, ada SGRC UI.

Saya pertama kali mendengar tentang SGRC UI dari teman saya di grup. "Di UI lagi rame bahas support buat LGBT, tuh," katanya. Lalu, teman-teman lain turut berpartisipasi dalam percakapan itu dengan memberikan gambar-gambar pamflet dan bukan pamflet yang kurang-lebih menggambarkan apa itu SGRC. Intinya, itu adalah kelompok yang mempelajari seksualitas dan membuka konsultasi/dukungan bagi yang membutuhkan. Beberapa orang di pamflet itu digambarkan sebagai bagian dari kelompok LGBT. Ada yang gay, panseksual... pokoknya segala kelompok LGBT. Oh, iya, bagi yang tidak tahu, LGBT bukan serta-merta gay saja. Banyak kelompok seksualitas lainnya.

SGRC UI kontroversial karena dua hal:

1. Mengangkat isu yang sensitif bagi masyarakat Indonesia.
2. Mencatut nama UI.

Untuk masalah kedua, UI segera mengeluarkan press release yang menyatakan bahwa SGRC tidak meminta izin aktivitas pada UI, dan karenanya tidak berhak mencatut nama UI. Dengan adanya press release itu, orang tahu bahwa SGRC bukan bagian dari UI.

Bagi saya dan teman teman, yang sudah belajar ilmu kemanusiaan dan cenderung terbuka/toleran terhadap LGBT, masalah sudah selesai. Kami tahu Indonesia belum siap, atau mungkin tidak akan siap, menerima LGBT sebagai hal lumrah. Tentu saja, penerimaan dan kesiapan toleransi terhadap LGBT bukan berarti lebih bagus atau lebih baik. Hanya memang karakter Indonesia yang erat dengan agama (apalagi sila pertamanya menganut Ketuhanan yang Maha Esa), tidak memungkinkannya menerima LGBT. Kami sebagai warga Indonesia yang beragama, tentu punya larangan tersendiri mengenai cinta sesama jenis (dan cinta sesama jenis adalah bentuk LGBT yang paling marak terdengar).

Namun, penerimaan dan kesiapan toleransi terhadap LGBT juga bukan berarti lebih buruk. Saya belajar tentang rasisme dan feminisme. Keduanya dimulai dari kecenderungan menuju homogenitas (saya pernah membahas ini dalam post tahun lalu). Kulit putih tidak menyukai kulit hitam karena mereka berbeda; dianggap lebih barbar, dianggap bukan manusia yang setara. Begitu pula dengan perempuan. Laki-laki beranggapan perempuan bukan manusia yang punya hak suara sebesar mereka. Karena alasan itulah, kulit hitam dan perempuan sempat dilarang memiliki hak yang sama dengan kaum satunya.

Bagi saya, kaum LGBT sekarang juga menerima perlakuan yang sama dengan perempuan dan kulit hitam. Mereka minoritas, maka diperlakukan berbeda. Kadang, saya melihat ini tidak ada bedanya dengan masalah kaum-kaum minoritas sebelumnya. Oleh karena itu, saya mengerti pentingnya toleransi dalam hal ini.

Toleransi saya, sejauh ini, berupa pengabaian. Jika saya tahu ada orang yang gay, atau ada orang transgender, saya tidak terlalu ambil pusing. Itu hidup mereka, bukan hidup saya. Siapa saya untuk menghakimi mereka? Bukan saya yang nanti akan menghisab amal mereka. Saya bukan Tuhan. Pemikiran saya ini akhirnya menunjukkan pola pikir saya yang beragama lebih ke sifat spiritualnya--hubungannya dengan Tuhan. Dalam sebagian dunia saya, orang-orang seumuran saya (20-an tahun) yang saya kenal, saya rasa kurang-lebih sama. Agama menjadi urusan pribadi yang tidak bisa dihakimi, tidak juga bisa menghakimi. Masing-masing saja.

Namun, ada juga sebagian dunia saya yang lain, dunia dengan orang tua saya dan sebagian orang-orang lain, yang tidak bisa saya abaikan. Pada bagian ini, aspek ritual agama-lah yang ditonjolkan. Katanya, jika saya biarkan LGBT, yang menurut agama merupakan penyimpangan sesat, artinya saya sama saja dengan kaum LGBT. Sama berdosanya, sama sesatnya, sama menyimpangnya. Semasa saya belajar ilmu kemanusiaan, saya sering berdebat soal ini pada ayah saya. Jadilah saya anak durhaka. Anak menyimpang. Dulu saya merasa ayah saya bodoh karena tidak mengerti. Melihat dunia terlalu hitam-putih. Apalagi jika bicara soal kebenaran.

Seiring pertambahan usia, saya mulai melihat dari kacamata ayah saya. Bahwa agama bukan sesuatu yang bisa dilepas begitu saja dari kehidupan. Saat kemarin teman saya cerita bahwa dia bertuhan, bukan beragama... saya membatin, saya pernah seperti itu. KTP saya bilang saya Islam, tapi sesungguhnya saya bertuhan. Bukan beragama. Hubungan saya dengan Tuhan adalah hubungan spiritual, bukan ritual. Tapi saya kemudian berkaca: jika saya Muslimah, saya tidak bisa hanya bertuhan. Saya harus beragama, dan beragama berarti mengadopsi juga aturan-aturannya.

