All over the place!

My thoughts are scattered all over the place! I'll try to sum them up in one paragraph each. Let's see how it works.

How I am valued

Just yesterday, one of my closest friends and I had a serious talk about this guy with whom I used to spent lots of time together. He told me that if this guy's not right for me, I don't have to worry because - indeed it was the term he used - I am a "valuable woman". Oh, he meant good... even though then he said I'm not ugly and I look cute and I look like a good girl... so I asked him whether my value had been just about looks. He told me it hadn't been so, that I also have a good inner side; but the priority is crystal clear, isn't it? Boys, I thought. Well, I still feel thankful for him because he humored me and he really meant good. He's a sincere friend. There's no doubt about it.

Again, my (not so) pathetic, pathetic working life

I have to admit that I have been unfair and too hard on my new environment. I talked to some of my friends and they, too, don't like their first job (even one has submitted her resignation letter!). Hence, I thought jobs must be simply suck, probably especially first jobs. And meeting up with old friends makes me realize that my world is wide. It is not limited to a certain environment. So now it's up to me: will I let my sickening and maddening working environment ruin MY ENTIRE LIFE? I love my life better than that. Then, I guess it's time to see life with a more positive outlook. YOUR LIFE IS BIGGER AND FAR MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR JOB, REALLY.

We're so living in a stereotypical world and Allegiant (2013) sums it up

"But now I am wondering if I need it anymore, if we ever really need these words, 'Dauntless', 'Erudite', 'Divergent', 'Allegiant', or if we can just be friends or lovers or siblings, defined instead by the choices we make and the love and loyalty that binds us." (Roth: 2013, p. 134).

Now replace the name of the factions and groups with religions or races or ethnicity. You see? The Divergent series are a simplified reality.

Some thoughts on "IMPULSE FOR THE HOMOGENOUS"

Last week I googled collective sadism for my writing project and found this:

The Hatred of Nations

Basically it is about how the "impulse for the homogenous", or the tendency toward homogeneity, drives nations to hatred toward other nations (but do read the article and correct me if I got it wrong). 

I read the article and it was not about the hatred of nations that I understood; instead, it was about how the impulse for the homogenous is probably the core of almost all major problems we face today (and older days).

Name it. Racism, gender inequality, religions intolerance... these are only some of the problems I am sure we are all familiar with. Racism is strongly related to America, be it back in the days or today in its post-racial issues, but it also happened in Indonesia with the alienated Chinese people. Gender inequality, on the other hand, is an issue that is still hotly debated. People have long started to realize the importance of gender equality - proven with the ever-growing feminism - but then there's its counterstrike: meninism. I don't know if the phenomenon is a match for years of feminism growth, but it could be the beginning. Then there's religions intolerance, my favorite subject, which is the most visible major problem in Indonesia. It is tragic really, considering Indonesia was once regarded as a diverse and tolerant country. 

After reading the first article (The Hatred of Nations), I rethought my understanding about these problems and realize that it is likely that they were caused by the same impulse for the homogenous. For racism, it is clear that white people strongly disliked the different skin color. Actually, it wasn't dislike they started with. It started with the thought that the color difference meant different place on Earth, creating some sort of caste system, because there was the arrogance of white supremacy. In Indonesia, on the other hand, the racism against Chinese people wasn't originated from the color difference. It had something to do with political issues and communism, but in the end everything associated with Chinese characteristics (which means including their looks) decided the treatment they received.

Gender inequality was clearly caused by the tendency toward homogeneity because there are judgments toward women: that women are incapable, weak, the second sex. These judgments were made by the other sex, which is obviously male, and since then created an image of what women are. But before we discuss this issue deeper, let's not confuse gender and sex. Putting it simply, sex is male and female (the biological difference; between the one with penis and the one with vagina), and gender is man and woman (the stereotype of male and female's characteristics, that is the masculinity and the femininity). There are people who overgeneralized and associate gender with sex, saying a female must be feminine and a male must be masculine when it actually doesn't always have to be that way. Anyway, the decision that women are the second sex were made by men who thought that their sex was better. Come to think of it, did they really think that being physically stronger and thinking more logically make them the better sex? I don't think of myself as a feminist, but surely I oppose this idea. Back to the topic, I'm just saying that the very own thought that men can judge and put women in their 'place' was probably caused by the very impulse for the homogenous itself. It's basically drawing a bold line between men and women.

