If being there for someone without the person doing the same feels this nice, imagine if it's mutual.
There are painful moments, of course. Those moments were filled with pain from watching him turn to some other people at his best while turning to me at his worst. They were filled with disappointment from knowing I couldn't always be counted on. They were his birthday: me giving him cake and he gave it away to his friends. They were those after parties when he looked real happy, but not sharing it with me. Yet I just can't ignore the happy moments... The absolute reason I stay. He's never asked me to stay, nor would he, I'm sure. But I like the way he smile and laugh and make jokes that totally fail. I like the way everybody likes him and laugh along with him. I like him when he's fun and crazy and wild, and when he's serious and determined. I like how he turns to me for help, knowing I'd help. I like the thank-you messages he sends every time. I like the way he's being proud and the way he cuts my line whenever we're talking. I like the way he calls my name, even though this might sound cliche. I like it when he looks for me in front of our friends. I like how he sticks to me after two and a half year even though this is just for help. And undeniably, a part of me, though small, can't help dreaming of a similarly small space in his thesis maybe someday later. A space for my name in the thank-you opening. That space, although small, means something big for me.
So, if being there for someone without the person doing the same feels nice, imagine if it's mutual.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Him
I just care so much; that if someone could care this much, and it surprises me how I do not expect a thing. I actually like the way you turn to me every time you need a thing because it makes me feel needed. I like how I feel important when you look for me. You are nobody, so why do I feel this way? It has been two and a half year, and we have never been together. We have never been so close nor have we been sharing our deepest secrets. There were others, and there will always be, who come in our way and make our hearts beat faster all the time. They come to my dreams and they make me smile, but never... never have they get my undivided attention like you do. I thought that this might have been a crush. This might have been another cliche, childlike love story. I thought you could sweep me off my feet and break my heart. Yet, what I do for you, what I feel for you, is a whole different kind of love. I know that whatever you do, I'll be there for you. I got your back and I'll be there. I will never jealous, never expect, never hope, never wait... I'll just be there. I just know: when I recall college in the next 10 years, this feeling will be the one I remember.
originally written in 181212
originally written in 181212
Friday, November 23, 2012
If I Keep You
If I keep you like this
Holding on to you
Giving you hope
Would you be mad
If at the end you find you're not for me?
If I keep you like this
Would I be like him
Playing with one's heart
For four years in a row?
'Cause I find myself not much better than him
By keeping you though I know
I'm not into you
Well I can say I finally understand him
But is that an excuse?
I might hurt you, I know
and I feel guilty
But there's just no justification
For whatever that I do to you
There's just no justification
For whatever reason I still play with you
I know you might not be after me
I know you might think of me only as a friend
But I also know
How you text me everyday
And you offer to drive me home
And just because of those possibilities
I feel bad if I keep you like this
It makes me wonder
Was he, too, indecisive?
Was he just enjoying all the attention?
Was he just entertained by the efforts I showed?
Was he like who I am now?
So, I'm sorry for keeping you like this
I don't know how to give it an end
But you're an option
And I know that I am wrong
But know not of how to right my wrong
(Nov. 16, 2012)
Holding on to you
Giving you hope
Would you be mad
If at the end you find you're not for me?
If I keep you like this
Would I be like him
Playing with one's heart
For four years in a row?
'Cause I find myself not much better than him
By keeping you though I know
I'm not into you
Well I can say I finally understand him
But is that an excuse?
I might hurt you, I know
and I feel guilty
But there's just no justification
For whatever that I do to you
There's just no justification
For whatever reason I still play with you
I know you might not be after me
I know you might think of me only as a friend
But I also know
How you text me everyday
And you offer to drive me home
And just because of those possibilities
I feel bad if I keep you like this
It makes me wonder
Was he, too, indecisive?
Was he just enjoying all the attention?
Was he just entertained by the efforts I showed?
Was he like who I am now?
So, I'm sorry for keeping you like this
I don't know how to give it an end
But you're an option
And I know that I am wrong
But know not of how to right my wrong
(Nov. 16, 2012)
You, Again (1)
For someone who has never been there
You think how much would I give?
A night?
A date?
No, you know it's more than that
Days and nights
And weeks and years
While and after
You know, you know
You always know, don't you?
How much of this heart
Has been yours for years
How much tears have these eyes shed
For you, thanks to you, and because of you
You've always known
I don't want to like him
Just because he looks like you
I don't want to be with him
Just because you're not around
So, please... Please, I beg you
To stay or leave for good
Because you know I can't decide
For us and for good
I don't want God to let you feel
What I'm feeling right now
'Cause I'm missing you and I can't tell
If I want you back or not
I don't want God to let you know
What I'm feeling right now
'Cause I know it's a shame to feel this way
Knowing you wouldn't feel the same
And I can't tell nobody
'Cause I know it's a shame to feel this way
Sadly it grows more and more
(Nov. 11, 2012)
You think how much would I give?
A night?
A date?
No, you know it's more than that
Days and nights
And weeks and years
While and after
You know, you know
You always know, don't you?
How much of this heart
Has been yours for years
How much tears have these eyes shed
For you, thanks to you, and because of you
You've always known
I don't want to like him
Just because he looks like you
I don't want to be with him
Just because you're not around
So, please... Please, I beg you
To stay or leave for good
Because you know I can't decide
For us and for good
I don't want God to let you feel
What I'm feeling right now
'Cause I'm missing you and I can't tell
If I want you back or not
I don't want God to let you know
What I'm feeling right now
'Cause I know it's a shame to feel this way
Knowing you wouldn't feel the same
And I can't tell nobody
'Cause I know it's a shame to feel this way
Sadly it grows more and more
(Nov. 11, 2012)
December
In December, if we meet again
We'll be smiling
We'll calmly stand together
And the memories shall fly back to us
It could be overwhelming
But we'll be okay
You and I will meet
The ones we love
With all our hearts
With all our might
And there's no love could be
As beautiful as ours for them
Images from years behind
Might rain on us
Like falling leaves in autumn
Some might hurts,
Some nostalgic
But we'll be okay
I will be holding his hands,
And you hold hers,
And nothing could go wrong
Though we're not what
We used to be
And I will be smiling the way I used to
When I was with you
And you, too, will do the same
And it will hurt no more
Because I will have him by my side,
And you will have her by yours
In December, if we meet again
Let's have a good farewell
The that's not filled with
Anger, disappointment, tears
That, if we meet in December
We'll be smiling
We'll calmly stand together
And the memories shall fly back to us
It could be overwhelming
But we'll be okay
You and I will meet
The ones we love
With all our hearts
With all our might
And there's no love could be
As beautiful as ours for them
Images from years behind
Might rain on us
Like falling leaves in autumn
Some might hurts,
Some nostalgic
But we'll be okay
I will be holding his hands,
And you hold hers,
And nothing could go wrong
Though we're not what
We used to be
And I will be smiling the way I used to
When I was with you
And you, too, will do the same
And it will hurt no more
Because I will have him by my side,
And you will have her by yours
In December, if we meet again
Let's have a good farewell
The that's not filled with
Anger, disappointment, tears
That, if we meet in December
A Story I Can Never Tell
It's a story I can never tell
About how much I feel for you
About the nights I remember
About the days we spent togeter
About you being my first
It's a story I can never share
About the happiness of a first date
About the smiles I got from you
About the stories I tell you
About the love we had head over heels
And the way you text me every dawn
And your unique favorite kind of clothes
Your way of showing how you miss me
Those are the stories I can never ever tell
For you and I are history
Those are the stories Ican never ever tell
'Cause we are the part of something lost
So there's no more of us
There's no more of sweet love stories
But deep, deep inside
It's there for me to keep
Because it's a story I can never tell
(Nov. 15, 2012)
About how much I feel for you
About the nights I remember
About the days we spent togeter
About you being my first
It's a story I can never share
About the happiness of a first date
About the smiles I got from you
About the stories I tell you
About the love we had head over heels
And the way you text me every dawn
And your unique favorite kind of clothes
Your way of showing how you miss me
Those are the stories I can never ever tell
For you and I are history
Those are the stories Ican never ever tell
'Cause we are the part of something lost
So there's no more of us
There's no more of sweet love stories
But deep, deep inside
It's there for me to keep
Because it's a story I can never tell
(Nov. 15, 2012)
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Menjadi Aneh
Ini... kalo gue nulis ini, sejujurnya gue bakal terlihat seperti anak labil yang punya masalah dengan lingkungannya. Agak memalukan, sih... but perhaps I still am.
Sebenarnya gue nggak mau membuat ini terlihat serius, hanya saja di awal minggu ini gue lagi-lagi merasa muak dengan komentar-komentar tiada akhir yang dilakukan teman-teman gue. Apapun yang gue lakukan sepertinya salah di mata mereka, padahal, hei--apa mereka nggak tahu yang namanya 'perbedaan'? Maksud gue, tentu saja orang punya selera yang berbeda-beda. Karena itu ada banyak sekali variasi berbagai jenis barang 'kan. Buku, lagu, baju... menurut kalian, kenapa ada banyak sekali ragam dari barang-barang seperti itu? Lalu kenapa apapun yang gue suka dianggap aneh? Apa hanya ada satu ragam dari kesemua itu yang layak dan pantas untuk disukai?
Lagi-lagi ini permasalahan dengan kesukaan gue terhadap lagu-lagu Korea. Hei, orang lain boleh fanatik terhadap klub sepakbola mereka--bahkan sampai melakukan hal-hal ekstrim yang tidak dapat dibayangkan oleh orang normal. Kenapa fanatisme gue terhadap lagu-lagu Korea dilarang? Karena aneh? Karena Korea bukanlah 'Barat' dan segala modernitas-nya?
Gue sangat sadar bahwa gue berada di lingkungan dimana 'Barat' menjadi kiblat mereka dalam hal fashion dan musik. Mungkin bahkan dalam film. Namun, hal itu tidak berarti gue, yang berbeda, salah jalan.
As there is no one exact form of beauty, there is no exact right or wrong in liking something.
Hidup ini tidak sesimpel hitam dan putih. Terkadang, orang terlalu sibuk dengan membedakan yang hitam dan putih sehingga bisa membuat stereotip-stereotip mengenai kedua sisi itu.
Gue jadi belajar bahwa 'aneh' dan tidaknya seseorang merupakan hasil dari konstruksi sosial. Hasil dari stereotip yang dibuat masyarakat. Untuk menjadi fashionable adalah untuk mengikuti tren masyarakat. Untuk menjadi cantik adalah untuk menjadi cantik menurut pandangan masyarakat.
