On Leaving School and Moving Forward

For those of you who don't know (and who might care enough to read this post - I know one of my students follow my blog, so this is for if you read it), I am leaving school. It'll probably be official on July 5. The reason of leaving is not important for you, but just know that IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF YOU GUYS. Students were never the reason.

Anyway, I think it is great to know that in that short period, I got new friends. I made new bonds. I know this because earlier someone sent me the quote about friends and she told me I am a good enough friend. It warmed my heart, truly. And some fellow teachers actually told me they will miss me when I'm gone. I don't know if this is the Leo part in me (I'm actually the Cusp of Exposure, so I'm part-Leo, part-Virgo), but those kinds of thing make me happy; you know, to be liked. It sounds pathetic, I know.

Some of my students also said that they will miss me, and - this was the surprising part - some of them declared that I was one of their favorite teachers. I have zero talent in teaching, and I am aware some students (if not all) see me as an Omega, so the declaration came off as a pleasant surprise for me. At least they consider me as a friend. I'd like to keep it that way if they would.

Unfortunately, this melancholy is not enough to keep me here. Overall, I still think my decision to leave work at school is the best for us all, although it had been completely unannounced until the very last second and I really am sorry for that. 

Hence, now is the time for another new chapter in 2015. I honestly don't want to look back at the unfortunate events that have happened if it is not necessary. I got my life back, why bother getting burnt by the past? Let's just hope this one lasts longer that the previous one.

Almost!

"You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down." - Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon

“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.”  - Robert A. Heinlein

“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything - anger, anxiety, or possessions - we cannot be free.” - Thich Nhat Hanh, The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching: Transforming Suffering into Peace, Joy, and Liberation

“And the turtles, of course...all the turtles are free, as turtles and, maybe, all creatures should be.” - Dr. Seuss, Yertle the Turtle and Other Stories

“If other people do not understand our behavior—so what? Their request that we must only do what they understand is an attempt to dictate to us. If this is being "asocial" or "irrational" in their eyes, so be it. Mostly they resent our freedom and our courage to be ourselves. We owe nobody an explanation or an accounting, as long as our acts do not hurt or infringe on them. How many lives have been ruined by this need to "explain," which usually implies that the explanation be "understood," i.e. approved. Let your deeds be judged, and from your deeds, your real intentions, but know that a free person owes an explanation only to himself—to his reason and his conscience—and to the few who may have a justified claim for explanation.” - Erich Fromm, The Art of Being 

 “She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom.” - Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

 “Free at last, Free at last, Thank God almighty we are free at last.” - Martin Luther King Jr., I Have a Dream: Writings and Speeches That Changed the World

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So, the reason behind these rows of quotes about freedom is the fact that I have submitted my resignation letter to the school. Well, technically, it was not a letter, but I have spoken to the human resource division and they warmly welcomed my resignation. 

I cannot explain how I thankful I was for being received so pleasantly although she said how hard it is to find new teachers, especially when I notified them in such short notice. In my defense, there is no rule in the legal contract that says I have to notify them at least three months before the end of the contract term. I was still in probation period, anyway. We would have to sit and talk about the continuation of my stay there, anyway. And I have planned to quit, anyway. 

The only problem now is my co-worker, my partner in class, the one who hired me. I haven't told her yet, but I think I will as soon as the term really ends. That means I probably will do it after the graduation. 

My attitude toward this whole thing is sorry not sorry. I am not too sorry about leaving the school in such difficult situation because I just am not. There are too many painful things there and I'd better save my ass before it stuck longer and I can't bail. I know I've made the right decision for now because I felt lighthearted almost as soon as I notified the school.

If you (or anyone) must know, the students were never the reason for me to leave. They could be difficult at times, they could be really disrespectful and think of me more as a peer than a teacher, but they were not so much a pain in the ass. As I am sure I have mentioned somewhere on my previous posts, they were teenagers. They were of age. And they were what teacher is about. I see them the way I see documents that need translating: they are not wrong. The fault is in the aspects surrounding them. 

I won't spoil your reading by giving further detail about the fault because it has been enough said in this post and in other posts regarding my soon-to-be ex-job. Just bear in mind that I am happy enough to have my life back.

I just talked to my mother about my longing heart. Everything in my life lately is about the longing to go, not toward someplace, but from here. About the longing to find God not in a place where God's name has been stained with prejudice and extremity and fanaticism. About the longing to escape from the suffocating reality of a "dry, yeastless factuality".