Kembali ke soal LGBT. Jika begini jadinya, habislah saya dalam dilema saat menanggapi LGBT. Saya yang satu bisa menanggapinya dari sisi kemanusiaan (di mana saya melihat ketiadaan toleransi terhadap kaum LGBT adalah bentuk masalah kecenderungan homogenitas umat manusia), saya yang satu bisa pula menanggapinya dari sisi agama (paling tidak, sebaiknya mengingatkan bahwa itu dianggap menyimpang).

Belum ada solusi mengenai bagaimana menjembatani isu LGBT dengan eratnya agama di Indonesia. Mungkin akan ada, tapi saya tidak mau terlalu optimis. Saya yakin, bukan hanya saya yang menemukan masalah ini menimbulkan dilema. Kami warga Indonesia sedang belajar menemukan jalan--kami sedang bertanya-tanya tentang kemanusiaan dan tentang agama. Semoga tidak perlu ada pertentangan ekstrem jika kedua sisi itu tidak lagi bisa berkompromi.

Menjadi Perempuan (1): Sopir

Saya mau curhat sedikit.

Saya ini perempuan single (oke, jomblo) berusia awal 20-an tahun, berasal dari keluarga Islam (terlepas dari itu, berjilbab), dan bekerja di sebuah kantor media yang memberlakukan pergantian shift (yang artinya, saya kadang harus bekerja dari pukul 6 sore hingga pukul 2 pagi). Keadaan saya yang seperti ini membuat perasaan saya sering tidak menentu, baik soal omongan orang maupun hal-hal yang terjadi.

Permasalahan diawali dengan shift malam (tentu saja, mungkin sebagian dari kalian akan bisa langsung menebak itu masalahnya). Ayah saya tidak pernah setuju pekerjaan saya ada shift malam. Dulu, beliau pernah setuju karena ada sopir yang mengantar ke rumah. Lalu, dengan segera beliau mengubah pikirannya. Katanya, saya perempuan. Tidak baik pulang malam. Beliau tidak menjelaskan apa kekhawatirannya, tapi kurang-lebih saya bisa paham. Bukan karena apa-apa melainkan karena "tidak baik perempuan pulang larut malam" adalah omongan biasa di antara orang Indonesia. Banyak hal bisa terjadi. Saya bisa mendadak diserang orang lalu diperkosa. Pemerkosaan bukan hal asing di belahan dunia mana pun. Termasuk Indonesia. Saat larut malam, jalanan tidak ramai. Tidak ada yang bisa menolong. Saya paham.

Tapi saya sudah kepalang tanda tangan kontrak, dengan didukung oleh persetujuan beliau. Awalnya, saya pun tidak melihat adanya bahaya. Banyak perempuan yang juga pulang malam bersama saya. Ke daerah rumah sejauh saya. Para sopir baik-baik saja, malah bersahabat. Saya lihat, teman searah saya sering mengobrol dengan mereka, maka saya juga ikut begitu. Dalam pikiran saya, toh saya yang butuh jasa mereka. Saya tidak boleh memperlakukan mereka dengan bossy. Lagi pula, saya diantar pulang larut malam. Kalau sikap saya ada yang salah, pastilah bisa mendorong terjadinya hal-hal yang berbahaya (pemerkosaan, pelecehan seksual, penculikan--dunia ini adalah tempat berbahaya). Karena obrolan ringan di antara kami, saya mulai merasa aman. Sopir-sopir itu seusia dengan kami. 20-30-an tahun. Candaan mereka hampir sama dengan kami.

Saya tidak akan berlagak jadi perempuan polos yang tidak awas terhadap kondisi sekitar. Saya tahu saat mulai ada omongan-omongan di antara para sopir. Saya sadar sejak mereka mulai memperlakukan saya sebagai perempuan cantik yang jadi idaman laki-laki. Saya sadar sejak mereka menyukai saya. Saya jelaskan seperti ini, bukan karena saya merasa saya perempuan idaman laki-laki, melainkan karena saya tahu gelagat mereka menunjukkan anggapan mereka yang seperti itu. Saya tidak memaksudkan ini (dan tidak merasa ini) flattering. Jauh. Justru saya merasa terganggu. Jangankan saya; perempuan-perempuan yang benar-benar cantik saja mungkin akan terganggu.

Pada awalnya, saya tidak merasa ada masalah saat ucapan-ucapan itu hanya berupa ucapan kolektif. Saya pikir mereka begitu pada setiap penumpang baru, atau mereka hanya iseng. Tapi kemudian, salah satu dari mereka mulai menunjukkan gelagat yang berbeda. Sebutlah Sopir A. Saya perhatikan, memang Sopir A agak berbeda dari yang lain. Lebih vokal. Lebih seradak-seruduk. Lebih berani. Saya tahu dia bekerja sambil kuliah.