Today's people just can't accept differences in beauty.
Society sets the rule of what beauty is.
Sebenarnya gue nggak mau membuat ini terlihat serius, hanya saja di awal minggu ini gue lagi-lagi merasa muak dengan komentar-komentar tiada akhir yang dilakukan teman-teman gue. Apapun yang gue lakukan sepertinya salah di mata mereka, padahal, hei--apa mereka nggak tahu yang namanya 'perbedaan'? Maksud gue, tentu saja orang punya selera yang berbeda-beda. Karena itu ada banyak sekali variasi berbagai jenis barang 'kan. Buku, lagu, baju... menurut kalian, kenapa ada banyak sekali ragam dari barang-barang seperti itu? Lalu kenapa apapun yang gue suka dianggap aneh? Apa hanya ada satu ragam dari kesemua itu yang layak dan pantas untuk disukai?
Lagi-lagi ini permasalahan dengan kesukaan gue terhadap lagu-lagu Korea. Hei, orang lain boleh fanatik terhadap klub sepakbola mereka--bahkan sampai melakukan hal-hal ekstrim yang tidak dapat dibayangkan oleh orang normal. Kenapa fanatisme gue terhadap lagu-lagu Korea dilarang? Karena aneh? Karena Korea bukanlah 'Barat' dan segala modernitas-nya?
Gue sangat sadar bahwa gue berada di lingkungan dimana 'Barat' menjadi kiblat mereka dalam hal fashion dan musik. Mungkin bahkan dalam film. Namun, hal itu tidak berarti gue, yang berbeda, salah jalan.
As there is no one exact form of beauty, there is no exact right or wrong in liking something.
Hidup ini tidak sesimpel hitam dan putih. Terkadang, orang terlalu sibuk dengan membedakan yang hitam dan putih sehingga bisa membuat stereotip-stereotip mengenai kedua sisi itu.
Gue jadi belajar bahwa 'aneh' dan tidaknya seseorang merupakan hasil dari konstruksi sosial. Hasil dari stereotip yang dibuat masyarakat. Untuk menjadi fashionable adalah untuk mengikuti tren masyarakat. Untuk menjadi cantik adalah untuk menjadi cantik menurut pandangan masyarakat.
Today's people just can't accept differences in beauty.
Society sets the rule of what beauty is.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Another You
I have met this person
Whose hair and style are just like you
I have met this person
Whose heart I think might be just like you
I have never really talked to him
Though we've said "Hi" a couple times
and we had dinner together once
Thrilling, but awkward it was
I heard stories about him
How he could be just like you
How he is as crazy as you
and how he has this dark, hidden side
All just like you
You don't know, do you?
How much I want to reach him
Just to know,
Will it be the same?
Or will he be another chance for me?
You don't know, do you?
How I'm dying to be with him,
Just to know,
Will we have the same ending?
Or will he be another you?
I know we have closed the book
And there's no more of us
'Cause our love has dried out
And there's only one way to go
But here I find another you
Hoping that by being with him
Things can go differently
Hoping that by being with him
I can rewrite that wonderful story
Here I find another you
The one I hope won't hurt like you
The one I hope won't get away
Never have I imagined
He'll stay till the end
Never have I dreamed of
Him being the one putting ring on my finger
Because here I find another you,
Merely hoping he'll be enough
Just to rewrite the whole story,
About a love given wholeheartedly
(originally written in Bogor, 26 Oct. 2012)
Whose hair and style are just like you
I have met this person
Whose heart I think might be just like you
I have never really talked to him
Though we've said "Hi" a couple times
and we had dinner together once
Thrilling, but awkward it was
I heard stories about him
How he could be just like you
How he is as crazy as you
and how he has this dark, hidden side
All just like you
You don't know, do you?
How much I want to reach him
Just to know,
Will it be the same?
Or will he be another chance for me?
You don't know, do you?
How I'm dying to be with him,
Just to know,
Will we have the same ending?
Or will he be another you?
I know we have closed the book
And there's no more of us
'Cause our love has dried out
And there's only one way to go
But here I find another you
Hoping that by being with him
Things can go differently
Hoping that by being with him
I can rewrite that wonderful story
Here I find another you
The one I hope won't hurt like you
The one I hope won't get away
Never have I imagined
He'll stay till the end
Never have I dreamed of
Him being the one putting ring on my finger
Because here I find another you,
Merely hoping he'll be enough
Just to rewrite the whole story,
About a love given wholeheartedly
(originally written in Bogor, 26 Oct. 2012)
My Life Lately
Hi, I'm in the middle of a class right now.
It's rare for me to have a chance writing a blog, so I take my chance in writing class when I have the access to internet and I have nothing to do. Well... not that my teacher is the kind of teacher who does nothing in class, no, it's just I have finished the assigned work. Keke...
Um, there are not so much I can say about my life currently. It's just my life has been rather fun than my life used to be several months ago. You know what? I even smile when I write this.
The reason for me to smile is that I feel there are so many things to be grateful about. Life's been good to me lately... with my crushes (I have more than one crush, keke) and all, and I've tried new things on my look, and I've tried to accept the differences that might occur between me and others. Seriously, trying new things can really help me to feel better. Maybe I had been weary all these times.
I'm writing poems nowadays. Not the sophisticated ones like those Ralph Waldo Emerson or Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote, no, but mine still a poem comes out of heart. Um, maybe it's not right to call it a poem. Maybe 'a heart's cry' would be more suitable.
Well, anyway, more than a half poems I produced these days are inspired by K-pop songs' melody. I like their melody, and surprisingly, though I know not of the exact relation between the two objects, it enables me to write out my heart! Indeed, I thank them.
My poems usually tell about my crushes, sometimes exaggerated and dramatized. I hope I'll be able to post more poems. I'll do it when I get the chance.
Okay...
I still have time to write, but I should show some respect to my very, very kindhearted teacher. So, bye for now!
It's rare for me to have a chance writing a blog, so I take my chance in writing class when I have the access to internet and I have nothing to do. Well... not that my teacher is the kind of teacher who does nothing in class, no, it's just I have finished the assigned work. Keke...
Um, there are not so much I can say about my life currently. It's just my life has been rather fun than my life used to be several months ago. You know what? I even smile when I write this.
The reason for me to smile is that I feel there are so many things to be grateful about. Life's been good to me lately... with my crushes (I have more than one crush, keke) and all, and I've tried new things on my look, and I've tried to accept the differences that might occur between me and others. Seriously, trying new things can really help me to feel better. Maybe I had been weary all these times.
I'm writing poems nowadays. Not the sophisticated ones like those Ralph Waldo Emerson or Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote, no, but mine still a poem comes out of heart. Um, maybe it's not right to call it a poem. Maybe 'a heart's cry' would be more suitable.
Well, anyway, more than a half poems I produced these days are inspired by K-pop songs' melody. I like their melody, and surprisingly, though I know not of the exact relation between the two objects, it enables me to write out my heart! Indeed, I thank them.
My poems usually tell about my crushes, sometimes exaggerated and dramatized. I hope I'll be able to post more poems. I'll do it when I get the chance.
Okay...
I still have time to write, but I should show some respect to my very, very kindhearted teacher. So, bye for now!
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Cracked Mirror
These days you won't be just accepting
You keep picking at my clothes and how I behave
You find my flaws and point them out
You comment, comment, comment
These days I won't keep quiet
I argue and be mad at you
I'm too sensitive, you say
But I don't care, no, I don't
We've been too long together
And time says, "Well, you'd better be off on your way,"
"Separated as it was before," it says
'Cause if we stay, then there's no way
No way we could fix a cracked mirror
Those days we were laughing together
Finding everything funny
Talking about everything weird
We think we're the best
Those days we were on the road together
Tackle down problems
Standing on one side all along
Live like there's no tomorrow
But, we've been too long together
And time says, "Well, you'd better be off on your way,"
"Separated as it was before," it says
'Cause if we stay, then there's no way
No way we could fix a cracked mirror
So, so long
Good bye
Good bye for good,
So when we cross road next time,
We're there for good.
You keep picking at my clothes and how I behave
You find my flaws and point them out
You comment, comment, comment
These days I won't keep quiet
I argue and be mad at you
I'm too sensitive, you say
But I don't care, no, I don't
We've been too long together
And time says, "Well, you'd better be off on your way,"
"Separated as it was before," it says
'Cause if we stay, then there's no way
No way we could fix a cracked mirror
Those days we were laughing together
Finding everything funny
Talking about everything weird
We think we're the best
Those days we were on the road together
Tackle down problems
Standing on one side all along
Live like there's no tomorrow
But, we've been too long together
And time says, "Well, you'd better be off on your way,"
"Separated as it was before," it says
'Cause if we stay, then there's no way
No way we could fix a cracked mirror
So, so long
Good bye
Good bye for good,
So when we cross road next time,
We're there for good.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Last Week
I'm having hard time. Not a VERY hard time, no... but still, a hard time.
Well, to begin with, there are these problems with the freshmen and one of my friends. He seems really obsessed with the taking-care-of-the-freshmen thingies, which to me and for worse, seems that he has forgotten his friends. This problem grew more complicated as the friends were divided into two: the pro and con. Sad, but true. I don't know why it disturbs me so much... maybe a part of me wanted him to stay with us and appreciate us a bit, and other part of me is maybe jealous of the freshmen. They are the center of the attention this year, not a surprise since this is their year.
And there's this man who keeps pestering me with his questions. I know he's trying to get my attention and all, but he's just doing it wrong. He keeps asking me what I was doing, what I will do... he keeps being nice and care for me. However, those are something I do not expect from someone I barely know. Correction: I know him enough to know he's not for me. Either he's too nice or he's too weird, whatever the reason might be, I just know I do not expect him to approach me. His questions are getting weirder and weirder, and the last questions he asked were about love. Code? Yes. Definitely.
Then I'm overwhelmed with these stuff I had to do: the academic tasks and responsibilities, the event I'm taking part in, the freshmen thingies... they all make me to stay up late (not that I've never stayed up late before, I just had never been this tired) and they literally exhaust me. It's thrilling to have things to do, to mingle and be active in college. Still... I didn't know I'd be this exhausted.