Sometimes I wonder if she regrets having let me study at the faculty of humanities. I wonder if she regrets having let me read all the books I've read. But my world has become so small; it's trapping me inside. It has become so limited. I am chained to my own life.

Hence, I live many lives. I acquaint myself with great books because

A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading. (William Styron)

 I am so at a point of no return.

Learning from "Life a Pi"

I'm still reading Yann Martel's Life of Pi since months ago, not because I find it boring, but because I can't find the right time to snuggle up and absorb every word of it (and because reading it on my phone brings me headache). Now that I have the book, I'm rereading it from the beginning.

I think at least I have gone through the first chapters of Life of Pi three times and it still fascinates me. Earlier today, an acquaintance told me that this book is a weird book, and I just laughed but I didn't quite understand why. As an over-analyzing person, I reflected on what makes the book appealing to me. Then it occurred to me that the first chapters are about religion and its spirituality. My acquaintance, as far as I know, is not a spiritual person. At least, not that I know of. That's probably why she finds it weird. 

However, if you've read my previous posts, you know how I am attracted to religious stuff more than I'm willing to admit to anyone outside my college circle of friends (of course, because it's them with whom I talk about this subject the most). 

Anyway, I re-encountered my favorite quote today

I find the quote strongly affects me. It does not only say that the essence - or the "soul" - of every religion (at least the three that are mentioned here) is basically the same, but also that we need to see through the differences in rites and practices. If everyone sees this like Martel, wouldn't life be more peaceful?

Saying that Martel was trying to suggest religious toleration using this quote might diminish the true meaning he had in mind while writing the story (because I think it's deeper than toleration; it's about seeing religion apart from its layer of practice and rites, but then again, Oscar Wilde told us that art mirrors its spectator, which in this case, is me).

Anyway, I really like the depiction of Pi. Similar to what I went through with Bodhi in Supernova: Akar (2002), I can really relate myself to Pi's journey of finding God. This book liberated me from my incapability and limitation to experience and to choose because it illustrated that liberty enough as Pi bathed in the clarity of the three religions. 

I am at a loss for words, so I can only say that the world needs more inspiring books like this.

I have been unfair...

...about my job. There are things I like about it, such as the freedom to choose your outfit. You won't have to wear discomforting uniform if you work there. And there are the students. And there are the jokes. And there is the power. And there is the time when you finally see what's it like to become a teacher. Those clarity moments.

All over the place!

My thoughts are scattered all over the place! I'll try to sum them up in one paragraph each. Let's see how it works.

How I am valued

Just yesterday, one of my closest friends and I had a serious talk about this guy with whom I used to spent lots of time together. He told me that if this guy's not right for me, I don't have to worry because - indeed it was the term he used - I am a "valuable woman". Oh, he meant good... even though then he said I'm not ugly and I look cute and I look like a good girl... so I asked him whether my value had been just about looks. He told me it hadn't been so, that I also have a good inner side; but the priority is crystal clear, isn't it? Boys, I thought. Well, I still feel thankful for him because he humored me and he really meant good. He's a sincere friend. There's no doubt about it.

Again, my (not so) pathetic, pathetic working life

I have to admit that I have been unfair and too hard on my new environment. I talked to some of my friends and they, too, don't like their first job (even one has submitted her resignation letter!). Hence, I thought jobs must be simply suck, probably especially first jobs. And meeting up with old friends makes me realize that my world is wide. It is not limited to a certain environment. So now it's up to me: will I let my sickening and maddening working environment ruin MY ENTIRE LIFE? I love my life better than that. Then, I guess it's time to see life with a more positive outlook. YOUR LIFE IS BIGGER AND FAR MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR JOB, REALLY.

We're so living in a stereotypical world and Allegiant (2013) sums it up

"But now I am wondering if I need it anymore, if we ever really need these words, 'Dauntless', 'Erudite', 'Divergent', 'Allegiant', or if we can just be friends or lovers or siblings, defined instead by the choices we make and the love and loyalty that binds us." (Roth: 2013, p. 134).

Now replace the name of the factions and groups with religions or races or ethnicity. You see? The Divergent series are a simplified reality.