Sejak sebulan yang lalu, Sopir A mulai sering mengantar saya pulang. Jika bukan gilirannya, dia akan ikut menemani si sopir yang bertugas. Sikapnya semakin kentara. Bicaranya manis kepada saya, tidak kepada teman saya. Dia juga sering menyebut-nyebut soal saya ke sopir lain. "Tolong jaga Melati," konon katanya, karena ada sopir yang akhirnya bilang "Oh, ini Melati yang itu?". Lalu, seorang teman berkata, "Nggak apa-apa, Mel. Bagus jadi ada yang jagain." Seolah 'dijaga' adalah hal bagus (itu, omong-omong, bertentangan dengan pikiran saya yang cenderung ingin bertanya balik, "Memangnya perempuan harus dijaga? Hidupnya bergantung pada dijaga?"). 

'Dijaga'.

Sesuatu yang dijaga, konotasinya adalah benda rapuh. Benda berharga, tapi rapuh. Dijaga, konotasinya adalah properti. Saya bukan properti dia, saya juga tidak rapuh. Tapi saya perempuan. Bagaimanapun saya merasa tidak rapuh, ada dinding bernama 'kekuatan fisik' yang tidak bisa saya panjat. Di sebelahnya, ada dinding bernama 'masyarakat' dan 'paradigma' yang juga tidak bisa saya panjat. Sudah dari segi fisik saya jelas tidak akan sekuat laki-laki, masyarakat dan paradigma akan menyalahkan saya jika terjadi apa-apa. Salah saya karena mau ambil shift malam. Salah saya karena menanggapi si sopir mengobrol. Lalu, jika saya abaikan dia dan membuatnya (amit-amit) marah serta nekat, salah saya karena tidak ramah. Meskipun begitu, saya tetap bukan properti dia. Dia tidak perlu menjaga saya. Mungkin saya justru harus dijaga dari dia. Ah, saya melantur. Intinya, saya tidak suka dia bilang pada orang untuk menjaga saya seolah saya adalah properti dia yang rapuh. Ada batas privasi dan kebebasan yang, bagi saya, terlanggar begitu dia mengatakan begitu.

Anyway.

Keadaan mulai memuncak saat dia sendirian mengantar saya ke rumah. Dia bercerita tentang hidupnya. Saya dengarkan dan tanggapi karena pada dasarnya saya suka mengobrol. Mungkin saya yang salah. Saya selalu yang terakhir diantar karena rumah saya jauh. Dari rumah sebelum saya hingga ke rumah saya, dia mengemudi dengan sangat pelan. Saya tahu sangat pelan dan tidak wajar, karena dia biasa mengebut dari Kelapa Gading ke penumpang sebelum saya. Saya diamkan. Mungkin saya yang salah. Saya tidak tahu bagaimana menghadapi situasi seperti itu. Itu yang pertama kalinya. Dia cerita, saya dengarkan. Saat saya mulai merasa sangat tidak nyaman, jarak ke rumah saya sudah dekat. Saya merasa tidak perlu memburu-buru. Saya takut dianggap berlebihan. Mungkin saya yang salah.

Saat itu, dia bilang mau mampir ke rumah saya hari Minggu lalu. Untuk meminta tanda tangan saya di surat lembur, karena dia lupa membawanya minggu lalu. Kalau saya tidak tanda tangan, dia tidak dapat lembur. Saya bilang saya tidak pernah ada di rumah saat hari Minggu. 

Dia pernah meminta nomor telepon saya untuk keperluan surat lembur itu. Saya berikan karena awalnya, hanya untuk janjian di kantor. Tidak apa-apa. Tapi, soal ke rumah di luar jam kerja adalah langkah yang terlalu jauh. Saya tidak suka. 

Puncaknya, minggu lalu. Hampir setiap hari selama seminggu, dia ikut mengantar saya pulang bersama dua orang temannya. Itu saja sudah membuat saya merasa tidak nyaman. Buat apa ada sopir sampai tiga orang? Dan malam itu, saya ketiduran di mobil. Tentu saya tidur hanya saat masih ada teman sebelum saya. Begitu dia pulang, saya terus terjaga.

Sopir B bertanya, "Mel, kok diem aja?" Saya jawab, "Ngantuk." Sopir A mulai bertanya kapan biasanya saya terbangun. Kapan saya tidur. Apakah saya langsung tidur sesampainya di rumah. (Saya lupa bilang, sopir A suka banyak bertanya tentang transportasi yang saya naiki sebelum berangkat, pukul berapa saya berangkat). Saya bilang "Saya tidak suka shift malam." Maksudnya, karena saya tidak suka diantar malam-malam oleh sopir. 

Siang harinya di rumah, saya terbangun mendapati SMS darinya yang bilang "Happy weekend ya Mel. Maaf aku nggak enak tadi kamu sampai ketiduran gitu. Semoga kamu cepat dapat kerjaan yang lebih baik." 

Bagi saya itu pelanggaran batas yang sudah kelewatan. 

Terlepas dari urusan profesi dan jabatan (mengingat dia adalah sopir sementara saya penerjemah, dia kerja lapangan sementara saya kerja di kantor), saya tidak suka dia mencampuradukkan pekerjaan dan urusan pribadi. Apalagi, pekerjaan kami mengharuskan kami ada di mobil saat larut malam (dengan saya satu-satunya perempuan, atau dengan kami hanya berdua). Saya balas SMS-nya, "Santai, Mas. Namanya kerja ada capeknya." Mungkin salah saya. Merasa mendapat angin, dia membalas dengan SMS yang bersifat menggodai. Jelas-jelas flirting, meski diucapkan dengan jenaka. 