I'm still having fun, though. ;)
I had two guys introduced to me: one was from this summer event I took part in, and the other was a friend of my friend. Both of them doesn't like me like boys like girls, still it was interesting since I had never been introduced to anyone just to be introduced. LOL. Bad for me, I'm a very curious person. And easily provoked. Every time anyone teases me and one of the boys, my curiosity grew more and more. And I could end up developing a crush on one (or both) of them. It's okay since I'm free! (I do want to be committed to one guy, though. It's not like I'm a player).
Well, and the last is I miss God so much. The things mentioned overwhelm me. I couldn't go home every time I feel tired, so I often feel very lonely and hopeless. Those times are when I miss God so much I could cry myself to sleep.
Guess I should just talk to God, then :)
See you in my next post.
Well, to begin with, there are these problems with the freshmen and one of my friends. He seems really obsessed with the taking-care-of-the-freshmen thingies, which to me and for worse, seems that he has forgotten his friends. This problem grew more complicated as the friends were divided into two: the pro and con. Sad, but true. I don't know why it disturbs me so much... maybe a part of me wanted him to stay with us and appreciate us a bit, and other part of me is maybe jealous of the freshmen. They are the center of the attention this year, not a surprise since this is their year.
And there's this man who keeps pestering me with his questions. I know he's trying to get my attention and all, but he's just doing it wrong. He keeps asking me what I was doing, what I will do... he keeps being nice and care for me. However, those are something I do not expect from someone I barely know. Correction: I know him enough to know he's not for me. Either he's too nice or he's too weird, whatever the reason might be, I just know I do not expect him to approach me. His questions are getting weirder and weirder, and the last questions he asked were about love. Code? Yes. Definitely.
Then I'm overwhelmed with these stuff I had to do: the academic tasks and responsibilities, the event I'm taking part in, the freshmen thingies... they all make me to stay up late (not that I've never stayed up late before, I just had never been this tired) and they literally exhaust me. It's thrilling to have things to do, to mingle and be active in college. Still... I didn't know I'd be this exhausted.
I'm still having fun, though. ;)
I had two guys introduced to me: one was from this summer event I took part in, and the other was a friend of my friend. Both of them doesn't like me like boys like girls, still it was interesting since I had never been introduced to anyone just to be introduced. LOL. Bad for me, I'm a very curious person. And easily provoked. Every time anyone teases me and one of the boys, my curiosity grew more and more. And I could end up developing a crush on one (or both) of them. It's okay since I'm free! (I do want to be committed to one guy, though. It's not like I'm a player).
Well, and the last is I miss God so much. The things mentioned overwhelm me. I couldn't go home every time I feel tired, so I often feel very lonely and hopeless. Those times are when I miss God so much I could cry myself to sleep.
Guess I should just talk to God, then :)
See you in my next post.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
The Beauty of Me
At the beginning of last week, I felt very wronged. Why? It's because someone jokingly told me that she would feel humiliated if I had a boyfriend. I know, even though that was a joke, I already reached the stage where I would be easily affected by the statement. It wasn't her first time saying those kinds of things.
I spent more or less two days being so emotional about it... I was seriously considering to change myself into another person; a different me who would fit in and would actually attract a guy. I was seriously planning to pay her back for her words.
I consulted my friends about what was wrong from me and how could I change into a "better" me. Some of my friends showed me how I should dress and how I should behave. They told me the dos and don'ts of fashion. They criticized me for the way I look.
Well, I asked for it. I shouldn't complain.
However, I remembered some guy that told me I'm beautiful when I was dressing messily. If it was a joke, I wouldn't know... but one thing for sure, it was pleasant to hear such compliment.
Of course, my friends were confused having been told the compliment the guy gave me. "He said you're beautiful when you're dressed messily? How could it be?"
But my other friends told me that beauty is all about perspective.
Would a guy really attracted to me if I change myself and how I look?
Would I really be happy by changing myself?
Then I found this beautiful piece of writing by Paulo Coelho:
It really, really moved me. After all this time, I finally believe in my own beauty. That's all I got to say.
Thank you, Mr. Paulo Coelho for helping me to find my self-confidence again.
I spent more or less two days being so emotional about it... I was seriously considering to change myself into another person; a different me who would fit in and would actually attract a guy. I was seriously planning to pay her back for her words.
I consulted my friends about what was wrong from me and how could I change into a "better" me. Some of my friends showed me how I should dress and how I should behave. They told me the dos and don'ts of fashion. They criticized me for the way I look.
Well, I asked for it. I shouldn't complain.
However, I remembered some guy that told me I'm beautiful when I was dressing messily. If it was a joke, I wouldn't know... but one thing for sure, it was pleasant to hear such compliment.
Of course, my friends were confused having been told the compliment the guy gave me. "He said you're beautiful when you're dressed messily? How could it be?"
But my other friends told me that beauty is all about perspective.
Would a guy really attracted to me if I change myself and how I look?
Would I really be happy by changing myself?
Then I found this beautiful piece of writing by Paulo Coelho:
"We deny our own beauty because others can’t or won’t recognise it. Instead of accepting ourselves as we are, we try to imitate what we see around us. We try to be what other people think of as ‘pretty’ and, little by little, our soul fades, our will weakens, and all the potential we had to make the world a more beautiful place withers away. We forget that the world is what we imagine it to be.We stop being the moonlight and become, instead, the pool of water reflecting it. Tomorrow, the water will evaporate in the sun. And all because, one day, someone said: ‘You are ugly.’ Or: ‘She is pretty.’ With those three simple words, they stole away all our self-confidence.
And we become ugly and embittered.
Manuscript found in Accra
(taken from Paulo Coelho's Facebook page"
It really, really moved me. After all this time, I finally believe in my own beauty. That's all I got to say.
Thank you, Mr. Paulo Coelho for helping me to find my self-confidence again.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Hi there! (again)
Sudah lama saya tidak menulis apa-apa di blog ini, padahal sebenarnya banyak yang mau saya tulis. Yah, apa daya, akses ke internet terbatas dan sialnya hal ini tidak bisa dilakukan via telepon genggam saya.
Sejauh ini hidup telah baik-baik saja pada saya, dengan segala tawa yang bisa dibawanya pada saya dan juga banyaknya kegiatan yang bisa saya lakukan. Hidup sedang menjadi tidak membosankan :)
Saya baru berulangtahun beberapa hari yang lalu, nyaris seminggu yang lalu, dan sekarang saya sedang bergumul dengan novel-novel yang menjadi kado istimewa dari orang-orang istimewa saya. Tidak lupa, novel yang saya beli sendiri.
Bicara tentang novel, saya sebenarnya sudah lama tidak membaca novel. Selama ini, dengan Hallyu wave yang menyerang seantero dunia dengan sensasinya, saya ikut berenang-renang di dalamnya: terpukau dan terhibur oleh semua yang bisa ditawarkan ombak itu. Jadilah, hobi saya membaca novel sesaat terabaikan.
Namun, setelah saya menerima novel di tangan saya, keajaiban itu kembali.
Saya kembali dibuai imajinasi dan kata-kata penulis, membiarkan diri saya terbawa perwujudan cerita-cerita novel itu dalam benak saya. :) Sensasinya menyenangkan... dan istimewa. Kemudian, saya menyadari satu hal. Menonton, menyanyi, mendengar... semuanya menyenangkan. Semua menghibur dan bisa mengisi waktu. Yet, reading is at a whole different level. It lets you shape your own world, your own entertainment.
So, readers, read! :D
Have a great day!
Sejauh ini hidup telah baik-baik saja pada saya, dengan segala tawa yang bisa dibawanya pada saya dan juga banyaknya kegiatan yang bisa saya lakukan. Hidup sedang menjadi tidak membosankan :)
Saya baru berulangtahun beberapa hari yang lalu, nyaris seminggu yang lalu, dan sekarang saya sedang bergumul dengan novel-novel yang menjadi kado istimewa dari orang-orang istimewa saya. Tidak lupa, novel yang saya beli sendiri.
Bicara tentang novel, saya sebenarnya sudah lama tidak membaca novel. Selama ini, dengan Hallyu wave yang menyerang seantero dunia dengan sensasinya, saya ikut berenang-renang di dalamnya: terpukau dan terhibur oleh semua yang bisa ditawarkan ombak itu. Jadilah, hobi saya membaca novel sesaat terabaikan.
Namun, setelah saya menerima novel di tangan saya, keajaiban itu kembali.
Saya kembali dibuai imajinasi dan kata-kata penulis, membiarkan diri saya terbawa perwujudan cerita-cerita novel itu dalam benak saya. :) Sensasinya menyenangkan... dan istimewa. Kemudian, saya menyadari satu hal. Menonton, menyanyi, mendengar... semuanya menyenangkan. Semua menghibur dan bisa mengisi waktu. Yet, reading is at a whole different level. It lets you shape your own world, your own entertainment.
So, readers, read! :D
Have a great day!
Monday, August 6, 2012
Thank You :)
The smile
That you give to me and everybody else as well
The kisses
That you write in your messages to me and everybody else as well
The way that you listen to my stories
The way that you remember every part of it
The way that you treat me so nicely and everybody else as well
The way that I know I'm no part of your inner circle
The way that I know you treat me as one of your friends and no more
But even those are enough for me to thank you
For making my day when you tell me I'm beautiful
For taking care of me the night I was with you,
talking until almost midnight and I didn't want the night to end
Well of course those are enough for me to thank you
For being sweet in any way you could
To me and everybody else as well
Now that I know you might not remember
and that those are just a spark in your life
But I still need to thank you for being with me in those moments
So thank you, and thank you, and a thousand more thank you :)
[originally written on July 15, 2012]
That you give to me and everybody else as well
The kisses
That you write in your messages to me and everybody else as well
The way that you listen to my stories
The way that you remember every part of it
The way that you treat me so nicely and everybody else as well
The way that I know I'm no part of your inner circle
The way that I know you treat me as one of your friends and no more
But even those are enough for me to thank you
For making my day when you tell me I'm beautiful
For taking care of me the night I was with you,
talking until almost midnight and I didn't want the night to end
Well of course those are enough for me to thank you
For being sweet in any way you could
To me and everybody else as well
Now that I know you might not remember
and that those are just a spark in your life
But I still need to thank you for being with me in those moments
So thank you, and thank you, and a thousand more thank you :)
[originally written on July 15, 2012]
A. P. H.
White as an empty sheet of paper
Green as a young leaf of lettuce
Was what we were defined
Blue as a swallowing ocean
Blue as the high sky
Blue as they refer to sadness
Was what followed
But I still remember
I keep remembering even though it hurts as hell
But I still remember
I keep remembering even though hatred comes
Blaming you was always an escape
From the shame and regret for being so naive
My heart was a beautiful flower made of glass
and I was so careless in treating it
So, it was not your fault that it is broken now
It was not your fault that I believed in everything
Now, it is another shame to keep remembering
It's another shame that my real emotion is hatred toward you
It's another shame to be chained to the times with you
But will you wait and see,
I'll be free and look back to us with a smile
...and I'll give us an appropriate goodbye.