And finally we get to the last one: religions intolerance. This, I will based on my conversation with my friend earlier. This is an issue that has long been heard in the world, but only recently did I take notice of it. I think it started in 2012 or so for me. As far as I see, there is no firm ground for religions toleration in Indonesia. Religion has been a sensitive issue for years because it is related to our beliefs. For me, I don't see why people make it a problem because one's belief is related to one's inner self. There is no judge there, there is no standard there, there is no evaluation there. The proof that one has believed correctly is a matter in God's hand and no one but oneself would be there on the Judgment Day (or the Underworld, or the reincarnation circle, or whatever people believe in). Having faith in a religion is like taking an exam for a lifetime. The score comes out in our death. Religion is that simple for me.

Don't fuss and be a prick who preaches right and wrong because you just fucking don't know, but alas, not everyone shares my value. This is so related to that very impulse for the homogenous because some people think their religion is the correct one and thus, any difference is wrong. God, I don't know how many times I should highlight that truth is subjective. People just can't see, can they? This impulse is okay if they just keep it to themselves, yet they have to act on it. They have to exterminate those who are different. If something does not go along with their religious moral compass, they just have to fix it. They do not see that not everyone's moral compasses head the same way. Obviously, this creates a never-ending conflict in Indonesia, especially because some of the majority of Indonesian population are freak fanatics who think they're better than everyone else. Please, like they already have the guarantee of being sent to Heaven. 

Anyway, my point is that the impulse for the homogenous is a scary thing, but it is also a very humane characteristic. I mean, to create these major conflicts, it must be a viral thing. This impulse is not only felt by one or two people; it influences a group of people. No wonder it appears in my Google search for collective sadism. 

* * *

P.S. I just remembered that the Hitler case was also caused by a clear and strong impulse for the homogenous. Really, humans are scary. Even myself scares me.

Some thoughts on MARRIAGE

Marriage

Really. Marriage. If you are in your early-to-mid 20s and you live in Indonesia, marriage is a subject you cannot avoid. It is viral - even more than a gossip on the internet. Marriage used to be a topic only overly nosy aunts and uncles had the guts to ask, but now it is among even peers. Unwilling peers, in my case.

Oh, do not be mistaken. We do want to marry our asses off, but it is something easier said than done and people just cannot see that. It is probably because they don't see what we see and vice versa, or the meaning and goal of marriage is just different for us.

Of course when you talk about marriage, love comes to mind. At least, it is that way for me. Who doesn't want to marry for love? Seeing the love of your life walks to you and hold your hands in his and looks at you with the promise of forever are the beautiful things related with the image of marriage. I want that. I believe most people do. Some people are lucky enough to get the whole package, but others are not that lucky (although, then again, the definition of lucky is relative). I do not want to think that I am unlucky despite the fact that sometimes it is hard to not think that way, but let's just use one perspective of lucky here: girls who marry at their early 20s are lucky - it is better if they marry for love. 

So you see, the focus of marriage in Indonesia for girls at our early 20s has shifted. It is no longer the dream of the perfect one; it is the age deadline. Love is a bonus. When you reach, say, 23, people start approaching you and ask when you'll marry or who's your future husband. And when you say you don't know yet, they start preaching you and telling you that girls should not delay marriage... as if there's not enough deadline in life. 

At first, it was really hard to not get mad when people preach. I had thought it was unfair. Not everyone has the chance to meet the apple of their eyes so soon in life! But that's when it struck me: people keep focusing on the age deadline that they no longer see the beautiful things (and then again, the definition of beautiful is also relative). It led me, by the way, to another clarity: people want different things. 

Some people see marriage as a means to achieve happiness. Probably they want to be united with their true love. Other people see marriage as a safety belt. Marriage provides security, insurance, stability, the guarantee that you won't be alone on your deathbed. Religious people see marriage as a means to avoid sins and adultery - for girls: a handover from parents to husbands. 