Pada dasarnya, saya orang yang defensif terhadap laki-laki yang mendekati saya. Bukan karena saya cantik, karena orang tidak perlu jadi cantik untuk bisa pilih-pilih. Hanya saja, tidak pernah mudah bagi saya untuk membuka diri terhadap orang baru. Saya tidak percaya ada yang benar-benar menyukai saya tanpa maksud macam-macam. Mungkin di antara semuanya, sayalah yang paling tidak menyukai diri saya sendiri. Atau mungkin itu karena setiap saya merasa mulai bisa dekat dengan orang, mereka pergi. Mungkin itu karena ruang privasi saya yang terlalu besar. Didekati, malah menganggap orang melanggar privasi.

Saya yang seperti ini, dihadapkan pada situasi di mana ada orang yang mendekati dengan terang-terangan, dalam posisi ada banyak waktu berdua, dan waktu itu ada di antara pukul 2 - 4 pagi di mana jalanan sudah sepi dan langit gelap dan di dalam mobil. Bukankah sangat wajar jika saya menjadi sangat sensitif? Sebut saya paranoid. Tidak masalah. 

* * *

Hal lain yang menyebalkan (ya, ini memang menyebalkan) adalah begitu saya cerita pada teman saya di kantor (sesama perempuan!) mereka justru menanggapinya sebagai candaan. Saat Sopir A mengindikasikan ada perasaan pada saya, teman saya bilang: "Tuh, Mel. Gimana tuh, ditanya." Saat saya cerita padanya, betapa saya merasa risih, dia bilang "Abis lo jomblo sih, Mel." Seolah jomblo adalah pangkal masalah. Seolah jomblo adalah kesalahan. Seolah jomblo adalah kekurangan. Tapi sejak kapan sih, kehidupan didefinisikan dengan status hubungan asmara? Tidakkah jadi cetek sekali tolak ukurnya? Lalu, kalau jomblo, saya harus permisif dengan ini? Okelah, jika tidak seperti itu. Katakanlah kalau jomblo, saya jadi ada yang melindungi. Ada yang memagari. Lalu, eksistensi saya kembali jadi properti seseorang. Karena bukankah paradigmanya, perempuan memang pada akhirnya jadi properti laki-laki?

Kemudian saya mengadu pada seorang teman di kantor yang selalu berurusan dengan para sopir. Dia punya pacar yang juga sopir dulunya. Dia bilang sebelum ada apa-apa, jangan langsung bilang pada Kepala Bagian. Selama belum ada kontak fisik, belum ada apa-apa namanya. Argumen bodoh. Tentunya dia tidak familiar dengan peribahasa "Sedia payung sebelum hujan". Bagus kalau kontak fisiknya hanya sebatas dicolek (meski membayangkan itu terjadi saja sudah membuat saya mual). Bagaimana jika kontak fisiknya kembali ke yang tadi: perkosaan, penculikan, pelecehan seksual? Apa dia bisa bantu jika itu terjadi? Dia bilang, banyak yang sudah mengeluh. Tolong saya jangan mengeluh lagi. Bisa-bisa para sopir itu kena dimarahi, akhirnya kita juga yang kena imbasnya jika mereka menyetir ugal-ugalan untuk balas dendam. Lagi pula, ini masalah perasaan. Bukan masalah kantor.

* * *

Batin saya berkonflik. Di satu sisi, saya merasa perempuan bisa berdiri sendiri. Saya tahu sekarang feminisme banyak yang menentang catcalling laki-laki, saya tahu feminisme banyak bicara tentang kemandirian perempuan. Tapi saya tidak bisa menutup mata dari kenyataan bahwa dalam situasi seperti ini (pulang larut malam, sendirian di mobil), tidak banyak pilihan bagi perempuan.

Saya ingin bilang bahwa paradigma perempuan yang pulang larut malam itu bukan perempuan baik-baik, perempuan yang pulang larut malam itu mengundang bahaya pada dirinya sendiri, sebagai paradigma yang salah. Saya ingin bilang perempuan berhak merasa aman. Tapi saya harus mengakui itu semua teori. Itu semua bentuk utopia. Sayangnya, manusia tidak terbentuk dari teori. Laki-laki akan tetap memiliki lebih banyak keuntungan jika berada dalam situasi ini, karena fisik yang lebih kuat dan jaminan dari paradigma sosial bahwa jika sesuatu yang buruk terjadi, itu semua salah perempuan. 

Dari kacamata paradigma ini, jika ada sesuatu yang buruk terjadi, mungkin salah saya karena saya mau shift malam. Dari awal, saya yang salah.

Cerita Musim Panas #4: Singapura! DAY ONE

"The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only one page." (Augustine of Hippo)

Sebagai pecinta buku dan pecinta kutipan-kutipan mengenai buku, gue pernah merasa kesal membaca kutipan di atas karena belum pernah traveling. Saat itu gue berpikir tidak akan bisa traveling. Gue selalu sulit mendapat izin orang tua. Namun, seiring pertambahan usia, gue akhirnya mendapat izin untuk bepergian dan berangkatlah gue ke Singapura.