[originally written in July 15, 2012]
Green as a young leaf of lettuce
Was what we were defined
Blue as a swallowing ocean
Blue as the high sky
Blue as they refer to sadness
Was what followed
But I still remember
I keep remembering even though it hurts as hell
But I still remember
I keep remembering even though hatred comes
Blaming you was always an escape
From the shame and regret for being so naive
My heart was a beautiful flower made of glass
and I was so careless in treating it
So, it was not your fault that it is broken now
It was not your fault that I believed in everything
Now, it is another shame to keep remembering
It's another shame that my real emotion is hatred toward you
It's another shame to be chained to the times with you
But will you wait and see,
I'll be free and look back to us with a smile
...and I'll give us an appropriate goodbye.
[originally written in July 15, 2012]
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Silence
Today is supposed to be the day when the families in our neighborhood work together to clean the entire neighborhood. It has been years since the neighbors gathered and worked together. Long, long time ago, when I had not even reached 10, we used to socialize that way. However, today is a bit different than I used to remember.
The husbands, the sons, the fathers were working together; literally working, cutting down trees, and socializing through work. On the other hand, the wives--the housewives--were just sitting and chatting with out loud laughter... which irritated me. It bugged me to hear them laughing instead of doing what they were supposed to do, that is to clean a small triangle park. It was even too small to be called a park. It disturbed me when my mother is the only one who actually swept the park. I joined her, of course, but it was really tiring to hear other housewives only laughing.
Usually I would be whining all the time, not to mention cursing, but this time I kept silent.
I don't know what made me choose to be silent, but it was not bad. I know that after this I might complaint to my mother, but at that time I felt like I had won against the silly housewives and my silly anger. It is a test for me also, to be silent and to swallow my anger instead of bursting it out.
I hope next time I would be able to vanish my anger fully.
The husbands, the sons, the fathers were working together; literally working, cutting down trees, and socializing through work. On the other hand, the wives--the housewives--were just sitting and chatting with out loud laughter... which irritated me. It bugged me to hear them laughing instead of doing what they were supposed to do, that is to clean a small triangle park. It was even too small to be called a park. It disturbed me when my mother is the only one who actually swept the park. I joined her, of course, but it was really tiring to hear other housewives only laughing.
Usually I would be whining all the time, not to mention cursing, but this time I kept silent.
I don't know what made me choose to be silent, but it was not bad. I know that after this I might complaint to my mother, but at that time I felt like I had won against the silly housewives and my silly anger. It is a test for me also, to be silent and to swallow my anger instead of bursting it out.
I hope next time I would be able to vanish my anger fully.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Was I That Immature?
So. . . I have this one cousin.
Bright, talkative, confident, and very sure of herself. Tapi, dia sangat suka mendebat orang hingga terkadang keyakinannya terhadap pendapatnya ini membuatnya keras di dalam perdebatan. Saya sampai capek sendiri menghadapinya. Sekilas, dia terdengar menyebalkan. Maksud saya, sulit sekali untuk menjelaskan sesuatu padanya, apalagi memenangkan debat darinya.
Namun, dari perdebatan-perdebatan kecil yang kami lakukan, saya masih bisa menemukan hal-hal untuk ditertawakan. :) As I said, she's bright. Karena itu, perdebatan dengannya kurang-lebih memang harus dilakukan dengan berpikir keras agar bisa memberinya jawaban-jawaban dan argumen-argumen yang tepat. I used to fight her with all my might, but now I can say I am wiser.
Not wiser than she is, but wiser than who I used to be. :) Sedikit banyak saya belajar tahu argumen-argumennya didasarkan pada sudut pandangnya sepihak. Suatu hal yang wajar, karena dia memang belum benar-benar melihat dunia. Dia cerdas, tapi hanya dalam dunianya. Jadi, saya pun belajar untuk tahu kapan harus berhenti mendebatnya.
Hal lain lagi yang saya pelajari adalah kecenderungan anak seumurnya untuk merasa pintar. Dulu orang tua saya sering berkata saya sok sekali, saya merasa sudah lebih pintar dari orang tua dan orang-orang lain. Ternyata, setelah mempelajari karakter sepupu saya, saya sedikit-banyak terbayang juga seperti apa saya dulu.
Mungkinkah saya juga begitu dulu? I don't know :) it could be.
Bright, talkative, confident, and very sure of herself. Tapi, dia sangat suka mendebat orang hingga terkadang keyakinannya terhadap pendapatnya ini membuatnya keras di dalam perdebatan. Saya sampai capek sendiri menghadapinya. Sekilas, dia terdengar menyebalkan. Maksud saya, sulit sekali untuk menjelaskan sesuatu padanya, apalagi memenangkan debat darinya.
Namun, dari perdebatan-perdebatan kecil yang kami lakukan, saya masih bisa menemukan hal-hal untuk ditertawakan. :) As I said, she's bright. Karena itu, perdebatan dengannya kurang-lebih memang harus dilakukan dengan berpikir keras agar bisa memberinya jawaban-jawaban dan argumen-argumen yang tepat. I used to fight her with all my might, but now I can say I am wiser.
Not wiser than she is, but wiser than who I used to be. :) Sedikit banyak saya belajar tahu argumen-argumennya didasarkan pada sudut pandangnya sepihak. Suatu hal yang wajar, karena dia memang belum benar-benar melihat dunia. Dia cerdas, tapi hanya dalam dunianya. Jadi, saya pun belajar untuk tahu kapan harus berhenti mendebatnya.
Hal lain lagi yang saya pelajari adalah kecenderungan anak seumurnya untuk merasa pintar. Dulu orang tua saya sering berkata saya sok sekali, saya merasa sudah lebih pintar dari orang tua dan orang-orang lain. Ternyata, setelah mempelajari karakter sepupu saya, saya sedikit-banyak terbayang juga seperti apa saya dulu.
Mungkinkah saya juga begitu dulu? I don't know :) it could be.
Finding New Family Members
It's been three days since my arrival back in West Java after going on a vacation. My newly-met family members are still the hot topic of my talks. There are a lot that I want to tell but somehow I lost my ability to describe the feelings perfectly. All I know is I am fully happy to be finally be able to meet them :)
When I met them, it was as if we had known each other for so long. Well. . .not exactly like that. Of course when I first met them, I held back a lot. I needed to know if they accepted me. Thankfully, they did and went our story on and on!
I wish to see them again soon, as soon as possible.
It's like I finally have a hometown to come back to :)
When I met them, it was as if we had known each other for so long. Well. . .not exactly like that. Of course when I first met them, I held back a lot. I needed to know if they accepted me. Thankfully, they did and went our story on and on!
I wish to see them again soon, as soon as possible.
It's like I finally have a hometown to come back to :)
Saturday, June 30, 2012
There's You
So. . .
There's you; who keeps reminding me of my unsuccessful past relationship.
There's you; who keeps bringing him up in all of our talk every time we meet.
There's you; who keeps believing I would still be his and would still remember him.
There's you; who keeps treating me all the same with all other girls.
But. . .
There's also you; who keeps avoiding talks about him every time I ask you first.
There's also you; who keeps reaching out your hand around me.
There's also you; who keeps making my heart beat faster when you leave.
There's also you; who keeps showering me with attention.
Who are you actually?
There's you; who keeps reminding me of my unsuccessful past relationship.
There's you; who keeps bringing him up in all of our talk every time we meet.
There's you; who keeps believing I would still be his and would still remember him.
There's you; who keeps treating me all the same with all other girls.
But. . .
There's also you; who keeps avoiding talks about him every time I ask you first.
There's also you; who keeps reaching out your hand around me.
There's also you; who keeps making my heart beat faster when you leave.
There's also you; who keeps showering me with attention.
Who are you actually?
Vacation's Over
Just got back from vacation!
After so many years, I finally went on a plane (again), on a boat (again), and on a ferry (for my first time).
It was the best vacation I've ever had. Five days spent going to my mother's hometown Tanjung Pinang, to Batam, and to Singapore. Meeting relatives I had never met, enjoying the life I had never known, eating food I had never known it was even exist... in short, going on a vacation I had never imagined.
My happiness practically reached its maximum limit.
Of course there were not only happy times, still I put them aside and was fully feeling great.
Though some of my friends thought that it wasn't a rather enjoyable vacation, I must say that they were completely wrong. LOL. If only they could see that this super-quick vacation totally rocks!
The girl wearing red shirt on the left is the auntie I had never met. The guy wearing trousers in the middle is the uncle I had never met. They are both still young, "abang" and "kakak" will suit them more than "makcik" and "pakcik", but they are still my aunt and uncle ;) We created happy moments which will be embraced forever.
and this is the big family <3
After so many years, I finally went on a plane (again), on a boat (again), and on a ferry (for my first time).
It was the best vacation I've ever had. Five days spent going to my mother's hometown Tanjung Pinang, to Batam, and to Singapore. Meeting relatives I had never met, enjoying the life I had never known, eating food I had never known it was even exist... in short, going on a vacation I had never imagined.
My happiness practically reached its maximum limit.
Of course there were not only happy times, still I put them aside and was fully feeling great.
Though some of my friends thought that it wasn't a rather enjoyable vacation, I must say that they were completely wrong. LOL. If only they could see that this super-quick vacation totally rocks!
The girl wearing red shirt on the left is the auntie I had never met. The guy wearing trousers in the middle is the uncle I had never met. They are both still young, "abang" and "kakak" will suit them more than "makcik" and "pakcik", but they are still my aunt and uncle ;) We created happy moments which will be embraced forever.
and this is the big family <3
Thursday, June 21, 2012
"Terserah"
It's irritating to get "whatever" as an answer. Especially when I no longer believe that the person answering is not interested at all in what I'm saying.
