My Respond

Hi.
Isn’t it amazing that after four years of chasing your tail and a year or so of no contact, I so suddenly received news about you? More than just news, I heard your shocking revelation second-handedly from her.

Our story is a book I prefer not to re-read, a song I no longer want to hear. It is a memory I have no intention to recall although sometimes I sneakily did so. It left a rather sore impression. But then perhaps it is because I went through it too hastily. Neither did I read all the words nor did I listen carefully to the lyrics.

And so your revelation forced me to retrace them all.

That’s why, in this brief letter, I want to answer the questions you didn’t ask me in person; to give you the explanation you didn’t demand personally.

Love is a difficult word to explain. I have never used the word unless I’m sure there’s no other words could explain the feeling I feel toward my object of affection. The word has been strictly used for family members and some bestest friends. But there were you.

Love is a difficult word to explain, and it took me a long way before I came to use it to explain what I felt toward you. It was not until years had gone by and I lost my sight of you. As they say, you never know what you’ve got before you lose it. Since using the word is tough enough, it’s a bit hard for me to understand your definition of love.

Love is marriage, you say. I see how you have this concept of ideal future. Ideal family, to be exact. You have requirements for your wife-to-be. But marriage is a huge step. For me, it’s something distant in the future. To put it simply, we have different schools of thought. That’s why I haven’t been able to understand your decisions, actions, and reasons.

True, you say you’re conservative while I’m liberal. But I’d rather put it this way: you’ve learned your lessons, I’ve learned mine. You live for the afterworld, I live for this world. With our differences, would you still ask for my hand? These differences might only be for this moment, God knows what we’ll turn out to be... but these surely cannot escape your judgment.

You have planned your future cautiously. Find the perfect companion, then. Why are you swayed? You cannot let my efforts go to waste, you say? 

Of course those years were hopeless, but I have no regrets. Not anybody could receive the kind of special treatment you had received, but I got nothing to lose. I treat my family and friends the way I treated you. It’s not like my feelings would be drained off after I poured it to you. Feeling grows, you know. It’s like grass. You cut it and it grows back. I will eventually find other people to whom I can pour all my heart. They can be boyfriends, family, best friends, strangers.

Lastly, I hereby liberate you from the commitment we once made. Don’t be forced to think of me because we were once committed to each other. You are indebted neither to me nor to God. Don’t be too confused. Talk to me in person if you have made your decision, but remember: you involve other people in your future. You can plan it out, but you cannot plan what other people want. Speak it out instead of holding it in and confusing your own self.

Melati