Gue tahu, Singapura bukan lagi tujuan asing bagi sebagian besar orang Indonesia (dan mungkin juga sebagian besar masyarakat dunia). Siapa yang tidak kenal Orchard Road dan Little India? Siapa tidak pernah mendengar tentang Patung Merlion? Sedikitnya, orang pasti pernah ke Singapura minimal satu kali. Bahkan bagi gue, perjalanan kemarin ini bukan yang pertama kalinya. Dulu, meski hanya setengah hari, gue sudah pernah merasakan makan di Little India dan mengunjungi Jurong Bird Park.

Meski begitu, perjalanan kemarin adalah kali pertama gue benar-benar berkeliling Singapura.

Hari 1: 2 Agustus 2015

Kami berangkat dari Bandara Soekarno-Hatta pada pukul 11.20. Karena Singapura tidak terlalu jauh, perjalanan hanya memakan waktu kurang lebih satu jam. Di pesawat, tempat duduk kami terpisah. Dua teman gue duduk bersama, sedangkan gue duduk di sebelah seorang nenek yang berasal dari Cibinong.

Seperti biasa kalau suasana hati gue sedang baik, gue bersedia bercakap-cakap (bahkan memulai percakapan) dengan orang asing. Begitu juga yang terjadi dengan si nenek ini. Beliau bercerita tentang tujuannya pergi ke Singapura, yaitu untuk mengunjungi besannya. Katanya, karena disibukkan dengan toko di Cibinong, mereka baru sempat pergi ke Singapura hari itu untuk halal bi halal. Awalnya gue pikir, langka sekali ada keluarga Muslim di Sngapura. Namun, ternyata memang begitu adanya (yang berarti pemikiran gue didasari oleh prasangka semata), dan justru (ini yang menarik) keluarga si nenek sebenarnya Katolik. Anak perempuannya menjadi mualaf setelah bertemu dengan suaminya. Kenapa menarik? Karena setahu gue, pemeluk agama Katolik sama taatnya dengan pemeluk agama Islam sehingga sulit dibayangkan bisa ada yang pindah agama. Tapi, begitulah adanya, dan itu membuktikan kepada saya bahwa tidak ada yang tidak mungkin. 

Sang nenek sangatlah baik. Beliau menawarkan gue makanan, yang jelas gue terima dengan senang hati karena gue memang lapar pada saat itu. Kemudian, saat gue kebingungan mengisi formulir imigrasi (karena itu adalah saat pertama bagi gue), beliau bahkan menawarkan formulir imigrasi anaknya untuk gue lihat sebagai contoh. Beliau bercerita bahwa dulu beliau pun sering bepergian bersama teman-teman ke luar negeri, tapi itu sudah lama sekali ketika masih muda. Sekarang, beliau sudah lupa cara mengisi formulir imigrasi. Gue menikmati perjalanan sambil mengobrol dengan beliau.

Sesampainya di Singapura, gue dan kedua teman langsung menuju tempat pembelian tourist pass agar kami bisa menggunakan transportasi umum Singapura seperti MRT. Kami membaca di blog seorang traveler bahwa tourist pass cukup memudahkan (dan memurahkan) turis untuk berkeliling Singapura. Untuk tiga hari, harganya dua puluh dolar Singapura. Untuk tiketnya sendiri seharga sepuluh dolar Singapura, menjadikannya total 30 SGD, tapi tiket itu bisa diuangkan kembali setelah tiga hari. Hal itu bagus karena bisa dijadikan uang pegangan. Kita akan masih punya 10 SGD saat pulang nanti.

Setelah membeli tourist pass, kami segera bergerak menuju halte MRT Lavender, karena penginapan kami berada di sekitar situ. Kami berencana untuk menaruh barang, lalu segera pergi. Karena kami hanya punya waktu tiga hari di Singapura, kami harus memanfaatkan waktu yang ada dengan sebaik-baiknya.

Nama penginapan kami adalah Gusti Bed and Breakfast. Pemiliknya bisa berbahasa Indonesia (dan menurut salah satu teman, di daerah itu memang ada banyak orang Indonesia), dan konon suaminya orang Bali. Namun, gue tidak bertanya-tanya lebih lanjut mengenai ini.

Satu hal yang menarik dari penginapan itu adalah dia berfungsi sebagai shared room. Artinya, nanti kami akan berbagi kamar dengan turis-turis lain, baik dari Indonesia maupun mancanegara. Laki-laki ataupun perempuan akan ditempatkan seadanya kamar kosong, yang berarti kami tidak bisa terlalu pilih-pilih. Awalnya, gue khawatir dengan keamanannya. Tapi, prospek bertemu traveler lain terlalu menyenangkan untuk diabaikan.

Saat kami tiba di sana, kamar kami kosong. Hanya ada sebuah koper dengan name tag yang menunjukkan nama yang sangat Indonesia. Kebetulan juga, kata si pemilik, hanya ada perempuan di kamar kami. Kami meletakkan barang-barang, kemudian segera pergi untuk petualangan pertama kami.