Kalau ada orang menjawab "terserah", atau "bebas" (sebagaimana sekarang kayaknya mulai banyak dipakai), rasanya orang tersebut tidak tertarik dengan pembicaraan. Dengan saya sebagai pembicaranya, dan dengan topik pembicaraan saya.
Saya dikenal sebagai orang yang ribet. Kenapa?
Karena saya, katanya, sangat suka menuruti peraturan. Dan mungkin terlalu banyak yang saya pertimbangkan. Dalam memutuskan berbagai macam perihal, saya terlalu banyak memperhitungkan aspek-aspek yang ada. Memang, bahkan saya sendiri sadar saya terlalu banyak berpikir.
Sedikit banyak hal itu membuat saya kesal sendiri dengan diri saya, tapi saya juga sangat kesal terhadap mereka yang menjawab begitu. Saya terbiasa memikirkan berbagai aspek karena saya, jeleknya, adalah perfeksionis. Mungkin alasan saya tidak bisa akur dengan mereka yang berulangkali menjawab "terserah" dan "bebas" adalah karena mereka orang-orang yang laidback, jauh lebih santai dari saya.
Rasanya tidak ada yang salah dari menjadi seorang perfeksionis maupun laidback. Yang salah adalah saat titik ekstrim dari keduanya dipertemukan. Mungkin saya perfeksionis yang terlalu ekstrim (dalam beberapa hal) dan ada orang-orang yang laidback-nya terlalu ekstrim juga. Hal itu menyebabkan bentrok terus-menerus.
Tapi jujur saja, jawaban "terserah" dan "bebas" itu menurut saya, menunjukkan ketidaktertarikan dan tidak adanya penghargaan. Duh, saya jadi ingin meninggalkan semua orang yang menjawab terserah.
Ini terakhir kalinya saya bekerja sama dengan orang yang terus-menerus menjawab begitu dan jelas-jelas menganggap saya menyebalkan. There would be no next time.
Haters gonna hate, pals!
Kalau ada orang menjawab "terserah", atau "bebas" (sebagaimana sekarang kayaknya mulai banyak dipakai), rasanya orang tersebut tidak tertarik dengan pembicaraan. Dengan saya sebagai pembicaranya, dan dengan topik pembicaraan saya.
Saya dikenal sebagai orang yang ribet. Kenapa?
Karena saya, katanya, sangat suka menuruti peraturan. Dan mungkin terlalu banyak yang saya pertimbangkan. Dalam memutuskan berbagai macam perihal, saya terlalu banyak memperhitungkan aspek-aspek yang ada. Memang, bahkan saya sendiri sadar saya terlalu banyak berpikir.
Sedikit banyak hal itu membuat saya kesal sendiri dengan diri saya, tapi saya juga sangat kesal terhadap mereka yang menjawab begitu. Saya terbiasa memikirkan berbagai aspek karena saya, jeleknya, adalah perfeksionis. Mungkin alasan saya tidak bisa akur dengan mereka yang berulangkali menjawab "terserah" dan "bebas" adalah karena mereka orang-orang yang laidback, jauh lebih santai dari saya.
Rasanya tidak ada yang salah dari menjadi seorang perfeksionis maupun laidback. Yang salah adalah saat titik ekstrim dari keduanya dipertemukan. Mungkin saya perfeksionis yang terlalu ekstrim (dalam beberapa hal) dan ada orang-orang yang laidback-nya terlalu ekstrim juga. Hal itu menyebabkan bentrok terus-menerus.
Tapi jujur saja, jawaban "terserah" dan "bebas" itu menurut saya, menunjukkan ketidaktertarikan dan tidak adanya penghargaan. Duh, saya jadi ingin meninggalkan semua orang yang menjawab terserah.
Ini terakhir kalinya saya bekerja sama dengan orang yang terus-menerus menjawab begitu dan jelas-jelas menganggap saya menyebalkan. There would be no next time.
Haters gonna hate, pals!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Kelinci
Baru-baru ini di kosan saya, Wisma Andayani, ada yang memelihara kelinci. Kira-kira baru dua minggu yang lalu kelinci-kelinci itu tiba di kosan. Awalnya, kelinci-kelinci itu begitu lucu (meskipun saya jauh lebih menyukai kucing dibanding kelinci). Saya tidak protes karena saya pernah membaca artikel yang menyatakan bahwa orang yang memelihara binatang memiliki potensi stres yang jauh lebih rendah dibanding orang yang tidak memelihara binatang. Lagipula, saat itu saya berpikir mungkin tidak ada salahnya ada kelinci di lingkungan kosan.
Seiring berjalannya waktu, ternyata keberadaan kelinci di kosan hanya membuat saya terganggu dan kesal. Produksi kotoran kelinci ternyata luar biasa banyak dan sering. Ditambah lagi, posisi kandangnya ada di depan kamar saya. Bau yang menguar, baik dari kotoran kelinci maupun dari kelincinya sendiri, masuk dan berdiam di kamar saya. Jadi, kemarin pagi saya meminta teman saya untuk memindahkan kandangnya.
Namun. . .
Kelincinya mati satu. Di antara dua, sekarang tersisa satu.
Kasihan, tapi bukan hal yang aneh. Kenapa? Karena lingkungan hidup yang tidak sehat:
Paling tidak, saya berharap begitu.
Bagi kalian para pembaca, jadikanlah teman saya sebagai contoh. Bukan contoh untuk ditiru, tapi contoh untuk dihindari. Jika kalian ingin memelihara binatang, paling tidak pastikan lingkungannya sehat baik untuk kalian dan binatang itu sendiri, dan juga pastikan binatang itu menerima perhatian yang cukup dari kalian sebagai pemiliknya.
Don't let them suffer!
Seiring berjalannya waktu, ternyata keberadaan kelinci di kosan hanya membuat saya terganggu dan kesal. Produksi kotoran kelinci ternyata luar biasa banyak dan sering. Ditambah lagi, posisi kandangnya ada di depan kamar saya. Bau yang menguar, baik dari kotoran kelinci maupun dari kelincinya sendiri, masuk dan berdiam di kamar saya. Jadi, kemarin pagi saya meminta teman saya untuk memindahkan kandangnya.
Namun. . .
Kelincinya mati satu. Di antara dua, sekarang tersisa satu.
Kasihan, tapi bukan hal yang aneh. Kenapa? Karena lingkungan hidup yang tidak sehat:
- Kandang yang terlalu kecil. Untuk kelinci seukuran satu setengah bola baseball, kandang yang digunakan hanya cukup untuk tempat dua hamster kecil berlarian bebas. Ditambah lagi, kandang itu ditempati dua kelinci sekaligus.
- Kelinci-kelinci itu hidup berdampingan dengan kotorannya. Entah teman saya yang tidak telaten membersihkan atau, seperti yang saya bilang, produksi kotoran kelinci sangat banyak. . .yang jelas kelinci-kelinci itu terlalu lama berkubang dalam kotorannya sendiri. Jelas tidak sehat untuk kelinci itu sendiri dan untuk manusia yang tinggal bersamanya.
- Kosan (ternyata) bukan tempat yang tepat untuk memelihara binatang. Bukan hanya kelinci, tapi untuk semua binatang yang terpaksa dikurung di kandang. Apalagi, sebagai mahasiswa, tentunya waktu akan terbagi untuk kegiatan di kampus dan akademis.
Paling tidak, saya berharap begitu.
Bagi kalian para pembaca, jadikanlah teman saya sebagai contoh. Bukan contoh untuk ditiru, tapi contoh untuk dihindari. Jika kalian ingin memelihara binatang, paling tidak pastikan lingkungannya sehat baik untuk kalian dan binatang itu sendiri, dan juga pastikan binatang itu menerima perhatian yang cukup dari kalian sebagai pemiliknya.
Don't let them suffer!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Too Easy
Hi, dearest readers (though I know for now there's no one reading my blog).
It's okay. This is just a bit of sharing.
I was on my way circling Depok-Jakarta-Bekasi when it occurred to my mind that I've been thinking about this certain guy the whole day. Well, in fact, it's been like that for the past two or three days.
What concerned me was that this certain guy wasn't the same guy I secretly admired for the past semester.
Am I a player? No, certainly not. It's just. . .I think I am now the kind of girl that is easily flattered. I'm not blaming my foolish past relationship when I became a total love-fooled person, it's just that relationship really affected me so much; I even realize the way it changed me. In this past relationship, I was mentally bullied. He gave me hopes, he left me, he gave me hopes, he left me. Round and round and round and round. Moreover, I was a believer. Naive, in the truest meaning of naive. I liked my ex-boyfriend with all my heart, I even accepted being despised and mocked all the time. I've proven the proverb "Love is blind".
This foolish past relationship lasted for three years. Definitely not a short period. That's why when it was finally over, it affected me so much I can tell that it damaged me.Therefore, it's hard for me to open up again to love. And also. . .it turns me to an easily-flattered person. I flies when someone just gives a damn about my day. I flies when someone just listens to my story.
Too easy?
Yes, perhaps.
Is it wrong?
That's a question I haven't found the answer.
I'm just enjoying the feelings.
It's okay. This is just a bit of sharing.
I was on my way circling Depok-Jakarta-Bekasi when it occurred to my mind that I've been thinking about this certain guy the whole day. Well, in fact, it's been like that for the past two or three days.
What concerned me was that this certain guy wasn't the same guy I secretly admired for the past semester.
Am I a player? No, certainly not. It's just. . .I think I am now the kind of girl that is easily flattered. I'm not blaming my foolish past relationship when I became a total love-fooled person, it's just that relationship really affected me so much; I even realize the way it changed me. In this past relationship, I was mentally bullied. He gave me hopes, he left me, he gave me hopes, he left me. Round and round and round and round. Moreover, I was a believer. Naive, in the truest meaning of naive. I liked my ex-boyfriend with all my heart, I even accepted being despised and mocked all the time. I've proven the proverb "Love is blind".
This foolish past relationship lasted for three years. Definitely not a short period. That's why when it was finally over, it affected me so much I can tell that it damaged me.Therefore, it's hard for me to open up again to love. And also. . .it turns me to an easily-flattered person. I flies when someone just gives a damn about my day. I flies when someone just listens to my story.
Too easy?
Yes, perhaps.
Is it wrong?
That's a question I haven't found the answer.
I'm just enjoying the feelings.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Mimpi Aneh
Mungkin saya memang orang yang terlalu memikirkan segala sesuatu.