Oh, those views are fine. What's not fine is how people force their view on marriage to other people. They mean well, of course, but it kinda hurt my feelings sometimes. To be honest, I used to dream of marrying the perfect guy at 23, but when I reached 21 it all changed. Marriage becomes something so faraway and unimaginable in the near future. I'm 22 and still it's not in my imagined near future. First, because of the nonexistent boyfriend. Second, because there are things I wanna try first. I want to be settled in life before sharing it with anyone for the rest of it.

I think it is safe to say that if I had a boyfriend right now, I probably wouldn't say the same. I probably would be planning the perfect wedding in my mind. But I don't have one, so yeah. But do I regret it? Do I feel sorry for myself? It turns out to be a big no because I find myself chasing other goals. Trust me, I have plenty of it. You're probably thinking that I'm in denial and that's your choice, but really - life is not just about preparing ourselves to marry.

What I feel sorry about is how people think that my kind of girls are unlucky. That we are picky or worse: that we are not picked. I feel sorry about how people think there is a deadline for marriage and those who pass it are pitiable. But I feel sorry the most for people who think us girls live for marriage and that our worth is decided by our marriageability.

A bit enlightened

I've been doing some thinking and I decided that the problem doesn't lie with my job and the huge stack of responsibility; instead, it lies with the people I work with. 

I know that according to the Dalai Lama, 

...and I totally agree! But it feels so hard for me these days that I have to give up this value that I shared with Dalai Lama.

I have been teaching for almost three months now, and it is still too soon to conclude anything, but I really cannot help thinking this way. This, by the way, I realize just recently because I just recently hung out with other people at school with whom I have not really worked together, and suddenly school became enjoyable. 

Of course that is because I don't hang out with them all the time - and that got me thinking perhaps I should just let it be because hanging out with them all the time, which means knowing almost everything about them, can make me stop liking them - but I want to keep it that way for now. I am so exhausted working with some people that I really appreciate an escape. Sad, because I have had no need for any escape back in college. 

Earlier today, my student told me that he did not like the school. He said that kind of thing to me quite often. The first one was at Yogya, when he told me to be straightforward with him and that he was tired with the flowery words people at school used to cover the ugly truth. Then some complains about one of his teachers - how she could be so arrogant and too institutional at times - then this. 

I don't know how many times and in how many different medias I have to say I couldn't agree more.

I don't like the school either for many reasons he and I might share if we dug deeper into this topic. I also found that most of the people here are the type of people I loath the most. You know, the people with sweet mouth and hidden agenda. The two-faced kind of people. My God, I hope they can be just honest and true and humble... because at times, they could be these arrogant snobs who think they know everything. Really, I admire the beauty of not knowing AND wanting to learn - a beauty that is seemingly expired here and now.

Speaking of arrogant snobs, I also found that the teacher my student referred to earlier was arrogant. I have my issues with her myself, so I might have slightly different reasons for this. I do not really want to go further into this, so let's just say that there are times I cannot stand her being a bitch about work. She's not bitching, she's being the bitch. But, yeah, some people are meant to be bitches or else the world will be a boring place filled with only prudes and apathetic people.

You see, this way of thinking is what makes me find myself relate more with him more often than with fellow teachers. And this way of thinking is not acceptable for a person in my position. Although, notice that I only mention him because not all students share the same thought and not all students have this progressive way of thinking. 

However, today, at the end of the conversation with him, his concluding remarks slapped me: "I don't like this school, but I tried to do something to make it better!" which shouldn't have been unexpected because he is seemingly just that kind of person. I used to be that kind of person, too, who does not dwell in misery and despair from a hopeless situation. 

Now, I don't know if what I'm doing now can be considered as doing something to make it better because I am aware that I complain a lot about a lot of things. I've been feeling so unhappy, but I don't remember doing something to make it better. Sure I write a lot lately, and I read a lot, and I keep watching and re-watching movies... and those do make my life a little more bearable. Still, I should be able to do something really significant that can make it truly better. He's been here for almost two years, while I'm in here for barely three months, but I'm years older than him and been through many tough situations, so I hope by the end of the semester, I can find something to do to make it all better.

Dying Dreams

Earlier this week, my friend asked me to review his second short article criticizing a theater performance he watched and was disappointed with. Last night, he told me it has been published and asked me to comment on it. This morning, I read it. 