Makan di Little India
Menurut Google, ada Festival Makanan Singapura hari itu. Karena kami bingung mau makan apa dan festival makanan terdengar menarik, kami memutuskan akan mengunjungi festival itu terlebih dulu. Namun, di Google, tidak ada lokasi jelas mengenai keberadaan si festival. Kami bertanya pada pemilik penginapan, katanya terletak di seberang Bugis Junction. Itulah alasan Bugis Street jadi tempat pertama yang kami kunjungi.

Namun, saat kami tiba di Bugis Street, tidak terlihat adanya festival makanan. Kami memutuskan untuk bertanya pada salesperson yang sedang membagi-bagikan pamflet di depan Bugis Junction. Dia sangat baik; dia tidak tahu juga tentang lokasinya, tapi dia berusaha mencarikan di internet. Sayangnya, tidak ada petunjuk jelas mengenai si festival. Hingga hari ini, kami masih bingung festival itu ada di mana.

Karena lapar, kami akhirnya memutuskan makan yang paling aman kehalalannya, yaitu restoran vegetarian di Little India. Kami dipandu ke sana oleh seorang guru seni yang kami temui di jalan. Fara yang bertanya padanya. Dia merekomendasikan restoran Komala Villas. Jadilah, makanan pertama kami di Singapura adalah makanan India.

Chappati plate dan set nasi biryani

Meski kurang cocok di lidah gue, sehingga gue tidak bisa makan terlalu banyak, gue mau makan makanan India lagi dan lagi. Ini kedua kalinya gue makan set nasi biryani; yang pertama di restoran India vegetarian yang terletak tidak jauh dari Komala Villas, yaitu Ananda Bhavan. Rasanya kurang lebih sama.

Kesan gue saat berada di Little India adalah bahwa tempat itu sangat ramai. Gue tidak tahu seperti apa aslinya rupa kota di India, tapi Little India sendiri jelas berbeda dari tempat-tempat lain di Singapura yang nanti satu per satu akan gue ceritakan. Di Little India, pasar segar - atau kios-kios yang menjual buah, paling tidak - cukup banyak terlihat. Kemudian, banyak penjual gelang-gelang manik-manik. Lalu, ada wangi dupa atau semacamnya (?) yang cukup kentara di tiap toko yang kami kunjungi.

Laser Show @ Marina Bay Sands
Kami tidak menghabiskan banyak waktu di Little India karena konon ada pertunjukkan laser di Marina Bay Sands. Jadi, kami naik MRT ke sana. Kendaraan umum di Singapura, jika dibandingkan dengan di Indonesia, jauh sekali bedanya. Di sana, kendaraan umum memfasilitasi warga lokal maupun turis dengan  sangat baik. Petunjuknya jelas dan mudah dimengerti. Kita hanya perlu membaca. Ditambah lagi, bahasa Inggris merupakan salah satu bahasa dominan di sana sehingga untuk menanyakan arah bisa lebih mudah. Warga Singapura pun, mungkin karena Singapura adalah negara yang banyak dikunjungi, terbuka terhadap turis dan sangat membantu.

Pokoknya, malam itu, dengan mudah kami mencapai Marina Bay Sands. Dari stasiun MRT ke lokasi pertunjukan, kami berjalan kaki. Menurut gue, jaraknya tidak terlalu jauh. Jalanan di sana rapi dan lebih kosong daripada jalanan Jakarta, jadi kondisi untuk jalan kaki pun lebih nyaman.

Sesampainya di lokasi, kami disambut oleh gemerlap lampu hias tersebar di seluruh area. Ada patung-patung angka yang menunjukkan pertumbuhan negara Singapura. Ada musisi jalanan yang memainkan alat musik tradisional China. Ada bangku-bangku santai tempat berbaring menikmati sungai (atau laut?) di malam hari yang dikelilingi lampu-lampu bangunan pencakar langit Singapura.

Suasana seperti itu saja sudah indah buat gue, meski terlalu romantis untuk dinikmati bersama teman-teman sesama jomblo, tapi pertunjukkan lasernya jauh lebih indah. Luar biasa!

Anyway, kami harus segera pulang karena takut ketinggalan MRT terakhir. Jadilah kami tidak menonton pertunjukkan lasernya hingga akhir. Sebelum pulang, kami sempatkan mengejar foto dengan bianglala dan Esplanade yang terlihat seperti durian raksasa dari kejauhan. Mungkin karena capek setelah seharian bergerak nonstop, gue sedikit sebal karena sedikit-sedikit harus foto. Gue yang tidak suka durian jadi semakin sebal dengan durian karena seseorang memastikan dirinya foto dengan Esplanade sebagai latar dari berbagai sisi. Tapi, ini baru setengah hari pertama. Buat apa bersungut-sungut karena itu?

Teman-teman seperjalanan gue mengeluh kaki mereka sakit karena alas kaki yang mereka gunakan kurang memadai dari segi kenyamanan. Tapi, apa daya, kami harus berjalan agar sampai ke penginapan. Meski pelan-pelan, akhirnya kami tiba di stasiun MRT dan kemudian naik MRT sampai di Stasiun Lavender yang berada di dekat penginapan. Dari sana, kami jalan lagi ke penginapan.