Ini bukan kali pertama saya bermimpi aneh, yang berujung pada saya memikirkan hal yang aneh-aneh tentang orang yang saya mimpikan. Biasanya, di mimpi saya berpacaran dengan seseorang dan diakhiri dengan hati saya berdebar-debar setiap bertemu dengan orang tersebut di kehidupan nyata. Bodoh memang, tapi itulah yang terjadi.
Tapi, pada mimpi saya kali ini, rasanya lebih pribadi dari mimpi-mimpi saya yang biasanya. Aneh.
Di mimpi, saya dan laki-laki itu (teman saya di kuliah) keluar kelas di saat pengumuman kelulusan. Itu saja sudah merupakan tindakan yang aneh. Yang lebih aneh lagi adalah tujuan saya dan teman saya ini keluar. Kami keluar untuk membetulkan esai dan analisis kami di tugas akhir, padahal kelulusan kami sudah diumumkan.
Kami menuju suatu sofa berwarna biru marine (tempat kami itu bukan tempat yang saya kenali) dan kami membetulkan tugas akhir kami. Tapi, seiring berjalannya waktu, saya bercucuran air mata.
"Saya iri," saya katakan itu padanya. Iri terhadap apa? Terhadap kemampuannya menganalisis yang membuat segalanya terlihat lebih mudah. Saya pintar, tapi saya tidak cerdas. Saya berjuang keras untuk menganalisis, tidak seperti dia. Dia berargumen bahwa saya harusnya bersyukur, tapi dia tidak mengasihani saya. Dia hanya bingung menghadapi saya yang menangis keras.
...
Saya terbangun dengan merasa asing terhadap diri saya sendiri. Seakan orang telah menjelajahi hati saya yang terdalam, seakan tidak ada lagi rahasia. Saya merasa ditelanjangi dan sangat malu. Seakan teman saya ini telah mengetahui terlalu banyak tentang diri saya... lebih dari yang seharusnya dia tahu.
Padahal itu hanya mimpi.
Tapi mimpi adalah perasaan yang ditekan hingga masuk ke alam bawah sadar. Apakah saya, tanpa sadar, merasa sudah terlalu membuka diri padanya?
Ini bukan kali pertama saya bermimpi aneh, yang berujung pada saya memikirkan hal yang aneh-aneh tentang orang yang saya mimpikan. Biasanya, di mimpi saya berpacaran dengan seseorang dan diakhiri dengan hati saya berdebar-debar setiap bertemu dengan orang tersebut di kehidupan nyata. Bodoh memang, tapi itulah yang terjadi.
Tapi, pada mimpi saya kali ini, rasanya lebih pribadi dari mimpi-mimpi saya yang biasanya. Aneh.
Di mimpi, saya dan laki-laki itu (teman saya di kuliah) keluar kelas di saat pengumuman kelulusan. Itu saja sudah merupakan tindakan yang aneh. Yang lebih aneh lagi adalah tujuan saya dan teman saya ini keluar. Kami keluar untuk membetulkan esai dan analisis kami di tugas akhir, padahal kelulusan kami sudah diumumkan.
Kami menuju suatu sofa berwarna biru marine (tempat kami itu bukan tempat yang saya kenali) dan kami membetulkan tugas akhir kami. Tapi, seiring berjalannya waktu, saya bercucuran air mata.
"Saya iri," saya katakan itu padanya. Iri terhadap apa? Terhadap kemampuannya menganalisis yang membuat segalanya terlihat lebih mudah. Saya pintar, tapi saya tidak cerdas. Saya berjuang keras untuk menganalisis, tidak seperti dia. Dia berargumen bahwa saya harusnya bersyukur, tapi dia tidak mengasihani saya. Dia hanya bingung menghadapi saya yang menangis keras.
...
Saya terbangun dengan merasa asing terhadap diri saya sendiri. Seakan orang telah menjelajahi hati saya yang terdalam, seakan tidak ada lagi rahasia. Saya merasa ditelanjangi dan sangat malu. Seakan teman saya ini telah mengetahui terlalu banyak tentang diri saya... lebih dari yang seharusnya dia tahu.
Padahal itu hanya mimpi.
Tapi mimpi adalah perasaan yang ditekan hingga masuk ke alam bawah sadar. Apakah saya, tanpa sadar, merasa sudah terlalu membuka diri padanya?
Friday, June 15, 2012
Finally, It's Done!
Akhirnya, setelah berjuang selama satu semester, nilai semester 4 keluar juga!
Nilai-nilai yang keluar memang tidak secemerlang setahun lalu, dimana susunan riwayat akademis itu diwarnai huruf A, meski beberapa ada minus-nya, dan bahkan ada satu atau dua B+. I'm on my way to get back there! ^^
Hebatnya--ini memberikan kepuasan tersendiri bagi saya--saya tidak merasa kecewa dengan nilai-nilai itu, tidak juga saya berbangga hati. Saya hanya merasa puas: saya merasa nilai-nilai itu sepadan dengan usaha saya selama satu semester kemarin. Jelek atau tidak, orang lain lebih bagus atau tidak, yah peduli setan! Saya hanya berbahagia karena saya sudah bekerja keras. Allah is adalah hakimnya. :-)
This feeling teaches me how to give my all and enjoy the outcomes. :-)
Alhamdulillah yaa Allah.
Nilai-nilai yang keluar memang tidak secemerlang setahun lalu, dimana susunan riwayat akademis itu diwarnai huruf A, meski beberapa ada minus-nya, dan bahkan ada satu atau dua B+. I'm on my way to get back there! ^^
Hebatnya--ini memberikan kepuasan tersendiri bagi saya--saya tidak merasa kecewa dengan nilai-nilai itu, tidak juga saya berbangga hati. Saya hanya merasa puas: saya merasa nilai-nilai itu sepadan dengan usaha saya selama satu semester kemarin. Jelek atau tidak, orang lain lebih bagus atau tidak, yah peduli setan! Saya hanya berbahagia karena saya sudah bekerja keras. Allah is adalah hakimnya. :-)
This feeling teaches me how to give my all and enjoy the outcomes. :-)
Alhamdulillah yaa Allah.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Cinta
Cinta.
Sungguh
luar biasa, Dee. Kumpulan cerita, novel... apa saja yang ditulisnya membuat
saya terpaksa mengkonfrontasi perasaan yang terkubur di dalam hati.
Ungkapan
love is in the air membuat cinta
seolah terpampang di udara, dapat dinikmati oleh siapa saja dan dimana saja. Sungguh
rentan manusia terhadap cinta. Tapi cinta saya terkungkung dalam cangkang yang
terbuat secara alami. Cinta saya beku dan kaku.
Karena
sakit hati-kah? Saya bertanya-tanya. Mungkin karena pengalaman yang begitu
menyakitkan, mungkin karena saya belum mendapat kesempatan untuk kembali
bersahabat dengan cinta, mungkin karena saya keburu takut mendekati cinta lagi.
Tulisan-tulisan
Dee entah bagaimana dapat membawakan cinta dengan cukup realistis, tapi manis. Tulisan-tulisannya
menyentuh bagian hati saya yang mengubur cinta, seperti menghembuskan napas
kehidupan untuk cinta.
Jujur
saja, saya takut.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Another One Down
Finally another final project finished.
Today I delivered my final presentation for Speaking class. . .rather successfully. Perhaps.
Told ya yesterday that preparing for an 8 a.m. presentation past midnight was not something I would prefer. I was quite upset of the fact that my partner did not spread the questionnaire as he supposed to do, but I cannot blame all the unpreparedness on him. I was the one that left my presentation materials to focus on other final projects. So, all blame is on me for stuttering in front of the class!
Anyway, felt very sorry for my partner :"(
If I had known he's scared of speaking in front of public, I would've pushed him to discuss and practice a bit more. He was way more nervous than I was, I suppose. He obviously had difficulties in talking in front of the audience, even though the audience were just our friends--which were less than 50 people. He didn't get a hold of himself. . .it was obvious, and I didn't know how he could manage to be very laidback about the preparation. He told me once that smoking boosts up his confidence, and I didn't buy it. Guess it's true, then. If only he could smoke in the middle of a formal presentation final test.
Not that I support smoking, no. It's just sad to see him losing himself.
Today I delivered my final presentation for Speaking class. . .rather successfully. Perhaps.
Told ya yesterday that preparing for an 8 a.m. presentation past midnight was not something I would prefer. I was quite upset of the fact that my partner did not spread the questionnaire as he supposed to do, but I cannot blame all the unpreparedness on him. I was the one that left my presentation materials to focus on other final projects. So, all blame is on me for stuttering in front of the class!
Anyway, felt very sorry for my partner :"(
If I had known he's scared of speaking in front of public, I would've pushed him to discuss and practice a bit more. He was way more nervous than I was, I suppose. He obviously had difficulties in talking in front of the audience, even though the audience were just our friends--which were less than 50 people. He didn't get a hold of himself. . .it was obvious, and I didn't know how he could manage to be very laidback about the preparation. He told me once that smoking boosts up his confidence, and I didn't buy it. Guess it's true, then. If only he could smoke in the middle of a formal presentation final test.
Not that I support smoking, no. It's just sad to see him losing himself.
Kinda Frustrating
I'm in the middle of my finals month. Told ya.
This chaotic month distresses me a lot. Spent my nights awake (not that I'm not used to it. . .it's just, I rarely done it for working on my tasks :| ) and my days sleepy (resulting in blank moments).
I'm working on my final presentation for Listening and Speaking class with a guy I think I like enough, but also rather upsetting. He's not someone who would initiatively ask for the presentation progress, nor he would do the things he offered himself to do punctually. It's frustrating because I'm the type that submits my homeworks on time and quite responsible (not to say annoyingly over-diligent--don't worry, I'm not saying this because I'm proud of mysef. Instead, I know that my habit can be very, very irritating).
Another thing that frustrates me is that I'm not in a social distance relationship where I could easily complain to him, nor I can easily leave him behind. It frustrates me in all the way things could frustrates me. I ended up telling him via text message, which I found very cowardly of me, and thank God he apologized. :)
Still. . .
Working past midnight on a presentation which should be presented at 8 a.m is not at all the type of work ethic I prefer.
This chaotic month distresses me a lot. Spent my nights awake (not that I'm not used to it. . .it's just, I rarely done it for working on my tasks :| ) and my days sleepy (resulting in blank moments).