It was an easily understood article. His arguments were strongly elaborated, his complicated and literally-translated terms were sufficiently explained, the article was introduced and concluded nicely... so overall, I think it was a good article. Surely it was, because it has been published. 

Reading the article, I felt a bit nostalgic because, first, criticizing art (movies, books, etc) was what we did in college and it has been so long since I last did it seriously. Second, it was because my friend used the theory I had used as a tool in my thesis. That is, the adaptation theory by Linda Hutcheon. But that doesn't matter.

I also felt proud for him because he wrote something worth reading and even got it published. As far as I know, he hadn't wanted to be a writer or journalist, so I could only think that getting published was probably not his aim; getting people to know how he think about the play is. Hence, I was happy for him.

However, and this is so low of me, I feel kinda sad. I had been the one who wanted to be journalist and here I am, stuck with the job I hadn't wanted the most. And I envy him because he used everything he learned at college - not the grammar part, because he wrote in Bahasa - and got where he is right now. He looks like everything I want to be; everything I had dreamed of - not just a journalist, but also a critical one. 

Considering what I have been doing up to now, I am nowhere near my dream of becoming a journalist. Nevermind the critical one. This got me questioning: is my dream dying now? Am I now too occupied with my job? I can't help thinking that way, because working as a full-timer really occupies my life, but no. That is not the problem. 

To be completely honest, back when I didn't have a job (and was frantically looking for one), I didn't even think much of being a journalist. I hadn't applied for a journalist position - I had applied for editor or translator position because those were what I liked best. Even up till now. What's more, I hadn't tried to write anything critical and post it on some media. I hadn't used everything that matters that I had learned in college to create anything worth considering. During my vacant period, I had only been looking for a secure job. Something to guarantee a constant income so I can live from month to month.

It doesn't mean I was wrong. Being jobless for six months could really turn your head spinning, and we, the fresh graduates, were well-informed that not having a job means being a burden for your family, your country, and your own. We knew that we could no longer burden our family; we have been funded for 12 years of school, if not 16 years in total including higher institution. But most of all, we longed for that bit of independence. For standing on our own feet, paying by ourselves for everything, being able to treat the family that has been there for us. For starting from scratch by ourselves and creating our own rules for our little world. Having a job is the first step for all that.

So, yeah, probably my dream to become a journalist is dying. Has been dying for a while now. I exchanged it with the dream of being independent. So I got what I wanted. It's just that after three months and not liking what I do, I'm sorry for not trying more things before settling. Being a critical journalist, though could be a permanent job, needs more trial-and-errors. If not from applying directly to the media, it can start with what my friend just did. 

Still, trying to look at things with positive outlook, what I'm doing can be seen as a trial-and-error. I am trying this out and so far the end results are errors, but that's okay because then I know this is not for me. Meanwhile, I can continue pursuing my other dream: to be a writer. Not doing what I like gives me enough time and will to do what I like best. That is, writing. And writing, especially writing fiction, has flexible hours. 

Okay, some of my dreams are dying (or frozen, as I prefer to think it can be relived someday), but there are certain dreams whose pursuit means sacrificing other dreams. Nothing's wrong with that as long as you are fully conscious when you make your choices and you are aware that each choice has consequences.

The Truth Recently

They say what matters is not the way people feel about you; instead, it's how they make you feel about yourself. And I am so unhappy right now that I know this whole situation might be really wrong for me.

I have been complaining since almost the very start... had thought it would pass but eventually it became more and more serious. I'm disgusted with myself and I feel so low and in a way I feel trapped. School is clearly not the right institution for me. When I was a student, I had hated it. When I am a teacher, I still hate it very much the same. I think and think and wander if I'm just exaggerating. I had thought it was perhaps because I wasn't ready for work. Had believed it was perhaps because I was still caught up in the utopia of college's lifestyle and way of thinking. Maybe it was.

But it hasn't stopped.

I hate the bureaucracy. I hate the formalities. I hate the rules. I hate the limitations. I hate that the students' way of thinking needs to be shaped. I hate the complains. I hate the nagging. I hate the never ending expectations. I hate the standards I have to fulfill. I hate that teachers are responsible for the students' scores. I hate that parents intervene with the way education is carried out. On top of it all, I hate myself because I feel this way. It makes me sick.