First Roommates
Kami bertanya-tanya siapa yang akan jadi teman sekamar kami. Jelas sekali orang Indonesia, tapi orang yang seperti apa? Saat kami tiba di kamar, ternyata mereka adalah cewek-cewek seusia kami. Awalnya, kami merasa senang karena teman seusia berarti teman. Namun, setelah mengamati, mereka ini ternyata semacam snob. Tanpa maksud mendiskreditkan anak-anak gaul, karena gaul itu boleh saja dan malah keren di saat-saat tertentu, di mata gue saat itu, mereka ini cuma tahu gaul. Sedikit bodoh dan jelas ignorant meski katanya mereka lulusan universitas ternama.

Bagi gue, shared room berarti kita harus berinteraksi dengan penghuni kamar selain kita. Buat apa pilih shared room kalau kita mau memperlakukan kamar seolah itu hanya dihuni oleh kita dan teman-teman kita? Shared room tidak seperti kendaraan umum di mana kita bisa duduk tanpa menyapa kanan-kiri. Kalau mau begitu, ada baiknya silakan saja menyewa kamar pribadi.

Tapi, karena memiliki pendapat berbeda itu sah-sah saja, jadi gue harus memaklumi mereka yang kelihatannya memiliki pendapat berbeda ini. Sebelumnya, dari mana gue tahu mereka punya pendapat berbeda? Alkisah, di kamar itu ada penghuni lain seperti mereka, yaitu seorang bapak yang tidak kelihatan rupanya karena konon pergi dari pagi hingga larut malam.  Sepertinya ada kesalahpahaman antara pemilik penginapan dengan si bapak, karena pemilik penginapan memberikan tempat tidur si bapak untuk gue. Jadilah gue bertanya-tanya pada cewek-cewek ini tentang teman sekamar mereka. Ternyata, cewek-cewek ini tidak tahu-menahu tentang si bapak.

Ada hal yang lucu tentang ini. Cewek-cewek itu bilang mereka suka menggosipkan si bapak yang konon mengorok dengan keras. Gue diam saja karena gue saat itu sedang dalam mode pengamatan; gue belum tahu kisah mereka. Lalu, karena gue perlu berinteraksi dengan si bapak mengenai masalah tempat tidur itu, gue mengajaknya ngobrol. Awalnya, dalam bahasa Inggris. Kemudian, dalam bahasa Indonesia. Ternyata si bapak adalah orang Indonesia! Gue berpikir, bagaimana perasaan cewek-cewek itu begitu tahu si bapak orang Indonesia.

Hal lucu kedua tentang gosip cewek-cewek itu adalah karena ternyata dua dari mereka mengorok dengan jauh lebih keras daripada si bapak. Mereka itu sekumpulan lelucon.

Kekesalan gue terhadap cewek-cewek itu didasari oleh kesan tidak sopan yang mereka tampilkan. Tanpa izin, mereka memakai extension colokan yang ada di kamar. Kami pikir itu punya mereka, mereka pikir itu punya kami. Ternyata itu punya si bapak. Kalau mereka sopan, tentu mereka akan meminta izin dulu kepada kami kalau mereka benar berpikir itu punya kami. Sekarang, itu ternyata punya si bapak, dan bahkan setelah mereka tahu, mereka bersikap seolah mereka tidak mendengar. Bicaranya, sih, mau belanja di Sephora, mau naik taksi ke sana dan ke sini, pamer ini-itu ke sosial media... tapi dengan sopan-santun minus seperti itu, kalau gue jadi mereka, gue akan malu.

Ditambah lagi, mereka sangat menyebalkan soal miskomunikasi tempat tidur itu. Tipikal orang yang hanya banyak bicara tanpa memberikan solusi. Tapi, sungguh, kekesalan gue menguap begitu gue mendengar cewek-cewek itu mengorok dengan keras. Bukan karena mengoroknya, karena semua orang bisa mengorok, gue pun begitu - tapi lebih karena mereka SANGAT termakan omongan sendiri. Sungguh, lain kali gue mungkin lebih baik ikut bergosip dengan mereka tentang mereka sendiri. Betapa lucunya.

My Happiness Project

I was unhappy just recently. A friend of mine shared the same unhappiness. My unhappiness was mostly caused by the blunder at work, and it dragged me to the point where other things in my life seemed as helpless and pointless. I felt like a failure. And of course the fact that I am still single in an environment where my friends are getting married or having the time of their life with their significant others adds another element of despair.

Thus, we, the unhappy people, decided to work on our happiness project. Basically, the idea is to open up more and to be grateful of little things in life, such as trying new things. In tonight's post, I would like to share how our happiness project going.

1) A jar of yearly happiness.

This project has actually been going on since last year, when I was working on my bachelor thesis. I was happy then, but I saw this brilliant idea on Instagram/Tumblr, and I was inspired to work on my own yearly happiness. So what you have to do is to write on a piece of small paper the things or moments that make you happy, or at least smile. The importance of this project is to appreciate the small happiness in your everyday life. It will go into effect when you look at your jar and see it filled with small rolls of paper, and when you open them all on the last day of the year. You will realize then how you are blessed with many happiness throughout the year. It reminds you to be thankful over and over again.