I'm working on my final presentation for Listening and Speaking class with a guy I think I like enough, but also rather upsetting. He's not someone who would initiatively ask for the presentation progress, nor he would do the things he offered himself to do punctually. It's frustrating because I'm the type that submits my homeworks on time and quite responsible (not to say annoyingly over-diligent--don't worry, I'm not saying this because I'm proud of mysef. Instead, I know that my habit can be very, very irritating).
Another thing that frustrates me is that I'm not in a social distance relationship where I could easily complain to him, nor I can easily leave him behind. It frustrates me in all the way things could frustrates me. I ended up telling him via text message, which I found very cowardly of me, and thank God he apologized. :)
Still. . .
Working past midnight on a presentation which should be presented at 8 a.m is not at all the type of work ethic I prefer.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Di Ujung Pelangi
Kumeniti jalan di atas pelangi
sungguh indah rupanya,
warna-warni terbiaskan cahaya mentari
gumalan awan nan putih cerah adalah tepiannya
Aku bisa melihat tetesan hujan
berkilau bagai berlian
menghiasi hamparan hijau di bawah kakiku
dan aku pun maju tanpa ragu
Dalam anganku, sebuah kastil berdiri di ujung pelangi
gerbang keemasan akan terbuka lebar
penduduk kastil akan menyambut
dan sebuah singgasana akan tersedia
Kumeniti dan kumeniti hingga warnanya memudar
tetesan hujan telah mengering
awan putih telah menggelap
dan kakiku mati rasa
Hampir aku terjatuh
tapi entah untuk alasan apa aku teruskan berjalan
lalu aku tiba
sebuah kastil megah berdiri di ujung pelangi
Tapi,
kastil itu sudah tua
gerbangnya berkarat
penduduknya hanya tersenyum dipaksakan
singgasananya pun terbuat dari plastik
Saat itu aku sadar
Tuhan memberiku pelajaran
untuk bersabar dan berusaha
untuk teguh dan terus berjalan
bukan untuk mendapatkan apa yang aku mau
tapi untuk memperluas kebijaksanaanku
(originally written in May, 2011)
sungguh indah rupanya,
warna-warni terbiaskan cahaya mentari
gumalan awan nan putih cerah adalah tepiannya
Aku bisa melihat tetesan hujan
berkilau bagai berlian
menghiasi hamparan hijau di bawah kakiku
dan aku pun maju tanpa ragu
Dalam anganku, sebuah kastil berdiri di ujung pelangi
gerbang keemasan akan terbuka lebar
penduduk kastil akan menyambut
dan sebuah singgasana akan tersedia
Kumeniti dan kumeniti hingga warnanya memudar
tetesan hujan telah mengering
awan putih telah menggelap
dan kakiku mati rasa
Hampir aku terjatuh
tapi entah untuk alasan apa aku teruskan berjalan
lalu aku tiba
sebuah kastil megah berdiri di ujung pelangi
Tapi,
kastil itu sudah tua
gerbangnya berkarat
penduduknya hanya tersenyum dipaksakan
singgasananya pun terbuat dari plastik
Saat itu aku sadar
Tuhan memberiku pelajaran
untuk bersabar dan berusaha
untuk teguh dan terus berjalan
bukan untuk mendapatkan apa yang aku mau
tapi untuk memperluas kebijaksanaanku
(originally written in May, 2011)
Busy Weekend
This weekend I had to stay at my boarding house to finish the final project for my Literary Criticism class. Duh.. . It's upsetting, really. Thank God, I have a lot of new videos! I can watch them and watch them and watch them once all this over. Yeah!
Another thing to be grateful is that my group members (yeah, the exhausting final project is a group project) are the kind of very-diligent-human-beings. :) It's a relief I don't have to chase after them everytime we are about to discuss the final project. Sigh. . .there are a lot of unfortunate groups like that.
So, even though this weekend is a busy one, let's be thankful! :)
Another thing to be grateful is that my group members (yeah, the exhausting final project is a group project) are the kind of very-diligent-human-beings. :) It's a relief I don't have to chase after them everytime we are about to discuss the final project. Sigh. . .there are a lot of unfortunate groups like that.
So, even though this weekend is a busy one, let's be thankful! :)
Monday, May 21, 2012
Regrets
Bagaimana kalau ternyata selama ini kalian mendapati diri kalian hidup dalam fantasi?
Saya baru menyadari bahwa tiga tahun saya sia-siakan dalam pengejaran atas seseorang yang bahkan tidak nyata. Mutlak sebuah kebodohan. Bahkan lembaran kertas yang dulu menjadi pengingat manis kenangan di antara kami tidak sanggup mengembalikan "manis"-nya. Yang saya lihat hanya kosong. Bodoh.
Adalah sangat drama queen kalau saya sampai menangisi dan menyesali semuanya hingga berlarut-larut. Sebenarnya mengingat ini lagi setelah lewat berbulan-bulan pun sudah berlebihan. Therefore, I will give myself this one and last chance to relieve myself from everything. After this, no more remembrance of him.
Bohong kalau saya bilang saya tidak menyesali semua yang terjadi di antara kami.
Saya tahu banyak yang bilang mereka tidak menyesali hubungannya di masa lalu. Tapi jelas bukan saya. Klise. Entah memang mereka begitu positif sehingga bisa mengambil pelajaran tanpa membenci, yang jelas saya tidak bisa. Saya sangat menyesali kebodohan yang telah saya lakukan di masa lalu. Bahkan saya tidak tahu bagaimana sebenarnya perasaan cowok itu terhadap saya.
Banyak yang bilang, masa lalu adalah pelajaran.
Untuk saya, masa lalu adalah penyesalan.
Saya baru menyadari bahwa tiga tahun saya sia-siakan dalam pengejaran atas seseorang yang bahkan tidak nyata. Mutlak sebuah kebodohan. Bahkan lembaran kertas yang dulu menjadi pengingat manis kenangan di antara kami tidak sanggup mengembalikan "manis"-nya. Yang saya lihat hanya kosong. Bodoh.
Adalah sangat drama queen kalau saya sampai menangisi dan menyesali semuanya hingga berlarut-larut. Sebenarnya mengingat ini lagi setelah lewat berbulan-bulan pun sudah berlebihan. Therefore, I will give myself this one and last chance to relieve myself from everything. After this, no more remembrance of him.
Bohong kalau saya bilang saya tidak menyesali semua yang terjadi di antara kami.
Saya tahu banyak yang bilang mereka tidak menyesali hubungannya di masa lalu. Tapi jelas bukan saya. Klise. Entah memang mereka begitu positif sehingga bisa mengambil pelajaran tanpa membenci, yang jelas saya tidak bisa. Saya sangat menyesali kebodohan yang telah saya lakukan di masa lalu. Bahkan saya tidak tahu bagaimana sebenarnya perasaan cowok itu terhadap saya.
Banyak yang bilang, masa lalu adalah pelajaran.
Untuk saya, masa lalu adalah penyesalan.
Friday, May 18, 2012
5 Jam Bersama Sosiolinguistik!
Yak, jadi ceritanya saya baru saja menghabiskan waktu terlama di depan komputer (dalam rangka tugas). Biasanya sih lima jam hajar aja kalo buat yang lain-lain, hahaha.
Jadi, kenapa saya tumben-tumbenan sekali menghabiskan waktu sampai punggung pegal hanya untuk tugas?
Ceritanya berawal dari adik saya yang alkisah sedang jenuh berat sambil menunggu pengumuman hasil ujiannya (si adik sudah mau kuliah, lho! saya sebagai kakak turut berbahagia :3 ). Sang ayah pun tegang karena si adik ini belum diterima di universitas manapun, ditambah dengan si adik yang begitu misterius sehingga bisa ber-poker face sepanjang waktu. Akhirnya, ketegangan sang ayah dan kejenuhan si adik memuncak sehingga saya dan sang ibu diajak pergi ke Bogor akhir minggu ini.
Karena sialnya saya sedang "bulan UAS" (kenapa bulan UAS? karena memang UAS di semester 4 itu ternyata bukan lagi dilakukan seminggu, tapi sebulan --> final project), sebenarnya saya jadi kebanjiran tugas. Nah, karena si adik dengan penuh cinta tidak mau pergi kalau tidak bersama saya si kakak yang dicintai, terpaksalah saya menyelesaikan makalah sosiolinguistik sebagai final project pertama yang dapat terselesaikan. Padahal, tadinya saya berniat mau malas-malasan di akhir minggu ini.
Yah, begitu saja karena saya sudah harus pergi. Mungkin saya bisa bersantai sejenak di Bogor. :3
Jadi, kenapa saya tumben-tumbenan sekali menghabiskan waktu sampai punggung pegal hanya untuk tugas?
Ceritanya berawal dari adik saya yang alkisah sedang jenuh berat sambil menunggu pengumuman hasil ujiannya (si adik sudah mau kuliah, lho! saya sebagai kakak turut berbahagia :3 ). Sang ayah pun tegang karena si adik ini belum diterima di universitas manapun, ditambah dengan si adik yang begitu misterius sehingga bisa ber-poker face sepanjang waktu. Akhirnya, ketegangan sang ayah dan kejenuhan si adik memuncak sehingga saya dan sang ibu diajak pergi ke Bogor akhir minggu ini.
Karena sialnya saya sedang "bulan UAS" (kenapa bulan UAS? karena memang UAS di semester 4 itu ternyata bukan lagi dilakukan seminggu, tapi sebulan --> final project), sebenarnya saya jadi kebanjiran tugas. Nah, karena si adik dengan penuh cinta tidak mau pergi kalau tidak bersama saya si kakak yang dicintai, terpaksalah saya menyelesaikan makalah sosiolinguistik sebagai final project pertama yang dapat terselesaikan. Padahal, tadinya saya berniat mau malas-malasan di akhir minggu ini.
Yah, begitu saja karena saya sudah harus pergi. Mungkin saya bisa bersantai sejenak di Bogor. :3
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Sebuah Komentar dan Feminisme
Feminisme. Sebuah kata yang umum sekarang ini.
Feminisme erat kaitannya dengan pembedaan gender secara sosial (Budianta, 1998).
Artinya pembedaan gender tersebut
terkait erat dengan stereotipe masyarakat terhadap kedua jenis gender. Bukan hanya terhadap perempuan.