I hate it when I hate the world around me. It makes me feel pathetic and despicable. I hate school and I am incapable of being a teacher, and I hate it when I feel incapable. It makes me feel unworthy. And because this cycle of hatred has finally reached this level, it makes me realize school is just not for me. 

My problem doesn't lie with the students. Come on, they're students. They're young and only half-exposed to the world. Some are pains in the ass, some others are all sugar, while some others just so-and-so. It's normal. The core problem is that I am not a teacher at heart. Looking at those young people, I don't have the desire to teach them ABC or telling right from wrong; instead, I desire to befriend them or simply neglect the problematic ones. I desire to talk to them about their lives. About their dreams. I desire to be their friend. And that's neither correct nor can happen.

Being a teacher, I am told, means there's a certain gap you have to establish so that students respect you. There are formalities you need to assign to the class so that students know their place. You can behave the way you want outside classrooms, but there is a set of rules inside. I can't separate the two.

I have long known and felt that there are better things beyond formalities. That respect has nothing to do with the way you address or are addressed. That gap doesn't mean people know their place - sometimes it just means they don't want to have anything to do with you, and other times it just means that they drive further away from you.

The same person who told me all the perks of being formal doesn't even gain the students' respect. How ironic. But then again, school has always been a formal institution. My first mistake was waltzing back in.

Speaking of formalities, I also have a problem with the hierarchy here. Fuck hierarchy, really. And fuck conflicts of interests. I want to elaborate more, but that can wait. I need to organize my thoughts better so it won't come out as simply an outburst.

Review: Come on, Cinderella.

When I heard that there is a live action remake of Disney's Cinderella, I had hoped for a plot twist like they did with Maleficent. But, alas, what I got was a two-hours of beautiful dresses and a tale of a girl who was too kind for her own good.

Perhaps this was because I'm a skeptic and I don't believe pure kindness can get you anywhere at all. There's a fine line between kind and stupid, and Ella was more to the stupid side. She couldn't stand up for herself, she couldn't say no, she couldn't protect the house she kept saying she loved for her mother and father... so what did she actually do for good? She waited for the right prince to come and sweep her off her feet. Only then was she able to chin up and waltz out of the house. 

There was an additional scene where Ella and the Prince met in the forest for the first time. I don't know if it was meant to show that the Prince fell for Ella's natural beauty/charming wit in contrast with the original version where they met for the first time at the ballroom with Cinderella wrapped in her all princessy dress, still...

Well said, Elsa! You see, with Frozen and Maleficent, I thought Disney had made a change of direction and is heading to a more women-empowering approach for their movies. However, because of this too high of an expectation, I am disappointed with how Cinderella turned out to be. The additional scene changed next to nothing, especially because her 'wit' was not so much of a wit. "Just because it's what's done, it doesn't mean it should be done" -  really? Sounded like simply quoting from another source. (Okay, maybe I'm too harsh. I know it was supposed to refer to the tradition of princes marrying princesses because in the end, Kit the Prince disobeyed the tradition and married Ella the commoner). 

Speaking of wit (and advice), the "Have courage and be kind" advice from Ella's mother seemed to be ignored by Ella in most of her life because simply, none of her action after her father died represented courage and kindness. She couldn't say no, so it wasn't kindness. She was okay being moved to the attic, so it wasn't courage. She remained quiet while being treated less than what she deserved so it wasn't a form of kindness - it was stupidity and cowardice. The only time she was able to say no to her stepmother was when the Prince came to her house and officially asked for her to see him.

I had expected too much... Part of me had expected to see a breathtaking and mind-shaking retelling like the one Intan Paramaditha did in Perempuan Buta Tanpa Ibu Jari. Another part of me had expected more elaboration on the step-family's characters, but even that they didn't do. However, I couldn't blame Disney because Cinderella is one of the most famous classic story, and despite the truth that she is no princess, the truest princess with all the magic and transformation.

Probably even Disney doesn't have the heart to ruin Cinderella's magically happy ending for their audience.

Courtesy of images: Google