Some thoughts on "IMPULSE FOR THE HOMOGENOUS"

Last week I googled collective sadism for my writing project and found this:

The Hatred of Nations

Basically it is about how the "impulse for the homogenous", or the tendency toward homogeneity, drives nations to hatred toward other nations (but do read the article and correct me if I got it wrong). 

I read the article and it was not about the hatred of nations that I understood; instead, it was about how the impulse for the homogenous is probably the core of almost all major problems we face today (and older days).

Name it. Racism, gender inequality, religions intolerance... these are only some of the problems I am sure we are all familiar with. Racism is strongly related to America, be it back in the days or today in its post-racial issues, but it also happened in Indonesia with the alienated Chinese people. Gender inequality, on the other hand, is an issue that is still hotly debated. People have long started to realize the importance of gender equality - proven with the ever-growing feminism - but then there's its counterstrike: meninism. I don't know if the phenomenon is a match for years of feminism growth, but it could be the beginning. Then there's religions intolerance, my favorite subject, which is the most visible major problem in Indonesia. It is tragic really, considering Indonesia was once regarded as a diverse and tolerant country. 

After reading the first article (The Hatred of Nations), I rethought my understanding about these problems and realize that it is likely that they were caused by the same impulse for the homogenous. For racism, it is clear that white people strongly disliked the different skin color. Actually, it wasn't dislike they started with. It started with the thought that the color difference meant different place on Earth, creating some sort of caste system, because there was the arrogance of white supremacy. In Indonesia, on the other hand, the racism against Chinese people wasn't originated from the color difference. It had something to do with political issues and communism, but in the end everything associated with Chinese characteristics (which means including their looks) decided the treatment they received.

Gender inequality was clearly caused by the tendency toward homogeneity because there are judgments toward women: that women are incapable, weak, the second sex. These judgments were made by the other sex, which is obviously male, and since then created an image of what women are. But before we discuss this issue deeper, let's not confuse gender and sex. Putting it simply, sex is male and female (the biological difference; between the one with penis and the one with vagina), and gender is man and woman (the stereotype of male and female's characteristics, that is the masculinity and the femininity). There are people who overgeneralized and associate gender with sex, saying a female must be feminine and a male must be masculine when it actually doesn't always have to be that way. Anyway, the decision that women are the second sex were made by men who thought that their sex was better. Come to think of it, did they really think that being physically stronger and thinking more logically make them the better sex? I don't think of myself as a feminist, but surely I oppose this idea. Back to the topic, I'm just saying that the very own thought that men can judge and put women in their 'place' was probably caused by the very impulse for the homogenous itself. It's basically drawing a bold line between men and women.

And finally we get to the last one: religions intolerance. This, I will based on my conversation with my friend earlier. This is an issue that has long been heard in the world, but only recently did I take notice of it. I think it started in 2012 or so for me. As far as I see, there is no firm ground for religions toleration in Indonesia. Religion has been a sensitive issue for years because it is related to our beliefs. For me, I don't see why people make it a problem because one's belief is related to one's inner self. There is no judge there, there is no standard there, there is no evaluation there. The proof that one has believed correctly is a matter in God's hand and no one but oneself would be there on the Judgment Day (or the Underworld, or the reincarnation circle, or whatever people believe in). Having faith in a religion is like taking an exam for a lifetime. The score comes out in our death. Religion is that simple for me.

Don't fuss and be a prick who preaches right and wrong because you just fucking don't know, but alas, not everyone shares my value. This is so related to that very impulse for the homogenous because some people think their religion is the correct one and thus, any difference is wrong. God, I don't know how many times I should highlight that truth is subjective. People just can't see, can they? This impulse is okay if they just keep it to themselves, yet they have to act on it. They have to exterminate those who are different. If something does not go along with their religious moral compass, they just have to fix it. They do not see that not everyone's moral compasses head the same way. Obviously, this creates a never-ending conflict in Indonesia, especially because some of the majority of Indonesian population are freak fanatics who think they're better than everyone else. Please, like they already have the guarantee of being sent to Heaven. 

Anyway, my point is that the impulse for the homogenous is a scary thing, but it is also a very humane characteristic. I mean, to create these major conflicts, it must be a viral thing. This impulse is not only felt by one or two people; it influences a group of people. No wonder it appears in my Google search for collective sadism. 

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P.S. I just remembered that the Hitler case was also caused by a clear and strong impulse for the homogenous. Really, humans are scary. Even myself scares me.