“Pendekatan feminis adalah suatu kritik ideologis terhadap cara pandang yang mengabaikan permasalahan ketimpangan dan ketidakadlian dalam pemberian nperan dan identitas sosial berdasarkan perbedaan jenis kelamin”—Melani Budianta.Artinya, feminisme membahas pula tentang kecenderungan patriarki dan falogosentrisme (kecenderungan memakai perspektif laki-laki sebagai acuan untuk memandang kehidupan dan mendefinisikan segala sesuatu). Feminisme juga identik dengan “movement which advocates gender equality and justice”.
*
* *
Feminisme bertindak sebagai ‘payung’ dalam diskusi kecil
saya kali ini. Setelah saya mempelajari semua yang tertulis dalam deskripsi
singkat di atas tentang feminisme, tidak terlihat kesan harsh dan arogan perempuan, karena feminisme adalah semata
perjuangan untuk mencapai hak-hak yang sama dengan laki-laki. Melihat sejarah
feminisme, yang mana pada awalnya adalah di dalam bidang politik (to vote, to own property, to get education),
tidak ada yang salah dengan feminisme. Saya belajar semua itu tentang feminisme, tapi pendapat saya
tentangnya sedikit rumit. Setelah mempelajari feminisme, khususnya feminisme dalam
ranah literatur, saya menyadari bagaimana seringkali perempuan tergambarkan
inferior terhadap laki-laki. Saya paham betul bagaimana perempuan seringkali dianggap
sebagai objek; sebagai benda, dan bukan sebagai sosok manusia yang setara.
Saya sadar dan mengerti itu.
FEMINISME DAN AGAMA
Tapi, adalah salah jika feminisme—yang seperti saya tulis,
berawal dari konteks politik—memukul rata semua konteks, termasuk konteks
agama. Saya beragama Islam, jadi bisa dibilang saya cukup memahami posisi saya
sebagai muslimah: jika nanti saya berumah tangga, suami saya nanti adalah imam saya, pemimpin saya. Saya dan teman saya suka berdiskusi mengenai ini.
Menurutnya, feminisme dan agama seharusnya dipisah. Apa yang di agama dianggap
benar, jika dianalisis menggunakan feminisme tetap saja salah. Namun, menurut
saya feminisme dan agama justru seharusnya dilihat secara menyeluruh. Agama
adalah satu lingkup yang harus ditoleransi feminisme. Mana yang benar, saya
tidak tahu. Mungkin pendapat kami sama-sama benar. Meskipun saya berpendapat begitu, menurut saya adalah salah
juga untuk mengambil titik ekstrim dalam lingkup agama.
FEMINISME DAN EMANSIPASI WANITA
Feminisme erat kaitannya juga dengan ‘emansipasi wanita’. Awalnya,
frase itu identik dengan perjuangan R. A. Kartini, yang juga melakukan bentuk
perjuangan feminisme dengan memperjuangkan hak-hak perempuan untuk mendapatkan
pendidikan yang sama dengan kaum laki-laki.
Tapi, saat feminisme itu begini
menurut saya, penulis comment ini telah mengambil titik ekstrim dalam lingkup agama. Penulis comment terakhir ini pernah bertanya kepada saya, "Apa arti emansipasi wanita?" Sebuah pertanyaan yang ditanyakan dengan nada angkuh, seolah saya telah membodohi diri saya sendiri dengan menggunakan kata emansipasi wanita. Tapi, sepertinya sekarang ini dia yang perlu ditanyai balik, apa dia tahu apa arti emansipasi wanita?
Mungkin saja kata "emansipasi wanita" sekarang ini telah mengalami pergeseran konteks. Mungkin kita dari kaum perempuan juga salah mengartikan frase itu untuk 'tameng', pembenaran atas segala tindakan yang kita lakukan. Tapi, apa tidak lebih baik jika penulis comment mempertimbangkan untuk melihat frase tersebut dari segala sisi? Terlebih lagi, dia bersikap judgmental dengan mengecap perempuan yang ingin emansipasi sama dengan tidak ingin dimuliakan.
Seperti yang sudah saya katakan, pendapat saya tentang feminisme rumit. Tapi, bukan berarti saya bisa melewatkan komentar seperti ini begitu saja. Jika memang bisa, saya ingin bertanya langsung, sudahkah dia memahami "emansipasi wanita" yang sebenarnya?
Penulis comment yang sama kembali berkomentar
Pemilihan kata adalah hal yang sangat penting. Itu menggambarkan pemikiran penulis. Bukan hanya dalam kasus ini, tapi juga dalam kasus-kasus lainnya. Memang selalu begitu.
Pemilihan kata penulis comment "apalagi kecurangan itu dilakukan oleh para wanita" perlu digarisbawahi. Saya tidak pandai menjelaskan, tapi izinkan saya bertanya "Memangnya kenapa kalau itu dilakukan wanita? Berbeda-kah kadar keburukannya jika itu dilakukan pria? Apa suatu kecurangan boleh-boleh saja dilakukan pria?"
Yah....
Saya memiliki pandangan yang rumit terhadap feminisme. Feminisme bukanlah ilmu yang mutlak dan sempurna kebenarannya. Tapi, menurut saya, tidak tepat jika komentar-komentar judgmental di atas sampai terlontar dari pikiran seorang laki-laki.
Mia
Mia...
Kutulis ini dengan bayangan tentangmu di pikiranku
Berkali-kali aku berpikir ulang, perlukah aku menuliskannya?
Tapi, iya, aku perlu.
Mia...
Yang akan kau baca mungkin tidak akan menyenangkan untukmu
Aku tetap perlu menuliskan ini
Karena itu, Mia, bacalah, dan dengarlah dengan hatimu:
Mia...
Dulu aku membencimu
Dengan kebencian yang bisa membuat bahkan setan tertunduk malu
Dulu aku cemburu
Dan kuanggap kamu sebagai pengganggu
Kamu dulu adalah serat-serat kuning di atas pagar tanaman
Kamu tidak seharusnya ada di sana, tapi kamu ada
Dengan sepenuh hatiku, Mia, aku tahu kamu tidak bermaksud
Tapi tetap aku dulu cemburu
Padamu yang malam itu menemaninya ke Kota Tua
yang dia percayakan cerita-ceritanya
yang selalu dia cari
yang karenamu dia datang tak peduli jarak dan waktu
Aku dulu cemburu
Padamu yang bisa terus berada di sisinya
Itu, Mia, adalah hal yang sangat sepele
Seperti udara yang setiap harinya kita hirup
Biasa, tapi nyata
Dan kenyataan itu dulu aku tidak suka
Mia...
Aku minta maaf
Karena berpikir sejahat itu tentangmu
Karena tidak seharusnya aku membenci matahari
Tidak seharusnya aku membenci hujan
Mia...
Sekarang lega sudah perasaanku
Terbebas sudah aku dari kebencian terhadapmu
Karena, Mia, sekarang terbebas sudah aku dari dia
Dia dan persahabatannya yang tidak kumengerti
Kutulis ini dengan bayangan tentangmu di pikiranku
Berkali-kali aku berpikir ulang, perlukah aku menuliskannya?
Tapi, iya, aku perlu.
Mia...
Yang akan kau baca mungkin tidak akan menyenangkan untukmu
Aku tetap perlu menuliskan ini
Karena itu, Mia, bacalah, dan dengarlah dengan hatimu:
Mia...
Dulu aku membencimu
Dengan kebencian yang bisa membuat bahkan setan tertunduk malu
Dulu aku cemburu
Dan kuanggap kamu sebagai pengganggu
Kamu dulu adalah serat-serat kuning di atas pagar tanaman
Kamu tidak seharusnya ada di sana, tapi kamu ada
Dengan sepenuh hatiku, Mia, aku tahu kamu tidak bermaksud
Tapi tetap aku dulu cemburu
Padamu yang malam itu menemaninya ke Kota Tua
yang dia percayakan cerita-ceritanya
yang selalu dia cari
yang karenamu dia datang tak peduli jarak dan waktu
Aku dulu cemburu
Padamu yang bisa terus berada di sisinya
Itu, Mia, adalah hal yang sangat sepele
Seperti udara yang setiap harinya kita hirup
Biasa, tapi nyata
Dan kenyataan itu dulu aku tidak suka
Mia...
Aku minta maaf
Karena berpikir sejahat itu tentangmu
Karena tidak seharusnya aku membenci matahari
Tidak seharusnya aku membenci hujan
Mia...
Sekarang lega sudah perasaanku
Terbebas sudah aku dari kebencian terhadapmu
Karena, Mia, sekarang terbebas sudah aku dari dia
Dia dan persahabatannya yang tidak kumengerti
An Awkward Introduction, I Guess...
Well, ini bukan blog pertama yang saya buat. Sepertinya dulu saya pernah membuat sebuah blog di blogspot juga, tapi saya lupa apa account-nya dan apa passwordnya. Kebiasaan yang jelek? Hehehe, biarlah.
Yah, sebagai sebuah perkenalan yang canggung, mungkin sebaiknya saya jelaskan kenapa "Cerita-cerita" saya pilih menjadi judul blog saya ini. Pertama-tama, saya sangat suka menulis--tipikal, tentunya--dan lebih dari itu, saya suka bercerita. Tentang apa saja. Tentang imajinasi saya, tentang bacaan-bacaan saya, tentang pengalaman-pengalaman saya, tentang pelajaran yang saya dapat dan ingin saya bagi dengan pembaca sekalian... Dengan "bercerita"-lah saya berharap dapat berbagi.
As a starter, I guess I can't let my expectations fly too high, can I?
I don't know if anyone will care to read it, but I'd be really grateful if there's somebody who does. :)
I think this will suffice for an introduction.
Stay with me!
Melati.
Yah, sebagai sebuah perkenalan yang canggung, mungkin sebaiknya saya jelaskan kenapa "Cerita-cerita" saya pilih menjadi judul blog saya ini. Pertama-tama, saya sangat suka menulis--tipikal, tentunya--dan lebih dari itu, saya suka bercerita. Tentang apa saja. Tentang imajinasi saya, tentang bacaan-bacaan saya, tentang pengalaman-pengalaman saya, tentang pelajaran yang saya dapat dan ingin saya bagi dengan pembaca sekalian... Dengan "bercerita"-lah saya berharap dapat berbagi.
As a starter, I guess I can't let my expectations fly too high, can I?
I don't know if anyone will care to read it, but I'd be really grateful if there's somebody who does. :)
I think this will suffice for an introduction.
Stay with me!
Melati.
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