2) Quora

Quora is a website for open discussions about many things. My friend recommended it to me. We are both often take life too seriously and, man, are we thinkers. We contemplate about a lot of things: about finding love, about being judged by appearance, about not being beauty enough according to society's standards, about happiness, about religion and faith, about money, about the philosophy of life. In Quora, you meet many over-contemplating people alike, and you encounter many interesting questions and answers that just help channeling your inner thirst for discussion. Believe me, engaging yourself in Quora helps you (especially if you are as curious about the society with whom we live today as my friend and I). 

So far, the two things help me finding happiness. They free a little part of me who wants to fly away from the maze called reality. And they help me see that reality's not all bad.

3) Being a 'Yes' Man/Woman
Opening up and seeing life with new (better) perspective, more positive outlook, are easier said than done. However, being a 'Yes' woman can be one of the ways to start. My friend starts to use online community app to connect with new people, therefore creating new bonds and bringing fresh experience to her life. She also starts to accept blind dates arranged by her friends, therefore, again, creating new bonds and bringing fresh experience. Although it doesn't necessarily mean a lover is guaranteed for her, getting to know new people and expanding her world help her to see how small her problems are compared to the wide, wide universe surrounding her. As for me, I am not so lucky to have blind dates arranged for me (yet), but I try my best to believe my new connections are just around the corner.  

For those of you who happen to encounter similar problems and need to find happiness, I recommend the three for you. x

On Leaving School and Moving Forward

For those of you who don't know (and who might care enough to read this post - I know one of my students follow my blog, so this is for if you read it), I am leaving school. It'll probably be official on July 5. The reason of leaving is not important for you, but just know that IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF YOU GUYS. Students were never the reason.

Anyway, I think it is great to know that in that short period, I got new friends. I made new bonds. I know this because earlier someone sent me the quote about friends and she told me I am a good enough friend. It warmed my heart, truly. And some fellow teachers actually told me they will miss me when I'm gone. I don't know if this is the Leo part in me (I'm actually the Cusp of Exposure, so I'm part-Leo, part-Virgo), but those kinds of thing make me happy; you know, to be liked. It sounds pathetic, I know.

Some of my students also said that they will miss me, and - this was the surprising part - some of them declared that I was one of their favorite teachers. I have zero talent in teaching, and I am aware some students (if not all) see me as an Omega, so the declaration came off as a pleasant surprise for me. At least they consider me as a friend. I'd like to keep it that way if they would.

Unfortunately, this melancholy is not enough to keep me here. Overall, I still think my decision to leave work at school is the best for us all, although it had been completely unannounced until the very last second and I really am sorry for that. 

Hence, now is the time for another new chapter in 2015. I honestly don't want to look back at the unfortunate events that have happened if it is not necessary. I got my life back, why bother getting burnt by the past? Let's just hope this one lasts longer that the previous one.

I just talked to my mother about my longing heart. Everything in my life lately is about the longing to go, not toward someplace, but from here. About the longing to find God not in a place where God's name has been stained with prejudice and extremity and fanaticism. About the longing to escape from the suffocating reality of a "dry, yeastless factuality".

Sometimes I wonder if she regrets having let me study at the faculty of humanities. I wonder if she regrets having let me read all the books I've read. But my world has become so small; it's trapping me inside. It has become so limited. I am chained to my own life.

Hence, I live many lives. I acquaint myself with great books because

A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading. (William Styron)

 I am so at a point of no return.

Learning from "Life a Pi"

I'm still reading Yann Martel's Life of Pi since months ago, not because I find it boring, but because I can't find the right time to snuggle up and absorb every word of it (and because reading it on my phone brings me headache). Now that I have the book, I'm rereading it from the beginning.

I think at least I have gone through the first chapters of Life of Pi three times and it still fascinates me. Earlier today, an acquaintance told me that this book is a weird book, and I just laughed but I didn't quite understand why. As an over-analyzing person, I reflected on what makes the book appealing to me. Then it occurred to me that the first chapters are about religion and its spirituality. My acquaintance, as far as I know, is not a spiritual person. At least, not that I know of. That's probably why she finds it weird. 

However, if you've read my previous posts, you know how I am attracted to religious stuff more than I'm willing to admit to anyone outside my college circle of friends (of course, because it's them with whom I talk about this subject the most). 

Anyway, I re-encountered my favorite quote today

I find the quote strongly affects me. It does not only say that the essence - or the "soul" - of every religion (at least the three that are mentioned here) is basically the same, but also that we need to see through the differences in rites and practices. If everyone sees this like Martel, wouldn't life be more peaceful?

Saying that Martel was trying to suggest religious toleration using this quote might diminish the true meaning he had in mind while writing the story (because I think it's deeper than toleration; it's about seeing religion apart from its layer of practice and rites, but then again, Oscar Wilde told us that art mirrors its spectator, which in this case, is me).

Anyway, I really like the depiction of Pi. Similar to what I went through with Bodhi in Supernova: Akar (2002), I can really relate myself to Pi's journey of finding God. This book liberated me from my incapability and limitation to experience and to choose because it illustrated that liberty enough as Pi bathed in the clarity of the three religions. 

I am at a loss for words, so I can only say that the world needs more inspiring books like this.