A Projected Image

I am a projected image

A best friend in need

An obsessed lover

A loud and vocal girl

Foul-mouthed maiden

Straight As student

Fragile damsel in distress

Independent lady

Liberal thinker

Years gone by and only now I see

What am I but a projected image?

When does the inside matter?

Ranjana/Tikta

Ranjana -- seperti itulah kamu terlihat
Tapi kamu itu Tikta
Orang tanya apa yang kulihat darimu
Perlukah kujelaskan?
Tak urung kujawab juga pertanyaan bodoh mereka
Kukatakan hatimu terbuat dari emas
Persahabatan denganmu saja nilainya berat seberat emas

Ranjana si penggoda yang selalu tertawa
Ranjana yang selalu disukai orang
Sedangkan Tikta--
Ah, siapa yang tahu Tikta
Buat apa kenal Tikta jika kau sudah kenal Ranjana
Padahal Ranjana adalah Tikta dan Tikta adalah Ranjana
Padahal Ranjana tidak ada kalau bukan untuk Tikta

Sedang aku--aku melihat Tikta
Nyaman dan aman bergelung di balik Ranjana
Rapi sekali tertutupi hingga mudah terlewatkan
Kutanya, kenapa, Tikta?
Kenapa tidak keluar ke hadapan orang?
Orang merasa, Tikta menjawab
Sudah cukup orang merasa, biar Ranjana jadi wajahku

Letter to 2014 me

Hello myself,
Today is the last day of 2013.
In just a few hours, you will enter a new year. And like every new year, you are turning a new page. A clean, white sheet of paper. It is your chance to start over.

It is good that this year, you've got a chance to look back at what you have become. You've got a chance to replay your high school moments. You've got a chance to confront yourself and make up your mind. And you've got a chance to make some great decisions.

You can see now that you were on the hook for too long,
and you have decided to let go.

You can see that you were someone's shadow for years,
and you have gone bad to escape the pain,
but it eventually led you to your own light.

You can see how some people would always think she's better,
but it does not matter to you anymore because you have great friends.

And, in the end, you see that you don't have to be anyone else.
You just have to be with people who make you feel great about yourself.

So, in 2014, you'd better thank God for giving you these friends and promise Him you will be more aware of the blessings He has given you. He put you through all those years because He was leading you to meet these awesome people who keep bringing out the best in you. Start being a better person by being more thankful and stop complaining.



Love,

the 2013 me.

The ultimate stepping stone

When all is said and done, there must always be one last thing left.

I've tried this and that and still my heart's hollow. I know what I need to do, that is to cry out my heart, but people keep telling me to be strong, be tough, don't whine, move on, don't be alone... well, you know what? To hell with it. I believe in cry as a form of strength so I cried. I cried and I cried and I had a waaay better sleep last night than what I had had the other nights.

So, my world, my choice.

I don't love him

I don't love him.
I told him I thought I liked him, but no, I don't love him.
He likes other girls. Wait... no, he likes her and her. Just these two girls.
I had my broken heart when I figured that out. But wait, there was one thing left for me to do.
So I did.
I confessed.
You see, I had always been confused of how my feelings toward him should be.
Should... I like him as a friend? Or... should I like him as a potential boyfriend?
And once I had my heart broken, I noticed how I might have liked him as the latter.
So, I confessed and ta-dah!
The aftereffect was not that painful.
So I guess, I might have just been slightly care more about him than I did about anyone else.
No, I don't really want him to be my boyfriend, but I want to shower him with attention.
What do you call this feeling?
It cannot be a crush, right?
I already knew that were we together, we would have a lot of disagreement.
We have different lifestyles, different preferences, different ways of handling conflicts.
We are both self-centered, stubborn, likes to dominate the talk; we are both different.
And that were we together, the only thing that will keep us together is how we make up for each other.
If we have a fight, he will come to me and ask me what's wrong.
He will be persistent in requiring the reason of me being mad or upset.
He will sit with me for hours until I give in.
He will talk to me with soothing tone until I speak up even though he will raise his tone later.
And if I insist not to tell him why, he will remember until two weeks later. Or more.
He will try to casually fish out the truth from me still even after two weeks.
And if we have had the talk, we will be much nicer to each other.
Each fight is a step in a staircase toward closeness.
Were we together, we will have lots of fights because we are different.
We will break each others' hearts but we will also be the one to glue it back together.
But he doesn't know this much. Not as I do.
So I know we will not be together. We cannot be.
Because it will be good for me, but possibly not for him. 
My heart is smart enough to acknowledge this.
So, no, I don't love him.

Him (11)

Hi, it's been a while :)
We've been so occupied with what we have to do and there's no way to avoid it. I was mad at you. I was mad at this. Perhaps I've hurt you in some ways. Perhaps I've doubled your burden; I don't know. But I've waited to talk so we can finish it off, and I will still wait to talk until we have enough. But before we do the talking, I'm glad to see us smiling. Start over even though it is unsaid. And the tender feeling wraps me all over, driving my mind to you.

If there's a way of peeking into your mind, would what I find there beautiful? If there's a key to your heart, will I found what I had hoped for

And tonight I'm left with the memory of your smile in my subconscious mind.

[originally written at April 15, 2013]

Him (10)

It is.
Awkward, I mean.
Despite the times we've spent together and the serious talk about the serious matter, I just can't seem to find a way to feel comfortable around you.

Today we've ridden together without talking.
And now I'm left with you sleeping.
Again, no talk.
I know what would happen when you wake up.
We'll be in silence.

Or...
Maybe I don't know.
We seem to communicate better when there's just the two of us.
That, I'm not sure why.

Now I don't know you at all.
I don't know us at all.
Oh, I'm sure if you have just a bit of what I feel toward you, you would already be courting me.
But then sometimes I'm not sure.

I'm afraid of knowing the truth.

And honestly a bit afraid of challenging myself to try again.
Loving someone, I mean.

(HMJ, March 11, 2013)